The Year of 35: Am I Enough?

My 35th birthday was this past Sunday, June 10th!

I was very excited about seeing 35 because I am extremely proud of the woman I have become. That's a major acknowledgement coming from me because I am extremely critical of myself and don't often see the praises of others as truth. I often feel like goals I've set for myself are unattainable dreams that won't really manifest themselves. I realize self-doubt isn't uncommon but in the age of social media announcements of wins one can only question:

Am I enough?

 It's not easy balancing where you are and where you think you should be. With the rise of suicide amongst children and adults I've made it a priority in these last couple years to take care of my mental state. One way I've done this is by reading my old journal entries as proof of how far I've come in this thing we call life.

As my birthday approached, I found a list in my old journal of things I wanted to accomplish by the time I turned 35. I am not really sure the exact age I wrote this list but the journal had notes in it from a peace studies lecture. "Ooooh peace studies class," I thought. I knew this list had to be written when I was liberally zen-ing through my undergraduate years in ChiTown. So I probably was around 19 or 20.

Here's what was on my list:

1. I want to be successful. Not to be confused with famous because I don't want people all up in my face like that! Just plain successful with a nice car.
2. I want lots of stamps on my passport.
3. I want a child. Not a husband but a child.
4. I want my own business.
5. I want to be an actor. Like a good one.
6. I want to be a writer. Like a good one.
7. I want to see the world. 
8. I want to be happy. Like not superficially happy but genuinely happy.
9. I want to build strong friendships.
10. I want to help women and children.
11. I want to move to Africa.
12. I want to make my parents proud.

Looking at the list I thought, damn, I have accomplished 10 out of the 12 wants from my 19/20 year old desires. I don't have a child, although I have amazing god children, and I haven't moved to Africa. Not too shabby. I immediately felt immense gratitude and calming assurance.

I have decided to leave behind in my year of 34 this constant desire to beat the clock and use of comparing tactics to self shame and down play my achievements.

I enter the year of 35 the happiest I've been in years. It is my number one goal to live my life on purpose and I affirm myself in the belief that:

I have nothing to prove to anyone other than myself.

Purpose knows no competition. 

Fear is temporary and best remedied by action. 

I am more than enough.

I am more than capable.

Even my most lavish dreams are attainable. 

I'm excited for this year of 35 and I am ready to see what I do next!