There was no rule book, biblical or otherwise, to help us navigate this chapter of our lives. Why would I put my life on hold to help raise a child that wasn’t mine? The answer to the Why? Agape love.
Last year I had the privilege of writing a piece, Reimagining Love: How Raising My Goddaughter Taught Me the Importance of Agape Love, for the February 2024 issue of Carefree Magazine. In the piece, I shared how I became the godmother of my oldest goddaughter, Jordyn Sierra, and how she didn’t just change my understanding of love, she changed my life. I am extremely close to her, especially during her younger years. It got to the point where if I showed up to a function alone, people would ask, “Where’s Jordyn?” We were indeed joined at the hip.
A part of the story I didn’t share in that piece was that around the time Jordyn entered middle school, I began prioritizing some of my career goals. I had been teaching for over a decade while simultaneously running my own production company, SoulFLY Theatre Society. I wanted to figure out how to step out of the classroom and fully focus on my company, to forge ahead in my artistic career path. I spent the bulk of quarantine taking online workshops, streamlining my résumé, and joining a “leaving the classroom” community for support. You wouldn’t believe how hard it is for teachers to transition out of the classroom, it’s insane. The strong programmatic leadership, organizational management, strategic vision, adept-ability, financial acumen, emotional intelligence, effective communication, social, and wellness skills teachers master daily deserve far more acknowledgment in corporate America. We have trained every CEO, so I don’t understand the dilemma here.
Anyway, post-quarantine, I started applying for grants, jobs, and fellowships, anything that might move me toward the next chapter. In 2022, I was awarded a prestigious producing fellowship in NYC. At first, I didn’t fully understand the scope of what it entailed, so I didn’t immediately tell Jordyn. In my mind, it wasn’t that big of a deal, I’d be conducting business as usual, just with an added layer of education to strengthen my producing practice. It was indeed a big deal. Once I was accepted, the program director asked, “When will you be moving here?” Wait, what? He explained that the best way to fully experience the fellowship was to actually live in New York.
I toiled with the decision. My mom assured me that the risk was worth taking, reminding me that people of privilege take these kinds of opportunities all the time. Even though I didn’t have the privilege of not worrying about lodging or income, I knew I couldn’t pass up something that might be the stepping stone toward manifesting my dreams. My family and closest friends were supportive, so I sent in my resignation and began packing for a new city. The hardest part? Telling Jordyn, the one person I wished I could take with me.
I remember the conversation vividly. I was driving down Brentwood Parkway, Jordyn in the passenger seat, controlling the music. We’d been arguing about how depressing Rod Wave is. “Jordyn, please, I don’t want to be depressed. Can you play something else? If not, I’m choosing.” “He’s not depressing, God Mommy!” she sighed, before switching to Elle Varner’s Refill. Her music taste has always swung between “sad teenager” vibes and early 2000s love songs, I’ll always prefer the latter. I think we were headed to Trader Joe’s, scavenger-hunting in TJs had become our thing. She loved trying new foods but never left without her staples: chili and lime rolled tortilla chips, seaweed snacks, pancake bread, and green power juice. My broke best friend. As Elle Varner hiccup-sang her way through Refill, I turned the music down. “Ladybug”, my nickname for her, “I was awarded this fellowship and have to move to NYC for a while.” Silence. I glanced over, she was looking out the window, her brows furrowed. “At first I didn’t even know I’d have to move. But it’s a really good opportunity to help me reach my goals.” More silence. Then sniffles. She was crying.
“You okay, Ladybug?”
“You’re leaving?” she said, before crying harder. And then I cried too. I hadn’t expected her to be so emotional. Later, when I told my best friend, she said, “Why were you shocked? You guys are intertwined. Of course she’d be affected.”
I assured Jordyn I’d only be a phone call away, and for the first year, I made sure I was home on Fridays to pick her up from school. Throughout the three-year fellowship, I did the God Mommy thing from a distance surprising her with visits, dropping everything to come home when she needed me, while also committing fully to the fellowship. I wanted to quit so many times, but I pushed through and finished strong.
At the end of my final year, the producing office I worked with had a show, MEXODUS, opening Off-Broadway with Audible. I was so proud of the show and the work I had done as the culmination of my fellowship years. When my boss told me I had two tickets to opening night, I immediately knew I wanted Jordyn there. She’d visited me in NYC before, but this was different. I wanted her to celebrate the “final hooray” of the three years I had sacrificed with me.
We showed up to her first “Broadway” opening night in our 90’s Hip Hop chic fits. She rocked silver bamboo earrings, a Black Girl Magic graphic tee, a leather cargo skirt, and bow-embellished tights with matching shoes. I was in my Peace, Love, Hip Hop graphic tee, gold bamboo earrings, shades, leather pants and Jordan 1s. “Flyer than the rest of ’em,” in my Wale voice. Ladybug loved the show, snapped pictures at the theater and with the cast, and turned into full-on Social Susie at the afterparty. I never want her to forget the example of choosing yourself, even when it’s hard, even when you’re a giver and take care of others around you, which she is.
So here’s to the lessons, the risks, and the quest of dream manifestation. Here’s to agape love. Here’s to Jordyn Sierra! I still dream of loving bicoastally, and as I take the necessary steps to reach my goals, I want Ladybug to come with me, while also keeping my heart open to supporting her as she chooses her own path.
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