Under The Sunset Series: Ruby

“Hello. Ma’am, can you hear me?“

Ruby drove quickly down Pennsylvania Ave.

It’s textbook stuff they teach women. 

Don’t be with anyone who doesn’t want you. 

This is my fault. Stupid.

She thought.

Her relationship with herself had become tumultuous.  She was gifted with the ability to empathize with and outsource love to others but struggled giving herself the same grace. She found herself in a self binding contract with loving Los. Who often blamed the Zodiac and her for why he did the things he did. They were on again off again, without actually ever quite being on. But Ruby loved her some Los. This was her, “person.” 

Ruby drove quickly down Pennsylvania Ave. 

Going where? She didn't know. The last 15 years of her life was on replay in her mind.  Los had told her he didn’t want to be in a relationship with her and he didn’t want to marry her. But she kept an open mind hoping that one day she would be enough. 

She never was. 

She had been planning to surprise him for his birthday and he slid in a reminder saying, “we ain’t on that level.” 

She didn’t understand. They were always together in every way. 

As she parted her lips to plead with him to love her a lump formed her throat, silencing her. Her heart began palpitating and she started sweating. She wanted to cry but her body wasn’t allowing her any release. No sound, no tears, nothing. She thought she was having a stroke. Her legs began to shake reminding her that her nervous system was indeed still working. She knew immediately she was having a panic attack. She had had one at Los's last birthday gathering when he threw her out of their hotel room. 

"If your legs are shaking you can move Ruby" she thought.

She grabbed her keys off the counter and ran out the door to her car and drove off. 

She turned onto 15th street. She could see the sunset behind the Jefferson Memorial dome. 

"Wait. Stop! I need you!" she screamed at the sun.

As her heartbeat increased so did the car’s speedometer. She needed the warmth of the sun. She craved the love the sunlight gave in return. A serotonin healing. 

Today was hard.

Tomorrow didn't feel promising. 

Her heart was shattered. 

She kept her eyes on the sun. 

She didn’t want to lose sight of the sun. 

For a moment she forgot about the heartbreak. She forgot the burden of her life's journey. She closed her eyes as the sunlight encapsulated her face and held it in the palm of its hands.

She kept driving through the cherry blossoms. Through the guarder rail. Propelling her car airborne. Landing in the Tidal Basin.

“Ma’am can you hear me?”  Two men paddle boating nearby had managed to get her out of her car and safely on land.

She opened her eyes gasping for air. The men helped her sit up.

She could hear the whispers of the onlookers. 

“Ma’am, we’ve called 911. They should be here soon.”

Tears filled her eyes. She began wailing. The sound was so painful that those surrounding her began to cry too.

“Can we call anyone for you?”

Ruby looked up at the sky.

“Where is it? Where is the sun? Please! Take me to the sun!”

Under The Sunset Series: Lexi

The work day ended around 3pm. 

She quickly closed her laptop and put it underneath the Octavia Butler book collection her sister gifted her for Kwanzaa. She thought about the "more reading, more Riesling" resolution she set for herself at the top of the new year which, well, she has yet start. “Tomorrow,” she thought. She was tired of looking at words on screens and words on papers simultaneously. Her brain was overloaded with her stifled routine. She wished work could be socially distant too. She wished she could live a life of luxury sustained by her passions. But she's caught in the pyramid scheme of  repaying her ivy league whitewashed degrees on loan. 

She gets up from her desk, takes off her Elie Tahari suit jacket, revealing her Clay Organic French Terry Cloth Romper she had gotten from her mother for Kwanzaa. The romper was the same color clay as her sheets. She runs to her bedroom and falls face down on the bed. Chameleon-izing herself in her sheets. Her brown skin has its moment to stand alone in spite of the adornment of clothing and accessories.

She hated having to throw on a suit jacket everyday to feed the narcissism of corporate America. Since quarantine, she hasn’t been protective styling her 4c hair. At most she finger plucks the flat side she slept on the night before and hops onto the Zoom meeting looking like Angela Davis’s 1974 autobiography cover. She peeps the inquisitive side eye glances from her colleagues. Mary Anne even private messaged her and said, 

"Power to the people Lexi!!!!!!!! You rocking that hair girlfriend!!!!!!!!! I wish I could do my hair like that!!!!!!!!!!" 

Mary Anne was store brand woke with sleep in her eyes and similac on her breath. 

That gave her an instant migraine. That and all those exclamation points. She didn't reply.

She’s been thinking a lot about applying for disability when outside opens back up because the post traumatic stress of this century is real and going back into the office like shit is sweet is not going to work for her.

She turns over to look at the ceiling. “Alexa, play Ari Lennox.” The only consistent conversations she has these days are with Alexa and Siri. She calls them the Ying Yang twins. She does have a virtual wine down with her friends monthly. Last month she declared, "I ain't wearin' bras no mo!" Underwear is her thing though. She prefers them over pants any day. “Underwear is the cooter cat’s N95 mask” she told her friends , “FDA approved.”

Ari begins to sing, “I been low before...oh yea I’ve been low before” she looks at the ceiling wondering if she’s depressed. "What is depression really but a made up concept of varying thought processes?" she thought. Her mother asked her if she was depressed during their Sunday check-in call and its been on her mind all week. "Depressed? Me? Nah. I’m alone not lonely Ma. There’s a difference.”

She is 39. 

She’ll be 40 in 4 months. 

Job.

Apartment.

Car.

Single. 

No kids. 

“Ma, I think the most depressing part is defending myself to people who say I’m depressed because I am single with no kids.”

“That’s not what I’m saying at all Lexi. I am your mother, I know you very well, and I know when something isn’t right in you. But if you say you’re ok all I can do is ask Oshun for her covering.”

She gets up and heads to the kitchen and grabs a bottle of 19 Crimes. No glass needed. This was a drink right out of the bottle evening. She heads into the living room. The living room is her favorite room in her apartment. It’s the floor to ceiling windows overlooking the lake that stimulates all her aesthetic senses. She watches the sunset most nights from her sectional. 

What more could a girl ask for, right?

She felt selfish for not being content. 

For being unhappy.

She sat under her weighted throw.

Looking out her window.

Waiting.
Sipping.

Looking.
Waiting.
Ari serenading.

Sipping.
Waiting.

Crying.

Praying...

for the answers under the sunset.

Bridgerton: Pretty Ball Gowns Masking Improprieties

**There are a couple spoilers enclosed. **

Ok, I think I’ve waited long enough to talk about Netflix’s Bridgerton. Take me to Shondaland any day! Anything Shonda Rhimes touches and Julie Andrews narrates is worth the binge in my eyes. Bridgerton doesn't  disappoint. It gave what any good period drama should give: loaded character development, aesthetically beautiful costuming and sets, and humpentry.

Yeah, I made that word up. Humpentry is when actors hump like they are doing carpentry work in sex scenes.

Bridgerton also has the heir of discountenance on everyone and everything. That's needed in every good English period piece. It was also nice to see brown faces in the mix of the story. The writers managed to create a dystopian alternative to England 1813 where racism didn’t seem to blatantly exist. Charming. 

Yeah, I wrote charming in an English discountenance accent. 

All in all I did quite enjoy Bridgerton. 

Yeah, the accent is still lingering. Sorry.

I’ve already been binge watching The Crown so adding another show set in England was right up my alley. Lady Whistledown is my favorite character. I screamed at the reveal even though I began doing process of elimination early on and assumed it was her. I love that it’s her! That brings so much more depth to the story. Oh yes, Regé-Jean Page who plays Simon Basset, Duke of Hastings is foooiiine. But ya’ll done talked about his fine assetry (another made up word) to death honey!

I did however, have serious issues with the storyline that I’ve been wrestling with for quite sometime now. Bridgerton is set during the Regency era where girls are presented to the royal court as debutantes. They are then presented to the available upper echelon bachelors with the hopes to be chosen as a wife. During this era a debutante could be presented to the royal court as young as 12 years old. When a girl starts her period she is deemed ready for the debutante process because her body is seemingly ready to conceive and bare children. 

You cringing yet? 

No? 

Well, I am! 

I cringed at 14-16 years young Daphne being told to “touch” herself at night by college graduate 21-23 year old Simon. I skipped their whole honeymoon sex scenes. I teared up when she had to run and ask Rose, her maid, how children are conceived. I yelled with her in the scene with her mother when she ridiculed her for not telling her anything about sex or marriage.  Sis just threw her child into an approved a pedephilia arrangement without giving her any guidance! Approved because it's accepted by society. 

Society's approval in every era has been of detriment to generations. But that's a whole other blog post for another time, chile. 

I think what upsets me most about the storyline is that though this formal process of pimping girls doesn’t occur anymore it’s still happening in various ways in 2021. 

• Instead of debutante balls girls are now being snatched and trafficked. 
• Girls aren't being supervised by adults who have their best interest at heart. 
• Girls aren’t being taught about their body, its changes, or how to navigate through hormonal feelings. 
• Girls aren’t being taught about sex and sexuality. 
• Girls aren't taught about healthy interactions with their peers.
• Girls aren't taught about the meaning of friendship.
• Girls aren't taught about dating.
• Girls aren’t taught to claim and affirm autonomy over every part of themselves. 
• Girls are still being prepped for male satisfaction.

Girls are left to figure things out on their own which causes them a lifetime of trauma.

It’s gut wrenching. It’s infuriating. It’s depressing.

So though Bridgerton is a fictitious account of historical happenings in society. The way many girls are handled, raised, and treated in today’s society isn’t that different. The only difference is that there isn't the luxury of pretty ball gowns masking improprieties.

So, what are we going to do about it?

Pandemic Travels: ¡Por el amor de México!

I've joined the list of cabin fever humans who traveled to Mexico during the pandemic. Listen, I was nervous just like many of you are who haven't taken that leap. But I do want to share my experience with readers who are toiling with the notion of hopping a flight to an island somewhere soon.

I want to start by recognizing the people of Mexico whose country, like the rest of the world,  was shut down for 5-6 months. Mexico, where the majority of its citizens make their living through tourism. Mexico, whose government did not provide their citizens any form of stimulus or unemployment. So when you land in Mexico with your mind set on the beach and margaritas, take a moment to remember that the people of Mexico are excited to see you and to serve you because they have been income less for months. Even now that the country is open, the hotels and resorts are only at 30% capacity, if that. So revenue is cut drastically. Keep that at the forefront of your mind when you travel. Make it a priority to tip and tip well. I am terrible at taking cash on trips even though I travel a lot. So if you are like me, I get it. Remind yourself to take some cash on your trip solely for tipping. 

My Mommy and I set en route to Cancún via United Airlines. The flight arriving to Cancún had more people than the flight departing. Both flights had several empty rows and seats. United offered lots of sanitizing wipes for customers to use aboard the plane which I appreciated because I am more of a wipes girl. Ya'll can't tell me that these hand sanitizers are created equal when some of them feel like that "sticky icky icky icky!" 

But let's move on chile.

Everyone adhered to the mask requirement. Thank God! A long with my mask I wore a Lincoln Electric face shield I bought from Amazon. I love this face shield because it adjusts well to my big ole' head and hair and it’s anti fog and scratch resistant. There’s nothing sleek or sexy about it, unless you are into kinky helmet action. If so, this is the product for you beloved! You will be serving helmet queen but you will be a safe helmet queen, purrrr! Do you need a shield? I honestly don’t feel it’s necessary to have one but if you want to take the extra precautionary measure to ease the traveling tension then get it! You will feel safe. United also offered an all in one snack bag which had a cookie-esq snack item, petit pretzels, and an 8.5 fl oz bottle of Dasani. In addition to the prepackaged snack bag, flight attendants also did their standard non alcoholic drink service. Instead of a cup of your favorite libation, they gave travelers a full can for their bladders to enjoy.

Once we arrived to Cancún, which I now want to call the Island of Sanitization, because sanitizing measures are plentiful! Whenever we boarded transportation our hands, bags, and shoes were sprayed. Before stepping into common areas at the resort you had to step onto a pad of disinfectant. Those serving had hand sanitizer ready to kiss your palms with. They not disinfecting shoes in the US at least not in DC. Correct me if I’m wrong. 

As a fat Black woman there are lots of things I have to mentally prepare for when traveling. Aside from the stares and side comments in native tongues I'm in constant battle with my inner thoughts. 

Confession: there is an adventurer living inside of me. 

I call her Nine Ball. Can you name that movie? Sis always wants to do something adventurous on vacation. Always up to no good. Always wit the shits. Like, she doesn’t let up! I have to tell her to pipe down cause weight limits are real. Her response, "who cares?" I'll never forget on one trip she jet skied in Hawaii for hours and then fell off the ski into the ocean tired AF! So I actually don’t have the tolerance for sis. She’s annoying! Anyway, she pulled her usual shenanigans and signed me up to accompany her to Xplor Park. My Mommy signed up too. God bless my mother because we both had no idea what we had gotten ourselves into. We had to hike through caves for miles. Five days later and my legs are still hurting! But boy oh boy it was an amazing feat! If you are in Cancún and want some adventure fun I’d highly suggest Xplor Park. Fat woman to fat woman: our bodies are capable. It may be harder, but we are able to do it all at our own pace. I did everything in the park except zip lining. Even though one of the guides tried to encourage me it would be fine, I couldn't push myself to do it. Nine Ball was bout it but I talked her overzealous ass right on down. I don’t trust my weight on nobody’s line unless Jesus is on the main line. 

Things to think about when traveling during the pandemic:

• Backpack it! Carry a backpack with you on excursions. In it have an extra pair of clothes, sweater, shoes, sanitizer, water, masks.
• Be aware but not panicky. Observe your surroundings, wash your hands, and wear a mask religiously. But don’t make yourself sick by panicking. It’s a more health conscious vacation but it’s still a vacation nonetheless. Enjoy every moment even through this new norm.
• If you head to Mexico be kind to the citizens. Say, "hola" and "gracias." Have empathy. Tip! 
• We stayed at the Occidental at Xcaret. It's a beautiful resort with great service! If you choose to stay at the Occidental you will be staying in the middle of the Riviera Maya surrounded by nature. Not even surrounded by, you are in the thick of it! A monkey will greet you in the morning on your balcony. My only critique is that the resort wasn’t handicapped friendly. Be intentional when booking your lodging. Think about everyone in your party and choose a place that will support their needs.

Fun Activities?

Xpá in Xcaret - Lots of walking through Xcaret Park to get there but once there you take a little boat across the lagoon to have a full body massage under a waterfall. 

Xplor River Swim - Swimming through a cave is an experience I won’t forget. You should try it. Lots of walking to get to the entry of the river swim.

I’m thankful to have spent this time with my Mommy and to return to the US unscathed and under a new administration. Pretty soon we all will be back to traveling on overbooked flights, long lines at the parks, and fighting over cabanas at the beach. Ahhh the things we take for granted, right? Traveling during a pandemic is most definitely a risk. But so is going to the grocery store given the times we are living in. So go now masked up or go later with the vaccine, choose what's best for you. Just make sure to add Mexico to the list of places to go. I've been to Cozumel and now Cancún twice. There are over 100 islands you could see in Mexico. You won't be disappointed.

My Next Trip?

I need to go “home” to New Orleans to recalibrate after a tumultuous year. 

Abroad? I’m not sure yet...but I definitely want to head back to Cuba once 46 opens the borders back up. 

Heaux Tales: Liberation Through Music

Happy New Year!

I am just returning home to DC post Christmas, New Years, and Insurrection Wednesday. Ain’t nothing like a hot cup of white privilege to get the New Year started right?

I came home to unopened presents under the tree and the new highly anticipated Jazmine Sullivan album, Heaux Tales. I downloaded it immediately! Listen, I’ve been waiting for another album from Jazzy (she’s my BFF who I call Jazzy in my head) since her 2015 release, Reality Show. Baby, it was 6 years worth the wait! I was already on the edge of my seat when her singles, Lost One and Pick Up Your Feelings dropped. So, having the whole album readily available and on repeat makes me so happy!

What I appreciate most about Jazzy aside from her raspy soulful sound is her ability to write songs that tell stories. Stories of women, Black women specifically that connect us even through difference. If you haven’t listened to the album it is a musical retelling of story truths women shared about sex, love, relationships, needs and wants. Women who usually are forthcoming about these things, especially sex, are labeled “hoes” in society thus pinning the album title, Heaux Tales.

This album comes at a very interesting time for me. During quarantine I’ve been reflecting a lot about who I am as a woman in the world and for the first time including sex and sexuality in this reflection. This began when I attended a live discussion titled, The Pleasure Palace: Black Women Celebrating our Body-Temples. My sistren, Hazel Cherry, was one of the panelists so I slid on Zoom that day in support of her not expecting to be challenged to reassess how I view myself and body. Let me pause here to say, Hazel is a graduate of the Howard School of Divinity and I have to shout out the women of Howard who are shining in this season! It’s crazy because Hazel and the majority of the panelists all grew up in church, as did I. Church conditions us into believing that sexual thoughts and sex before marriage is wrong and you could be damned to hell if you did it. This notion silences women into fear of some sort of salacious eternal damnation and or ridicule from their congregations. Hazel, lended her voice and research to counter this narrative engrained in so many of us. “Pleasure is a fruit of the Spirit” she professed. From that first live discussion I began journaling and researching lessons learned from this book of life governing fables that we call The Bible. I also attended quite a few more discussions centered around the same theme. I even shared some of the findings and takeaways from the discussions with my Mom, who in her own right is a theologian, and she eagerly gave me her perspective.

I had to step away from how I was raised, and really decide who I am and want to be in this world. My list is coveted with attributes like honest, responsible, and creative which are important to me. But I also feel the importance of acknowledging within my attributes that I am: 

• a woman who is a sexual being
• a woman who is worthy of pleasure 
• a woman who is desirable
• a woman developing an understanding of who she is beyond Christian rhetoric

These things can also coexist with my insurmountable love of and relationship with God. I can also rest assured that God won’t ever stop loving me because of it.

Heaux Tales further aligns this for me in that it liberates these women’s stories. They didn’t need to create a “safe space” to share because who they are shouldn’t be silent, afraid, or hidden. If “judge your mother” was an album this would be it. Of course I wouldn’t be who I was if I didn’t read reviews of the album. While I was reading a review and simultaneously listening to Candice Benbow’s live, a woman asked Candice in the comments what she should do because she doesn’t have a Heaux Tale but wants one. I screamed! The vulnerability it took even ask that question! Liberation brings forth vulnerability and courage to talk freely not only about our experiences but our internal desires. You know the ones we keep on the hush hush.

At 37 years still growing, I don’t have a Heaux Tale either. I spent the majority of my life in fear of most things pertaining to sex and sexuality. I had thoughts of course, but I was one of these girls whose church upbringing coupled with childhood trauma and my growing anxiety that I find myself today having never had intercourse or being able to curate a Heaux Tale. I’ve listened with popcorn, and laughed with my friends as they shared their Heaux Tales. Hell, this blog was birthed through watching my friends live their heaux-full lives while I held their purses! Now, I’m not saying I’m going to run out here and bussit wide open for Pimp. However, after hearing this album, which in my opinion mirrors what the panelists in these live discussions have said, it has initiated an unlearning and redefining within. It's definitely time to let go of my own self imprisonment. Choosing pleasure it is not a death sentence. And being judged and ridiculed for choosing to be open about this choice is the burden of the ridiculer. This album is for all women, Heaux Tale or not, to be empowered to liberate their truth from silence and share their truths with each other. We could learn so much from each other if we collectively committed to being open, honest, and non judgmental. 

My favorite songs on the album? So glad you asked!  Listen, I can listen straight through. Candles lit, a good cocktail, some cannabis, and coast. No skipping. But just for you, I’d say my 2 favorite songs are:

Lost One and On It featuring my other BFF, Ari Lennox. I was drawn to Lost One upon its initial single release. All I could think about was the rawness of this woman's pleading with the person she’s broken up with. “Don’t have too much fun without me," Jazzy croons. “Try not to love no one,” the song cries. Still being in love after a break up is real. So real, right? On the album we hear the story behind the song in the interlude Rashida’s Tale. Rashida talks about being engaged to a woman, cheating on her, and the immense pain she felt because of the pain she inflicted on someone she loved so much. This story sharing opens up a whole new way to digest that song.

On it to me is raw and raunchy. I love it. It’s necessary because in R&B we mostly hear men singing about what they want to do to women’s bodies. But dammit you gonna hear from Jazzy and Ari what they wanna do to this man’s body, ok? If Pretty Ricky can whine, "let me lick you up and down till you say stop" then Jazzy and Ari can for sure proclaim that they want to, "spit on it." And the riffs in this song? The riffs alone deserve a Nobel Peace Prize! I'm just saying.

My priority these days is to actively seek joy, continue to live life wholly and representative of what I want my legacy to be. Acknowledging that sexuality is apart of living wholly has truly opened my eyes. Thank you Hazel and Candice for leading discussions on women, sex, and theology. Thank you Jazzy for this album in a season of solace and rediscovery. I can’t wait till outside opens back up and I can see participate in these conversations in person and see Jazzy live in concert!