GOD, Can I Ask You A Question?

GOD,

I spent the last several weeks...
Not writing.
Just thinking.
No motivation.
Tackled by my dreams.
Ransacked by unfulfilled ideas running rampant in my mind.

I know you know cuz you were there.
Not judging me for drowning my sorrows in the bottom of my favorite Talenti pint.
Just waiting for me to talk to you.

I have so many questions.
Of which I am certain you're the only one who can answer them.
Bible toters always say never to question you. However,  there are quite a few passages of scripture where "ask" is in instruction format. So contradictory right?...Bible toters that is....I guess all toters really.

But I just have to ask:

Why is the male/female debate also assigned to you?
Why has gender assignment and pronoun usage become the topic of daily conversation?
Especially when it pertains to you?
Why are we constantly in search of the "unknown" when you are the only one who has shown us consistency in who you are? In the grand scheme of your grace and mercy gender is irrelevant, right?

Ain't that it?

Perhaps if we weren't so busy gender role assigning, labeling one sex weaker than the other, killing those who rightfully reassign themselves maybe then we'd pay everyone the same wages, celebrate our individual journeys collectively, and start seeing one another beyond just gender, right?

Am I correct in believing that we are more than just some minute label?
Am I wrong in thinking that labels taint the human spirit?

Why do we even limit ourselves with labels?

Why have we allowed ourselves to be what some bored, accolade seeking, solo think tanker came up with while lost in a stack of equation filled papers, news clips, week old coffee, and Xanax?

Aren't we more than ratios? Percentages? Words? Outside looking in descriptions? Evaluations?Taxonomic names?

We came from you right?

So that means we too are glorious, right? Royalty even?

Do you send people to check us before you have to put us in our place? Someone to save us from ourselves? Just like you sent Jesus? Is there someone like that here on earth now?

I wonder where they are?

I still think it might be that guy that lives across the alleyway.
Is it him?
You know, the one who's always in the bathroom with the light on at wee hours in the morning? Washing off the residue of saving the neighborhood in the middle of the night just like Luke Cage. He's about 30-something and parks his luxury vehicle in the back of his not so luxurious house in a gentrified middle class neighborhood with a surveillance camera facing his driveway.

Or what about that girl with the locs who works at Sephora. Late 20s. Remember she said her Mother was sick? Had cancer. She talked about finding a cure. She talked about cutting her locs in honor of her Mom. She talked about reading to the kids at Children's Hospital and doing make-up for the women her Mom met in chemotherapy. She talked while she pulled out her cellphone to take a selfie of the Trophy Wife glow-up on her cheeks.

Is that what GODliness with millennial tendencies looks like?

Do you approve?

What is a millennial anyway?

I keep telling myself I gotta get ready for what you have in store for my life.

Am I there yet?
Am I there yet?
Am I there yet?
Am I there yet?

If not, what do I need to do to get there?

Am I really that gifted?
Will I end up stuck in what ifs and the possibility of possibilities?

Will it ever be a moment I can walk into a room and people won't see the FAT Black girl but see me?

Am I smart enough?
Strong enough?
Enough?

Im tired of the mantras and Instagram quotes.

I like the known.
No suspense or surprise.
Facts.
Hardcore evidence.

Exactly like how you have manifested your presence in my life.
I want to believe in myself as much as I believe in you.
As much as I believe in everyone else.

Are my parents proud?
Are you proud?
Of me?

Will I ever stop replaying scenarios of the past in mind?
Will I truly close chapters?
Is it even possible to make peace with the non peaceful?

Is there a such thing as being too woke?
Overly immuned?
Overly sensitized?
Empathy overloaded?
Is that what breeds anxiety?

Is agape love attainable in human form?
Is agape love attainable in human form?
Is agape love attainable in human form?
Or are we just settling?
Filling voids?
Passing time?
Waisting time?
Chasing time?
Racing against time?

What's the lesson you want me to learn in all of this?
Will I ever learn?

Is my living in vain?

GOD, I have questions and the only one with the answers is...