Tackling the Issues Part IV: Sweetest Hangover...Love

Love. I really don't know where to begin on this subject. Naturally, as a woman I desire to be loved romantically. We all do whether you want to admit it or not.

I want it all: The marriage, the house, the car, and the kids.

Well, to be perfectly honest I really want to be married, living in a high end real estate brownstone/condo, in some big city, in a trendy little neighborhood, with a Yorkie named Cunty, a posh therapist, 5 kids (4 of which are BLAsian and the youngest one I adopted from South Africa). I want a housekeeper named Griselda and a gardener, her husband, Javier. I want to pump to work in my Louboutins (Gucci flats in my Louis bag) to my high profiled artsy job and live out my days loving and laughing with my family.


Don't laugh. You have to set your dreams high! :)


Nevertheless, we all desire to live out our lives with that one special person that completes our complicated lives. To those who have found this person I am so happy for you. But for those of us who are dating someone or are single we are going through the ups and downs on our journey to true love and I personally want to address these issues.


For about 8 months now I have been back and forth in what I would consider one of the most significant relationships I have ever been in. I am a private person so only a few friends and my brother know who I am dating. The most important aspect of this relationship for me is the self discovery. We all get head strong thinking we know exactly who we are, what we will tolerate, and how we want our relationships to operate. But the reality is when you add another person into the mix you are no longer thinking for you and what you want. You start thinking about what you both need in order to make the relationship work. For instance I was always the one who protested, "I will NEVER tolerate anyone who cheats on me! Uh Uh that's dead!" During the course of the relationship I faced the accusation of infidelity. Strangely enough the way I handled it was nothing like the way I proclaimed. Even though cheating was not proven, the accusation or suspicion can hurt just as bad as committing the act. In love comes toleration and strength that you don't really get to utilize as a single woman.


What bothers me most about love is its stability. People break up or get divorced everyday. Committing my time, energy, and heart to someone with the odds that it just may not work is frightening. I am not a person who accepts failure as an option and will fight hard to make things work. However, if its not meant to be your fight won't be enough to sustain it. I can't explain how much that really bothers me.


Solution:

I haven't really hashed the solution out. I can say that being in this relationship has brought me closer to the woman I am and has helped me conquer some of my fears. I am a better person than I was 8 months ago. I love my baby more and more everyday. Love heals. Things that frustrate me or hurt me fade away in love. Try not to worry if love will be here tomorrow and focus on the happiness it brings today. Trust in its power, accept its place in your life, and never forget to reciprocate it. It's undoubtedly "the sweetest hangover that I don't want to get over..."

Tackling The Issues Part III: Lil Girls, Lil Secrets, Lil Lies, Lil Lives

"I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys-R-Us kid, there's a million toys at Toys-R-Us that I can play with..."

I love that commercial.

Being a little girl, where the only worries you had were what outfit you were going to wear to school or whether or not to check the yes or no box on Brandon's letter asking you to be his girlfriend, had to be the easiest time in my life. I'm not necessarily saying I want to go back to the days of barrettes and plaid pleated skirts, but I do often reminisce on the easiness of it all. One common thing I remember from Elementary School to High School is that there was always a group of girls that would reap havoc in the school. They would make fun of you, talk behind your back, tell lies, and gossip yet smile in your face everyday.

Not much has changed since I have been out of school. These same girls have grown into lil girl women. They still operate the same, spreading lil girl gossip, telling lil girl lies, keeping lil girl secrets all behind your back. The difference from then and now is that they sit at your dinner table, call your phone, claim to be your friend yet slandering your name from the very same lips they kiss you on your cheek with.

These so-called "friends", family members, and co-workers sleigh me. I don't understand their methodology nor do I condone it. Quite frankly, the thought of them boils my blood. If you don't like me don't associate yourself with me. What's so hard about that concept? Interaction with these women spark all types of emotions within me but for the most part I shut down for fear of lashing out. It's nothing more devastating than being loyal to people who aren't loyal to you.

Solution:

Lil girl women are everywhere. There's honestly nothing you can do about it. Be strong inspite of what they may say about you. They are merely focusing on you in order to camouflage their own flaws. Don't seek retaliation. Pray, write, cry and even vent to someone you know you can trust. Don't allow your spirit to be broken. If you observe the lil girl women carefully you will see that behind it all they are nothing without each other. They need one another to keep themselves afloat. Don't be afraid to stand alone. In the end you will be standing in your promise and they will still be lil girl women, telling lil girl lies, reaping lil girl havoc and living lil girl lives. They will have never been anywhere and never have done anything but be a lil girl.

Tackling the Issues Part II: "All My Church Babies Say Amen"

Ahhhh church. The metropolis of the sinning saint.

I grew up in a small church. My father was a Deacon and my mother was the Pastor's Secretary and Director of Youth Activities. Every Sunday my little brother and I would get up, put on our Sunday's best, get greased down, and head to Sunday School.

Being born into a church you are considered the "church baby". You even develop the "church baby" syndrome. Church members that love you will give you gifts, money, and a kid's favorite...CANDY. You might go over their houses and call them Aunt or Uncle. Your childish innocence can see no wrong in these people because they haven't done any harm to you. You love them with every fiber of your being and run full force with open arms to them when you see them on Sunday mornings. Since my church was small everyone knew my family and we knew theirs. My parents maintained a united front with keeping my brother and I children. They never spoke any ill will of any church member in front of us or stopped us from loving anyone we chose to love in the congregation.

Seasons change and the "church baby" becomes a woman. You start to see things a lot differently. The same Aunties and Uncles that you admired and loved so much as a child are different. They harbor a jealous spirit, gossip, and even manipulate. You see how they act in church meetings, choir rehearsals, or in mission based settings and are flabbergasted by their behavior. You begin to develop your own opinion of them and hurtfully determine that they aren't who they appeared to be.

This is where I find myself today. Since I grew up in church and spend most of my time there today, many people who are stationary in my life are people I grew up around in church. These same people have supported me financially and prayed for me when I went off to college and for that I am eternally grateful. Though many of you reading this may be opposed to organized religion or going to church in general I can assure you that belonging to a church can benefit and enrich your life and give you life long relationships. However, as a "church baby" who is now a woman I find myself constantly discovering the true colors of many of these adults I loved a child. This is painful. Many of these same people still view me as a "church baby", and you know "church babies" are seen and not heard. But the woman I am has become very outspoken and fearless when it comes to speaking out on things.

This is a moment in my life where I feel stifled. With adulthood comes responsibility and a natural progression into leadership. A "church baby" taking a leadership role isn't always received well especially in my church. You aren't taken seriously, you are placed under a microscope, spoon fed reminders of that which is ritual, and you aren't given a fair opportunity to express yourself freely. This makes me upset and suffocates my desire to actively participate in church activities. I am honestly now coming to church because of the pride that my mother has still having her children by her side. Though I am supporting her there isn't any personal gratification in it for me and that is a very satirical place to be in.

Solution:

My God mother often says to me: "Don't let anyone discourage you." Though I get tired of cliches being used as solutions she is absolutely right. I have to stop letting people have power over my outcome. Words and actions are painful but the positivity in the outcome soothes the pain. Fear not all my fellow "church babies" there is power in the outcome but you cant get to it without a struggle.

Tackling the Issues Part I

To My Beloved Readers:

My transition into adulthood has been smooth. I'm definitely still evolving because I am not where I want to be. Its very easy to fall into this trap where you become comfortable with your surroundings and stifle your own growth. After finishing grad school I moved back home with my mother. I finished graduate school in 2007 it is now 2010 and I am STILL home! Yes, go head and say it WTF! Lol. However, some would say I have been productive, I worked for President Obama, started my own Theatre Company, and even got a job working in the United States Senate. I haven't let my talents or gifts go to waist. I give them back by working with children at C.M.H and I choreograph dances for the youth and adult dancers at my church. I go to church more than the average human being, help where needed, and give back to my community.

I should feel a sense of fulfillment right? Proud of my accomplishments in such a short time right?

I actually feel stuck. Stifled. No room to grow or express myself without constant scrutiny about who I am or that my visions or goals are just too big. I've allowed the very best in me to hide behind what others want me to be. Even then in an effort to please others they still are not pleased.

So, right now in this moment I am going to take a step by step look at what is making me unhappy, what my role is in my unhappiness, and what I can do to fix my problems. Its time I start to focus on me and how I can get out of "Babylon" physically and mentally...Follow me as I tackle these issues as I know many of you are going through the same things.

Peace & Blessings,

Cyn