The Friendship Soapbox

A Hand to Hold by Shelby McQuilkin

I came across this post on Twitter that read:

"Losing a trusted friend hurts me more than losing a man. I expect my true friendships to outlive all my relationships cuz these [n-word] may be for everybody but b*tch you were supposed to be for me!!!" -@DontWorryBoutB

I’ve been thinking about friendship a lot lately mainly because my goddaughter brings it up a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean more than my already crowded brain has room for. She’s 9, so her idea of friendship is continuing to evolve. However, one thing that admittedly worries me is how she gravitates towards building friendships with kids who don’t like her, treat her unkindly, or put their hands on her inappropriately etc. It boils my blood that on Monday Lil Peanut punched her in her stomach but by Friday my goddaughter is like, “Lil Peanut is my best friend! Can we have a play date?” Internally I’m like, “Hell no! Lil Peanut can go kicks rocks!” I sometimes find myself unable to contain my inner thoughts during her friendship soapbox spiel. My anxiety chile, forces me to blurt out, “THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS GIRL!” She in turn looks at me for a moment in shock with a face of wonder. Looks like she's thinking, "what's wrong with God Mommy?" But in a matter of minutes she chalks up to me having issues and is back up on her soapbox preaching about her non friendships! Evidently our many inquiry-based conversations on what friendship is and is not hasn’t yet sunk in to her already crowded, yet can’t quite process brain. 

So when I came across this tweet I did a double take. 9 year olds grow up to be 39 year olds who still have the same struggles with friendships when they were 9. Which means friendships along with empathy are social skills that need to be actively taught. As if parents and teachers don’t already have enough to do right? Trust me I know.

The sad reality is that as adults, many of us mount our soapboxes too with common sentiments like, “I keep my circle small,” “I can count all my real friends on one hand,” or “No new friends.”

Growing up I resulted to introversion as a coping mechanism to avoid friendship trauma. That very mechanism has transcended into my adult years. I’m strategic about what I share and whom I share with. I shut down and disappear at the mere scent of mess or drama. I’m mess intolerant. But that causes me to see the world and the people in it through a stained glass lens. A beautiful rigid lack of clarity. As an adult I fall under the category of people who say, “I keep my circle small.”  Evaluating the why has been a hard yet necessary journey because teaching true friendship and empathy to my goddaughter without tainting what’s left of her innocence is extremely important to me.

The common misconception about building a strong friendship is that you have to “show yourself friendly.” We all are different and the way in which we communicate and treat people is different. Your definition of a friend(ly) could be totally different from someone else’s. I’ve gotten my feelings hurt numerous times thinking my act of friendship would be reciprocated in my time of need and it was not. I realized later that it wasn’t reciprocated because I was acting on what my perception and expectation of what true friendship is. I say all the time expectation without discussion will make an ass out of you. And just because I may not have the same perception of friendship as someone else doesn’t make either perceptions wrong. This is why I’d argue that the key to building a strong friendship is being clear with friends on what you feel friendship is and is not. Not just from a surface level either. For example saying, “friendship is support” is surface level because support too looks different to people. 

I think it’s also ok to recognize when compatibility in friendship isn’t working and to bow out gracefully. This is where this Tweet stings a bit because I have held on to people I deemed as friends for a long time even when I knew we weren’t meant to be friends. This is a trait I see in my 9 year old goddaughter. Ending friendships, especially ones you’ve had for years, is a different type of hurt. But in most, not all, cases the ending is a necessary bridge to wellness. A well person receives and gives the love in friendship from a whole and empathetic place. 

Empathy is the driving force in a true friendship. 

I think I’ll write how empowering yet bazaar it is to be an empath in another blog post...

Having a connection of understanding and shared feelings with another person will guide you to being a better friend and human being. I’m at an age where my friends are chasing dreams and trying to be exemplary contributors to society. We see each other on occasion and we stay locked in via text messages. But there are pockets of time we don’t see each other and the group thread or independent texts are silent. Empathy has driven me even in silence to check-in because I felt something was going on. Every single time, I kid you not, my independent friends were going through life altering and challenging things they had not had the time to share or encouragement from a simple, “are you ok” inquisition. Empathy requires the ability to see and feel beyond yourself and align with others. 

I’m not truly sure how to get my goddaughter to a place where she can develop a holistic approach to friendship and I know it could take years as it’s taken me. But she deserves to blossom into a 39 year old who doesn’t have to endure the fickleness of 9 year old friendships. Everyone deserves that. 

So I guess adults need a friendship and empathy social skills class too.