To the Black Millennial Parent/Guardian: Let's Raise A Healed Generation

One thing I have been actively working to do is not transfer my traumas onto people close to me. It’s a constant uphill battle because even through healing there are scars that affect how you move in the world. I think it is crucial for me as an educator and a godmother who is actively helping to raise my oldest goddaughter, to be well enough to manage triggers internally and externally, and to communicate when I am not ok. I am not perfect but have gotten so much better at this. 

My oldest goddaughter, Ladybug, came to live with me full time when she started 3rd grade. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing so we were actually figuring out this new arrangement together. I was used to being an "award winning god mommy." I'd pick her up almost every weekend, we'd have epic sleepovers, we'd go shopping, go on trips, plan fun activities, and even became Michelin-star foodies trying out the top restaurants around the city. My other two god kids live out of state but when I fly in to see them I  bring that same "award winning god mommy" energy. I always come bearing gifts and ready for a fun time. It's the perfect situation! But see, that's technically not all a god parent is supposed to do. Our responsibility should be to step up as a support when the child's parent(s) cannot for whatever reason. Ladybug moved in because I decided to support her and her Mom in that season with what we all thought they needed. When Ladybug moved in I had to transition quickly into what I call "quasi-god mommy." I had to become a disciplinarian, a tight scheduler, a routine builder, an investigator, an education advocator, and a clear decision maker.  I didn’t like "quasi-god mommy" at all. I can't imagine Ladybug did either but she adjusted. "Quasi-god mommy" was all work no play. "Award winning god mommy" is more my style. I liked who I was when I was her. 

I learned a lot about myself and Ladybug during those years. I explicitly saw my triggers surface a lot. Triggers that I tend to think magically disappear. Although, I am currently looking for a new therapist, my past journey with therapy has helped me to process and synthesize my triggers and their origins. In undergrad, I started to periodically have panic attacks not having enough knowledge about them to identify that that's what they were. In 2015, I would have panic attacks so frequently that I dragged myself to my primary care physician begging for help. Of course doctors want to drop antidepressants in your system faster than Jamaica's Women's Olympic Track Team. I didn’t want to go down that path. I have since talked to a lot of people who are grateful for their prescribed antidepressant options and I am grateful to be a bit more educated about them. Seeing my apprehensiveness about them however, my doctor introduced me to  DC’s Medical Cannabis Program. It has definitely changed my life. I was brought up heavy in church so cannabis was a "no-no" throughout my life. As I’ve taken classes and learned more about the health benefits and of the cannabis plant I realize it is such a powerful flower that nature has gifted us. My panic attacks these days are few and far between thanks to finding what works for me. It's important as we begin doing the work to raise a healed generation that we educate ourselves on what is ailing us, dive into the science behind it, and really research the options we have to help us beyond therapy, prayer, and/or home remedies. Over 7 million African Americans in the U.S. alone have reportedly suffered from some sort of mental illness. Of the different types of mental illnesses, anxiety and depression has become an endemic in the Black community however, it doesn't have to stay that way.

I think it’s important to be open and honest on this here blog of mine. Sharing is indeed caring. I've learned so much from shared experiences but I would not have been able to learn had people not opened up and shared their stories with me. So here we go with my introverted ass sharing with you my dear reader. 

Let’s talk triggers and perhaps their sources, shall we?

I think for me, it has been so important to identify the triggers first and then deep dive into why these triggers exist? Circling back to my goddaughter and our relationship, I often find myself triggered when her extroverted brain is activated and she’s talking to any and everybody in social settings. My biggest fear is something happening to her especially while in my care. I have developed an unwavering protect at all cost mentality which can translate as being overprotective, especially as she gets older. 

Why is this? 

What is the source of this particular trigger? 

Aside from society's blatant disregard for Black women and girls, a lot of the reasons for this trigger stems from childhood. As a child, I hardly ever was away from my parents. I spent most of my time with both my mom and dad having a semi sheltered childhood. However, when I was released from their care for longer periods of time like for summer camp or a couple weeks at my grandmother’s house, things happened to me that I identify as traumatic experiences. Because of this I protected myself through introversion. The exact opposite of my goddaughter. My trauma response when she's freely maneuvering through social settings is to attempt to prevent the things that happened to me from happening to her. I’m talking at all cost. I do not play about it. Sometimes I catch her looking at me with sheer confusion in her eyes when I’m going off on a tangent about "not talking to random people" or "no, you can’t go over so-and-so’s house." It’s tough and I'm sure many of you out there can relate with your own personal story.

A strategy I have begun to use is intentional and transparent communication with Ladybug. I calmly talk to her one on one the way I want her to communicate with me when she is triggered or has a problem she is struggling with. This communication style includes full transparency because even if she may not fully relate to or agree with what I am saying, her basic human instincts, deeper thinking, and inquiry have started to all work together and we can have healthy and honest dialogue. An example of this type of conversation happened during her new found usage/abuse of her technology devices. I hate how technology has imprisoned the imaginations of children. However, we are raising technologically savvy kids in this generation who are innovative and learn new ways to use technology quickly. And y'all that have quarantine babies, those whippersnappers come out the cooter cat sending emails, creating Google Docs, and concatenating Excel spreadsheets, all while watching Cocomelon on repeat. With heavy technology usage comes the danger component when children are utilizing social media, playing online video games and engaging with people in cyberspace that they do not know. Ladybug was legit talking to random people online while playing games like Roblox, or exploring apps like TikTok and Snapchat. We don't live in a world where adults are mentally sane and leave children alone. There are whole organized business models that are thriving solely on trafficking children. Our children are not safe with using the internet and cell phones without consistent adult supervision. Children are little humans who have limited life experience and live in their personal bubble of a world. They can't possibly begin to grasp the severity of their interactions on the interwebs. As the adults in their lives, we must actively teach them how to use the internet and share with them the consequences that could come if the internet is used inappropriately. If it was up to me, I would prefer Ladybug not have any devices or be able to watch television. I saw how well she did in school when the TV was no longer an option for her. We are not raising the same kids our parents and grandparents raised. We may have to pull a few things from a different toolkit to serve this generation. Those hard conversations we think we should wait to have when children become teenagers we might actually have to have early on. I talked to Ladybug about just how dangerous the misuse of her devices was. I shared stories with her about missing children specifically Black and Hispanic girls. We even read a few articles. We talked about the effects that violating a person's trust, especially those who love you, can gravely impact the relationship. I emphasized how important it is for us in our god mommy/goddaughter relationship that we are able to trust each other. This conversation went on for a few days. She still hasn't gotten privilege to use her laptop and its been months. She does have her cellphone so she can get in contact with her family and me whenever needed. Do I think she retained that week long conversation? Probably not. But some of it she will remember and I often remind myself that the work is ongoing. I have to continue to have open communication with her about these things even not just when she's made a mistake. I believe that when she no longer has me in her ear she is able to tap into discernment and utilize her ever growing decision making skills to make good choices. Building independence is so important especially for a child like her. None of this could have happened had I not done the necessary work to help her clear her load while unpacking and releasing mine. I am finding ways to share with her that I too am human and make mistakes, that I don't have it all figured out but I love myself enough to protect myself by making choices that bring good to my life and not harm. I love myself enough to heal myself so that I am able to love her whole.

I share all of this hoping to empower all Black Millennial parents and guardians in this season to intentionally raise a healed generation who is empathetic, and advocates for themselves and each other. It's vital and in fact crucial to sustaining the Black community in a world that benefits from dead Black and brown bodies. This can’t happen if we are not doing our own healing work. Our parents, grandparents, great grandparents did not necessarily have the luxury and or know how to do this work. Blaming them or waiting for the apology you'll never get serves no one. We got next! We've been gifted this responsibility because those who came before us cleared a manmade cataclysmic path that still haunts us but should not define us. It's our responsibility to preserve our vast generational history, utilize generational practices that worked best, analyze and learn from the generational patterns that stifled us, plan ways to improve the generational practices that failed us and put into action impactful change that our children and generations to come will benefit from. 

It’s a lot I know, but "heavy is the head that wears the crown."

Imagine if we carry with us the generational structure of collaborative work through the age old adage "it takes a village." Imagine if our village is comprised of a myriad of great minds who are continuously working on our healing while joining together to raise healed generations to come. 

We’d be unstoppable. 

We actually already are.

Back 2 School: Contently Homeless (Classroom-less)

"Double Dutch" by Phyllis Stephens

I'm entering a new school year post quarantine and teaching virtually. As an artist who teaches, there's lots of anxiety surrounding teaching in person again as I’m sure it is for many educators, parents, and students. The school where I am currently employed has taken all the precautionary steps to avoid the spread of the virus by following the CDC guidelines required for schools. As a result, they've arranged to have smaller class sizes and hired more teachers. I along with the other Arts teachers no longer have classrooms in order to accommodate the extra general ed teachers. This year arts teachers will be going room to room teaching our content instead of students coming to our spaces. This form of arts education in schools isn’t uncommon. I know lots of arts teachers whose supplies are stored on a cart and they travel around the school building doing their best to provide their students with high quality artistic experiences. I commend these arts educators who have never had the luxury of a classroom.

I have been fortunate enough to work in my current school for almost 10 years now with a beautiful space for children to explore who they are through Theater. This space was sacred, full of color, large windows, and air. A spacious hideaway where imaginations came out to play, courage weaned, human connections were nourished, and I witnessed so many children blossom into confident orators and performers. That space is now infiltrated with 3 ft distant independent student tables and chairs. The colorful ABC Feelings rug is gone. The areas where the comfy Yogibo nooks used to lay are linoleum bare. 

I know you might have tons of questions after reading that. I've been asked for weeks now, "how do you feel not having a classroom this year?"

To which my response was, "Ehhh..." allowing people to create the answer themselves. You know people love to make shit up about folks anyway.

Honestly, it took awhile to fully wrap my head around my feelings because I was honestly void.

How do I feel being without a space I once walked barefoot in with sage and said my prayers in the dark before the day started? 

How do I feel not being in the space where I did some of my most profound teaching? 

Ironically, I feel contently homeless (classroom-less). There are actually real homeless people who are content with being homeless. It's a thing. The content I feel however, comes from the pure joy I regained during the 18 months of quarantining. I needed that time to get reconnected to what brings me the utmost joy. It's easy to get wrapped up in the 9-5 of things, while your dreams take a back burner in order to meet the requirements of what pays the bills. I knew week one of quarantine that things would never go back to how they used to be. I actually don't want them to.

My mother, who is also a teacher, often reminds me that teaching is calling. A divine calling. Whether one wants to admit it or not. A person can get all the collegiate training and professional development their heart desires, but when you don’t have the calling its evident. I recognize my calling to serve children and to teach even through my reluctance. I’ve taught performing arts in the Shenandoah Mountains, in a basement, in a park, in a church, on Zoom, and in a classroom. With each experience I was able to use my gifts to engage students and help them identify their unique gifts. So, being classroom-less isn’t new for me and my love for theater and children will shine in any space. I strongly believe that spaces and human value is miniscule compared to the divine calling over my life. I am grateful that I could easily tap into the bigger picture during this season with the We Do Not Care TikTok videos playing on repeat in my head. 

I know I could go into how historically the arts and artists are viewed in education which is why not having a classroom and many other ridiculous things that happen to arts programming occurs, but that is another blog for another day. Today, I just want to uplift the importance of detaching your Gorilla Glue appurtenance from things and people. Sometimes we attach ourselves to things and people that do not serve us or who don't align with who we want to be in the world. I loved my classroom, but it does not serve me in any way. Especially after the hellish year and a half we have all been through. I am not any less of a great teacher without it and it doesn’t aide in propelling me to reach my dreams. It’s a space. Transferable. I also recognize that the majority of people at my job don’t care about me as person. I’m disposable to them and the organization. Even the children who I become connected to graduate and go on to live their lives. So, I have made myself, my life, and my personal and social spaces the priority. You too, friend. Prioritize yourself and your life. Curate the life you want while being intentionally inclusive of every ounce of whatever you may need. Detach from the external and nurture the internal so that who you are and the gifts you share dwells in a wholesome and pure place.