To The FAT Bridesmaid

For awhile now I’ve been talking about being a bridesmaid in one of my closest friends, Ashley’s wedding. I even hash tagged  #Fatbridesmaid on a few posts leading up to her special day. I’ve never been a bridesmaid before so when Ashley "proposed" to me along with a few other ladies I wept like Jesus. It was truly an honor. With pretty much anything I commit to, I was really serious about following through with my responsibilities as a bridesmaid. "You too serious," my Mommy told me one day. It was important to me to gift back the love, friendship, and support Ashley has given me throughout the 18 years of knowing her. It also humbled me into a state of reflection of how I feel about and treat myself. Being a Black woman in the world brings so many challenges. Add being FAT to the Black woman’s load and those challenges triple. So, I spent much of my time internally worrying about those challenges. Yes, sometimes my anxiety knows no boundaries.Weddings are inherently aesthetically beautiful. If you don’t know anything else about my friend Ashley, I need you to over stand that if aesthetic had a picture next to it in the dictionary, her high fashion magazine spread would take its rightful place next to it. 

But how would I find a place in this aesthetic? 

Of course my insecurities about my weight surfaced. I questioned myself everyday. And everyday I countered it telling myself we (Gemini) can’t live the rest of our lives sunken in self doubt. We’ve got to live! So I dragged my self doubting ass to every bridesmaid meeting, meetup, preparation. When the bridesmaid dress was chosen I worried about bridal/evening wear running the race from China and not fitting me and I’d be embarrassed. The bridesmaid's robes too. But I ran the Black FAT woman race with diligence and speed. I called a plus size bridal boutique, Curvaceous Couture,  poured my dilemma into the lap of the woman on the phone who said, "you are already winning baby, everybody isn't as forward thinking with the big girl struggle and end up panicking day of." She pointed me in the direction of Maria at Anytime Alterations. Maria handled me and that dress with care. I Jesus wept again at my final fitting. The dress fit and I didn't have to wear a bra! For the bridesmaids robes I bought silk undergarments and demanded my inner self to push through no matter what. For the rehearsal dinner my dress was too big! Like what? When does that ever happen? The shit was falling off of me. And listen, I've been in quarantine not letting up on the snacks so I know I didn't lose that much weight. UGH!

The day of the wedding I walked internally panicking but externally proud down the aisle. Back was killing me and mask smothering me but for 20 minutes I stood by a woman who has stood with and up for me when I needed her.

I was proud.

The groom, Kareem, pulled me to the side, put his arm around me and said, "Cindi, you are one of the most genuine people I have ever met." 

When he let go...

You guessed it...

I went to the bathroom and Jesus wept!

Knowing that who I want to be in this world is understood by those I encounter matters to me so much.

In the midst of it all I walk away from this experience having made bonds with lots of the other women in Ashley’s life. I was named honorary line sister of Delta Chi Spring ‘05. 🤣 Bonds formed in love and not trauma tend to last forever and I’m so happy I met such an amazing group of women.

Ashley’s wedding was indeed the event of the year. Everyone knows 2020 wasn’t "hittin' on nuffin'" but the Hendricks Love Story has proven it can withstand anything even a pandemic.

Thank you my Ashy for allowing me to be a part of your special day and seeing the aesthetic in me when I didn’t quite see it myself.

I love you forever Mrs. Hendricks.

To the FAT Bridesmaid my only advice is not to cave to the limits you place on yourself. You can do it all.

Fall is Here - Ain't No Tellin' What She's Got up Her Long Sleeves.

I am not a fan of Fall. You can keep the strange chill in the air, tree defecation by way of foliage everywhere, and Karen and her pumpkin spice.I do love Fall for its impeccable fashion sense, photographical nights, apple picking, fire pits, nature’s art, and kiddos in their Halloween costumes. 

Oh, and I did like the pumpkin cookies Ms. Newton used to make at my childhood church.

Fall interrupts the freedom of Summer. Pedicured toes sinking in warm sand as the ocean whispers rejuvenation. Maxi dresses and window seat views to anywhere but here. Watermelon cocktails, goosebumps in central air, and passionate sun kisses on melanin hydrated skin. Not to mention the pandemic stole Summer’s whole essence and Fall vaingloriously slid in with the rebound. 

My Daddy died in the Fall of October. He was the true definition of chill. Too chill. Chiller than Fall and not in a strange way. Just relaxed. Centered. I used to watch the reflection of the TV flicker on my Daddy's face. His Blackness was strong, unmovable. I think he knew that but was never one to gloat. He was stubborn and proud. Don’t piss him off though because that chill could transform in to a sweet sounding verbal annihilation in a millisecond. I’m honestly, a carbon copy of the man. Fall stole him too. Gave him back to the Most High. I honestly don’t blame her though he was the man to be around. I’d steal him back in a heartbeat.

Fall is death. 

The slow burn of change. 

Fall is music no beat.

Festivals no heat. 

Trick or treat.

Fall is spooky.

Fall is fury. 

Fall is side eye talks around turkey dinners. 

Fall is mouth shut - internal simmers. 

Winter’s closest friend. 

Summer’s untimely end.

Fall is panic driven election season. 

Fear of a race war.

Keep your ear to the ground.

Keep your prayers in warrior mode.

Fall is here. Ain't no tellin' what she's got up her long sleeves.