I recently started seeing a new therapist. If you've read any of my other On Therapy posts, you know my journey with therapy has been really rewarding. However, I have been putting therapy on the back burner this past year mainly because I still miss my old therapist. Somebody, please eliminate these limitations where therapists can't have virtual sessions with you if you're not physically sitting in the state where they are licensed. It makes no sense as we are living in a digital age, especially post-quarantine. You should be able to be anywhere in the world and talk to your therapist as long as your insurance and/or payment tracks. Finding the right therapist is tricky but I am back at it. Me and my new therapist are in the getting acquainted stage of this partnership. My eyes started sweating during the intake process of the first session. During the second session, my awkward overthinking brain kept deflecting by thinking about everything but the session itself. "When this is over, what we bout to eat and watch on TV?" Yes, I internally address myself as "we." Mind your business. 😂
The conversation during the second session was about whether or not I've always had social anxiety and, if not what age I noticed a shift happen. I remembered a few months back talking to one of my best friends and she said I wasn't always like this. She said in high school I was a light source. Always talking to people. Mind you, this is the same friend who told me years prior that she hated going with me to clubs because I would just stand there with a stink face. Ah, friendship. Gather me, friend! My line sister often jokes with me about how I was while we were pledging. Jovial and giggly. "You got on my nerves," she always says. Yet, I always remember having social anxiety. When I was 16 I liked this boy Kwasi and mustered up enough courage to go to the school dance to see him. I stood holding up the wall the whole time because I couldn't walk over to talk to him, while my friends were having the time of their lives slow grinding on imbeciles. Before speeches at church or stage performances, I always had to talk myself down from having a panic attack. I probably should've been in therapy back then.
"I feel like I was masking to fit in," I told my therapist.
"We all wear a mask sometimes. It sounds like you've stored yours away," she assessed.
She's right. I just don't feel like masking anymore, you know? I have been through a lot that I feel has reshaped who I am. I have become very protective over my life and my peace. That's why I audit my life constantly and remove people and things that disrupt that peace. Masking requires so much effort from the masker. It also requires a level of not giving AF that I have not mastered yet. How can I protect my peace when I am bothered by so many happenings in the world? Ah, the empathetic introvert struggle. I realize that for me, introversion is a coping mechanism. The older I have gotten the more I have found solace in it.
"What was your motivating source," she asked.
When I was younger my Mom was my motivating source and still is in many ways. Sis would throw me in front of the church to speak or perform in a heartbeat. Had me speaking and competing in oratorical contests across the DMV area. She saw my gift early on and was unwavering about me sticking with it. I really didn't have the option to say, no. Today, I navigate the world independently and admittedly the social components of this industry are draining. I am left now with my inner thoughts to be my motivation. Ah, adulthood. I don't say no often but often wish I had. There's so much internal dialogue happening I just hate subjecting myself to it. And I am still holding up walls at events like I did when I was 16 trying to talk to Kwasi at the dance. 5 or 6 gin (or tequila) and tonics in, I am still on mute. Help me, Lord! Got a whole chastity belt around my existence. I watch my colleagues navigate rooms with ease, bouncing from person to person like they're playing a game of Whac-A-Mole. And they flawlessly advertise a heightened version of themselves on Al Gore's internet. Masters of Disguise. It's giving Batman and I'm in awe.
"How will I ever get funding for my dreams when I can't even work the room to talk about my projects?"
I'm working on it. One thing that has always been true for me is that though feeling defeated is very real, succumbing to the feeling isn't an option I am willing to give myself, introversion and all. I am also happy AF most days and enjoying this moment in time which has been my continuous prayer. I do get hyper-focused on the things I need to work on because I want to be holistically well in mind, body, and spirit - no mask. I want that wellness to authentically mirror my efforts to be a good human being in this world. I am currently trying to figure out how to merge parts of the outspoken person I was in high school with the introversion I am comfortable with today. I know I am not alone. There are introverts who navigate this industry well, I have spoken to a few. They all have told me the same thing, "Dust off your mask. You're gonna need it!"
