The Year of 35: Am I Enough?

My 35th birthday was this past Sunday, June 10th!

I was very excited about seeing 35 because I am extremely proud of the woman I have become. That's a major acknowledgement coming from me because I am extremely critical of myself and don't often see the praises of others as truth. I often feel like goals I've set for myself are unattainable dreams that won't really manifest themselves. I realize self-doubt isn't uncommon but in the age of social media announcements of wins one can only question:

Am I enough?

 It's not easy balancing where you are and where you think you should be. With the rise of suicide amongst children and adults I've made it a priority in these last couple years to take care of my mental state. One way I've done this is by reading my old journal entries as proof of how far I've come in this thing we call life.

As my birthday approached, I found a list in my old journal of things I wanted to accomplish by the time I turned 35. I am not really sure the exact age I wrote this list but the journal had notes in it from a peace studies lecture. "Ooooh peace studies class," I thought. I knew this list had to be written when I was liberally zen-ing through my undergraduate years in ChiTown. So I probably was around 19 or 20.

Here's what was on my list:

1. I want to be successful. Not to be confused with famous because I don't want people all up in my face like that! Just plain successful with a nice car.
2. I want lots of stamps on my passport.
3. I want a child. Not a husband but a child.
4. I want my own business.
5. I want to be an actor. Like a good one.
6. I want to be a writer. Like a good one.
7. I want to see the world. 
8. I want to be happy. Like not superficially happy but genuinely happy.
9. I want to build strong friendships.
10. I want to help women and children.
11. I want to move to Africa.
12. I want to make my parents proud.

Looking at the list I thought, damn, I have accomplished 10 out of the 12 wants from my 19/20 year old desires. I don't have a child, although I have amazing god children, and I haven't moved to Africa. Not too shabby. I immediately felt immense gratitude and calming assurance.

I have decided to leave behind in my year of 34 this constant desire to beat the clock and use of comparing tactics to self shame and down play my achievements.

I enter the year of 35 the happiest I've been in years. It is my number one goal to live my life on purpose and I affirm myself in the belief that:

I have nothing to prove to anyone other than myself.

Purpose knows no competition. 

Fear is temporary and best remedied by action. 

I am more than enough.

I am more than capable.

Even my most lavish dreams are attainable. 

I'm excited for this year of 35 and I am ready to see what I do next!

Even in Your Silence Your Eyes Will Tell Your Truth

In grad school I had the privilege of studying abroad in Paris, France.

Of course while in Paris I did all of the touristy things like a photo under the Arc de Triumph and going to the top of the Eiffel Tower. But the unique part of my studies was exploring Black Paris. A typical day at the Louvre wasn't just standing amongst droves of people trying to get pictures of the The Last Supper or Mona Lisa, I was tasked to explore art from across the diaspora in the infamous museum.

Of the many paintings I saw one forever stands out to me,  Portrait d'une négresse, by Marie-Guillemine Benoist. I loved this painting so much that I bought a printed copy of it which still hangs in my bedroom 12 years later. This past Sunday as I was focused on throwing the whole room away, I looked up and saw the woman in the painting staring back at me.

Now, Louvre art historians will have one to believe that this piece, painted six years after the abolition of slavery in France, became a symbol of the emancipation of Black women. However, if you look at this woman staring directly at the artist with one breast exposed her eyes tell a different story. She doesn't look emancipated, she doesn't look free, she doesn't look happy, and she damn sure doesn't look like she wanted to be in that space and moment in time. I do not claim to be an art historian but her eyes (nor mine) are not playing tricks on me.

Let's pause here for a brief history break. I know, I know, but I couldn't write this piece without some facts. Post the abolition of slavery in France Black women were in fact not "free." They became minor class citizens lower than their Black male counterpart. Though legislation had changed gender relations had not. Race and social relations had not either as we are fully aware of 170 years later. So needless to say the delusions of some historians, art and otherwise, romanticize slavery, emancipation, and gender relations in the world far too often than not. It's repulsive. Reminds me of the time I was visited Robert E. Lee's plantation and the guide told my tour group (full of Black folk) that Lee paid his slaves and slaves wrote Lee letters thanking him for enslaving them. I was there the day before the white supremacist tiki torch death rally in Charlottesville refuting the removal of Lee's statue. Again, repulsive.

With historical context enlightened I proudly stare back at the woman in the painting that graces my bedroom wall. She was not where she wanted to be, internally in pain, and externally tired. The years of constipated tears stain her sclera. Adorned with borrowed cloth she exposes one of her two breasts clearly not by choice but demand. Who exactly is she being painted for? The skeptics? The stakeholders? The white women who chastise her to her face yet secretly admire her body's shape and her mahogany skin that they cant seem to recreate with their cosmetic blends of beeswax and cochineal? The white men who love to control every ounce of her mind and body but can't ever tap into her soul by violating her temple?

None of the later deserve this painting and since I can't rip this painting from the Louvre walls, I'll do the next best thing and attempt to tell her truth.

This painting is in fact for you Black girl as a reminder that you are not defined by the perception of others.

No matter the pain and hurt you may experience throughout the years hold your head steady upon your shoulders and stare your tribulations right in the eye.

Learn to love yourself unwaveringly.

A smile is not a requirement to remedy the discomfort of others.

Find your rightful place and space.

Take charge of your healing.

You are love.

You are hope.

You are art.

You are emancipation.

You shape the discourse past, present, and future.

& even in your silence your eyes will tell your truth.

Red Table Talk Reflection: Seeking Warmth in the Discomfort

June is here and I couldn't be more ecstatic! Mainly because it marks the halfway point of the year. A time where we can conduct our own life audit and prepare ourselves to purposefully finish out the rest of the year. The living on purpose mantra. On June 1st I woke up per usual early. Instead of getting up I laid in my bed for awhile. Read some news articles on my phone, responded to some emails, and scrolled through social media. When I opened up my Facebook app I saw that there was another episode of Jada Pinkett-Smith's Red Table Talk which I absolutely adore. I looked at the time and I fortunately had 20 more minutes to spare before getting up and heading out in the world to be great. The day before was a terrible for me, but I had vowed to not let one bad day have any permanency in my tomorrows. I knew Jada would give me some good feels to add to my day.

This episode, Girls Trippin', Jada sat down at the red table to talk to Gabrielle Union. I love Gabrielle. I remember in the early days of her career when my little brother was crushing on her hard, I didn't get positive vibes from her. She seemed mean. Maybe it was because of Bring It On? I don't know but I wasn't a fan like I was for like say Regina Hall. However, post the uprising of social media my feelings changed. I love the affirmations she did on her pages, I loved the way she handled controversy surrounding being in love with D. Wade, I enjoy seeing virtually her business ventures and collaborations come to fruition, I love her voice in the #MeToo movement, and I adore seeing posts of her travels around the world. So needless to say I was excited to see two amazing Black women in dialogue with one another on a Friday morning. It was disheartening to know that there was ever discord between them but comforting to know that the discord could be resolved.

The conversation was everything I'd hoped it would be. There were so many golden nuggets that I wanted to keep and plaster on my wall. Jada felt it to frequently affirming Gabrielle's sentiments with "That part!" The women talked mostly about the importance of owning your role in the dissension amongst friendships with women and taking solace in the fact that there isn't instant gratification in taking the high road but it's a road that must be traveled through your healing.

"As an evolved person, as a healed person I am not interested in pain and I'm not interested in hurting you either." Gabrielle accounts.

She attributes her healing and evolution to therapy and silence. I can wholeheartedly relate. I know lots of people can't stand silence and are apprehensive about going to therapy but those two strong components have changed my world drastically. I think the main issue when you are opposed to therapy and silence is that you are afraid of confronting yourself. We all have to be fearless in our own healing in order to evolve into the best version of ourselves.


Success is the warmest place to hide and according to Jada and Gabrielle so is claiming the victim role in situations that affect our lives. Kudos and so much love to these two beautiful women for seeking the warmth in the discomfort and standing boldly in front of the world...no hiding.


A little more...
In this episode Gabrielle talked about a defining moment in her life when she was asked to name 10 things that make her happy and she couldn't. I thought I'd make my own list and share it as my blog is a living and breathing time vault of confessions that I hope to revisit years to come!

10 Things That Make Me Happy:

1. Seeing God's grace in my life
2. Creating/Acting
3. My family
4. My noodles
5. Farmers Markets and restaurants with my Mommy
6. Ladybug and God Mommy Adventures
7. Traveling
8. Long lasting friendships
9. Netflix, wine, and chocolate
10. A good unique cocktail