No Ma. I am not transgender. I ent need no man. I have managed to get all I need and most of what I want without the help of a man. I da big buckra man.
Mama sucks her teeth.
Boogie ye gal. Mi stories da ‘bout tuh come on.
Jax knew her Mama was sick of her antics. She also didn’t play ‘bout her stories.
Victor Newman, ee ain ded yet? Jax laughed.
Dead? Ah, waach oud de nah, gal! Ee legend. Fine man. Real buckra man!
They laugh.
O’kei den. A’in gah huol ya. Call me later.
Take e’easy sweet dahlin. Soon talk.
By the end of her Wednesday calls with her mom Jax always felt warm, yet exhausted. She missed home. She missed her family. Jax left home to chase her dreams when she was 17 and hasn't returned since. She felt guilty and remedied that guilt monetarily to her family.
I’m glad I can be a blessing to my family in this way, she told Dr. Benton during her therapy session.
Monetary blessings don’t replace human connection especially familial human connection Jax. You know that. Your family is proud of you and all your accomplishments, but I am sure the absence of your presence is a void not just for them but for you.
Jax deflects as always by bringing up something about physical appearance. She had become a guru in the beauty industry making millions as the founder of one of the top beauty marketing agencies.
I love that lippie on you Dr. B., what brand is it?
You know I am a Summer Fridays girl, Jax. But let’s try to stay on topic.
Which is better? Summer Fridays or Fenty Beauty?
Jax.
Sorry Dr. B., I just…
Jax takes a deep breath.
We don’t have to stay on this, but I do want you to think about it. Who are you beyond the accomplishments, Jax? Beyond the money? You always say you have all of what you need and much of what you want, what’s stopping you from having all of what you want?
Jax looked out the window. She strategically schedules the last session with Dr. Benton so she can catch the sunset from her office window on the 73rd floor of the Wilshire Grand. The aerial view of the city beneath and God’s oil painting of a sunset sky was bliss. To Jax, sunsets were the visual definition of what Rev. Jenkins called “a pees wa pass all unnastandin.” A peace that surpasses all understanding. Her Gullah Geechee roots have always kept her grounded.
Jax begins to cry.
Dr. Benton passes her a box of tissues. It wasn’t just any box of tissues though. They were in a small warmer and infused with eucalyptus lavender essential oils. Jax loved them.
At least that mascara won’t move and have you out here looking like a raccoon, Dr. Benton teased.
Yea, Too Faced Better Than Sex Mascara don't move, you hear me?
They laugh.
You have a milestone birthday tomorrow. Any plans?
Ehhh you know I hate birthdays.
You hate disappointment, Jax. Not birthdays. Go where love outweighs expectation.
Well, I gotta go, Real Housewives is coming on in an hour.
Dr. Benton knew Jax was sick of her prodding. She also didn’t play ‘bout Real Housewives.
Same time next week, Dr. Benton inquired.
Wouldn’t miss it.
Happy early birthday, Jax.
Thanks, Doc.
Jax grabs a few more tissues for the road. She gathers her things and takes the elevator down to the lobby.
Barnaby was waiting for Jax outside per usual. She slid into the back seat of her Phantom and Barnaby closed the door. There was a bag of shelled peanuts and peppermint sticks on the armrest and a bottle of Sorrel in the cup holder. This was her standard after-therapy snack.
Any stops tonight Jax?
Night drive, please. She sighed.
You betcha.
After-therapy night drives were also standard for Jax. She loved riding around the city at night, catching the views, and just being. Barnaby opened the sunroof and drove straight to Griffith Park. Jax loved sitting under the Oak tree. It reminded her of home. She got out, took her shoes off, and planted her feet in the soil. The soil in LA is so rough and dry she thought. She sat under the tree with her bag of peanuts and peppermint sticks and bottle of Sorrel. 40 was here. Is this what it was supposed to feel like? She had accomplished so much thus far, yet still felt unfulfilled. This wasn’t the plan. 40 was supposed to be a life climax, right? Jax hated racing thoughts. She chugged back her Sorrel.
Jax, do you want to drive up to the observatory it closes in 30 minutes, Barnaby interrupted.
Let’s just go home.
Griffith Park wasn’t giving her the comfort she needed to Band-Aid the emptiness she felt.
You betcha.
On the drive home, Barnaby played Thelonious Monk's Trinkle Tinkle. It reminded Jax of Saturday nights playing dominos with Daddy. Jazz would always be playing on the juk. Guh own de road ta de club if yuh wan' fa pahty, he'd say whenever Aunt Gi-Gi tried to change the juk to slow drag.
Barnaby, I want to go home.
It's the traffic, but we are almost there.
Take me to LAX, please.
LAX? Barnaby says confusingly.
Is my emergency bag still in the trunk?
Yes, it is.
I want to go home to St. Simons. Just for a couple of days.
He smiles.
Ok then. LAX. You betcha.
A couple of text message exchanges later and a dash through TSA, Jax made it onto the last flight headed to Brunswick Golden Isles Airport. She was excited but nervous. It had been 23 years since she had been home. She tried to rearrange her work schedule with Charity, her assistant, but the plane’s WiFi was sketchy. After her third French 75, Jax had forgotten about work. She removed her makeup and put on a sheet mask. She and her nerves drifted to sleep with ease.
She didn’t wake up till the flight attendant whispered, Ma’am please put your seat back and tray table in the upright position as we prepare for landing. She took a deep breath as she looked out the window to a familiar aerial view. When she landed, she had several voicemail messages from Charity and a text from Mama that read: Happy Birthday mi sweet gyal. She thought for sure she’d have to tough it out to get a taxi but when she got to baggage claim a driver was holding a paper with her name on it. She quickly texts Charity: Thank you, Queen Efficient.
Jax spent the 30-minute drive from the airport to her childhood home on St. Simons Island making herself presentable. Even though she was 40 now, she still carried “da way fa look good” lectures Mama gave her growing up. She wiped her face with a moist towelette and lathered it in moisturizer and SPF 30. She took out her nose ring because she knew Mama would nag, why yuh gwine stick sometin’ in yuh face? She kept her make-up light with a tinted moisturizer, liner, mascara, and her favorite hot cocoa-colored gloss. As she put on a couple of Granmee’s rings, she looked out the window and saw that the driver was passing through the Avenue of the Oaks.
Sir, would you mind pulling over for a sec?
Jax hops out of the car and runs over to a tree and touches the trunk. She takes off her shoes and plants her feet in the soil. The soil in St. Simons was warm and moist. She smiled. As she turned around to walk back to the car, a gentle breeze stopped her in her tracks.
Ayuh Poppa, I’m home.
When Jax pulled up to her childhood home. Mama, Auntie Gi-Gi (Mama’s sister), and Aunt Dolores (Daddy’s Sister) were sitting on the porch in their rocking chairs. Daddy used to call them The Shelf Sisters because their booties sat up like shelves. Aunt Gi-Gi was chewing sugar cane, Aunt Dolores was snapping green beans, and Mama had her a cup of hibiscus tea. They were the epitome of Black beauty to Jax and the inspiration for all the work she had done in the beauty industry. She stared at them from the car window.
Who dat be? Aunt Dolores put down her bowl of green beans and stood up as if she was ready to fight. Mama stood slowly too.
Da money man, Aunt Gi-Gi said jokingly, still chewing her sugar cane. Jackie aint e pay she bills.
I pay my bills on time, krayzi ooman!
Bickering with one another was Mama and Aunt Gi-Gi's love language.
Jax gathered her things and got out of the car.
Jax? Mama quickly walks down the steps and embraces Jax. Jax collapses in her mother’s arms.
Ahhh, da money man with bitties, chuh! Aunt Gi-Gi rolled her eyes.
Aunt Dolores followed behind Mama and grabbed Jax’s bag.
Oh, it's ok Auntie, I got it.
She hugs Aunt Dolores tightly. Aunt Dolores always smelled like Opium perfume with a touch of lemongrass. Growing up, Jax would play in the array of perfumes on her vanity. She taught her how to mix scents and all things skin care.
Uno face gitcha dem clear shine! Beautiful. Aunt Dolores kissed Jax’s face repeatedly.
Gul she da prettiest thing ain't she Gi? Aunt Dolores yelled to Aunt Gi-Gi who hadn’t left her rocking chair on the porch.
Aunt Gi-Gi grunted. Eet still dutty, chuh. She sucks her teeth.
They all look down at Jax’s feet which are still bare and dusted in St. Simons Island soil.
Sorry Mama, Jax whispered.
You stopped at the Oaks huh? She smiled.
Was your Daddy there today? Aunt Dolores whispered.
Jax shook her head yes, and began to cry.
Don’t pay Gi no mind. You know she be bittah, Mama whispered.
Wha ya'll whisp'rin bout? Aunt Gi-Gi yelled.
Growing up Aunt Gi-Gi was Jax’s favorite aunt. Her best friend. She taught her to always say what's on her mind and speak her truth. Holler t'ru, she'd say. Aunt Gi-Gi was a hairstylist and did hair out of the basement of her home. Jax spent most of her days after school at Aunt Gi-Gi's shop shampooing heads and listening to the ladies vent about their lives. They trusted her aunt like a superhero. Aunt Gi-Gi held the ladies of the island's secrets and made them feel and look beautiful in the process. Jax mirrored Aunt Gi-Gi's business practices. She attributed the success of her business to all she learned in Aunt Gi-Gi's shop. Jax leaving and not telling her was something Aunt Gi-Gi was not over.
The ladies climbed the stairs to the porch. Mama and Aunt Dolores went inside leaving Jax and Aunt Gi-Gi on the porch. Jax sat next to her in a rocking chair. Aunt Gi-Gi won’t look her way.
Wa yu say dena? Jax inquires.
Duh ting aint sweet. You been gone 23 years nah!
I called you, but you wouldn’t take my calls. I sent money and you sent it back.
Yea. And don’t think I don’t know you been paying mi tab at Parker’s and beauty store either.
I didn’t wan you to wan fo nothin’.
Yea, ‘cept you! Family mean more to me den money.
It is silent. But not uncomfortable.
You was like mi daughta, Jax.
You of all people, know I had to go Auntie. You know I couldn’t stay here. We talked about it. What would I do? Work wid dem rice peoples? Be teecha? Marry young? I wanted so much more. You taught me to want more for my life.
I do know. But you left wit no word. Like you erase dem we. You coulda come home. Even if Jackson was gone. We was still here! Greef mek um dum!
Part of Jax died with her father, Jackson. Even though she left St. Simons to chase her dreams, she also left running from heartbreak. Her father's presence was still very much known and felt on the island and she wasn't able to face it.
You’re right auntie. Yuh fah true.
Jax gets up and sits at her Aunt’s feet. She lays her head on her lap.
Mi-saari, auntie.
Aunt Gi-Gi ran her fingers through Jax’s hair.
You taking care of your hair? Put dem roller een yah hair?
Yes, Ma'am.
Gud gyal! I can tell. Gud hurr, en tikk! Make up for em dirty feet.
They laugh and hug.
C’mon grab that bowl of beans. You know your Mama done planned you a Birthday party.
What? She knew I was coming?
Aha dat prim-prim baka wi’umuhn called done tol huh.
Charity, my assistant.
She wuk gud. Efficient.
Charity giving Mama a heads-up of Jax’s arrival gave Mama enough time to make sure Jax felt all the love she had been craving. While Jax napped Mama and her aunties cooked and by evening the house was full of family and old friends.
Mi baby is home raise up yo glass. Mama bragged.
Jackie and Jackson’s stubborn dirty foot gyal, Aunt Gi-Gi chimed in.
We sho' proud a' yuh, Jax, Aunt Dolores proclaimed.
Cheers to mi baby gyal. Happy Birfday!
Happy Birfday!
This love exceeded Jax's expectations.
Hit the juk! Aunt Gi-Gi yells.
Music, dancing, family, friends, and all her favorite foods. Jax was home and happy. This is what 40 should feel like she thought.
Jax went to the kitchen and got a bowl of Aunt Dolores’s gumbo. She went out and sat on the porch to catch the St. Simons sunset.
A car pulls up in front of the house. A man gets out of the car. Jax squinted trying to make out who it was. The man begins walking up the stairs to the porch, whistling. Jax stands up slowly. They catch eyes. He looks her up and down.
Jax, Wha gwan?
Kwasi…
