Happy (almost) Birthday...

Ok this is it. The week of my birthday blog post. I always do a birthday week blog post reflecting on the current year and celebrating the grace GOD has shown me by blessing me with another year of life. This ritual is a must for me, so I am forcing myself (in the midst of a hectic end of the school year schedule, trying to plan SoulFLY events, and meeting application deadlines) to sit down, calm down, and reflect. It puts things in perspective as you embark upon a new year of life.

Here's a baby picture of me. The last time I was at my grandmother's house I took a picture of this picture that she keeps nestled on top of her very large chester drawer and mirror set in her front guest room. I look so happy right? Smiling from ear to hear. Mealnin poppin' and eyes twinkle twinkle little starrin'. My saliva is giving me a glossy lip beat and I am clearly red carpet ready in my good ole Baptist church dedication dress. Something about chocolate skin in white clothing. Those ribbons and barrettes are barely holding on to my inch and a half natural very new growth.

But look closely at the bottom right corner.

There's a hand there.

I never asked whose hand that was because I am pretty sure it's my Mommy's. I could be wrong but I don't think I am.

This picture to me speaks to this year perfectly.

I have laughed. I have cried. I have been excited. I have been disappointed. But no matter the life event (and there will always be many) I looked to the right and my Mommy was right beside me holding me up. She let me go and just be and create and live my dreams but she never let me feel like I was alone.

But it doesn't stop with her.

My family showed up this year for me in a big way.

Mommy was on the right and my brother Andrew was on the left. Making me laugh and getting on my nerves simultaneously but always working on my dream with me.

My aunts have all motivated me this year, showing up, working my shows, buying tickets, reposting my work, and celebrating my accomplishments. Whenever I felt the least bit discouraged I would receive a random message from my aunts that would give me the push I needed.

I have a small but very loyal group of friends/framily who not only support me but motivate me to dream bigger. This year I also made a few new friends who I feel like I have known for a very long time.

This year I watched GOD put together the pieces in my life that were broken and made sure I had a solid support system to help move me to the next level.

To the little girl in the picture I want you to know in this new year of life that:

• The woman you have become...I am fighting for you. 

• You are not alone.

• I won't give up on your dreams.

• I won't deviate from the path towards your purpose. 

• I won't let fear deter me from your promise.

• I will not be afraid to trust and lean on family and friends but I will be confident enough to maneuver through life on my own.

• I will speak positive things in to existence.

• I will lead a life of humility.

• I will continue to support others.

• I will let go of expectation.

• I won't let disappointment hinder fortitude.

Happy (almost) Birthday!

I love you.

To The Isolated

I read a young woman's Facebook status the other day where she reflected on her life today compared to what her life had been like in previous years. "People don't call like they used to..." she wrote. I hit the love button and rallied up some words of encouragement to leave under her post. I kept scrolling and came across another young woman's status that pretty much exclaimed the same frustration with what I like to call the "you-ain't-useful-to-me-no-more syndrome" that so many people are infected with. I composed another few sentences of encouragement, posted it, and kept scrolling through the usual social chaos on my socially non networking sites.

The next day I found myself still thinking about these young women and their posts. I couldn't help but to think about my life as well and how I too find myself in the same situation they shared. I thought about these ladies individually. One is a an amazing writer and the other one is an entrepreneur legitimately running two companies. Both are in their thirties, hard workers, kind, and deep thinkers. We all have so much in common.

So what makes us not worthy of consistency in friendship?

Is there something we have done?

As an adult seemingly it shouldn't hurt you to see friends hanging out without you and you weren't even a factor when the invitations went out. It shouldn't hurt that your phone doesn't ring anymore because you are no longer needed. But unfortunately, it does in fact hurt. Even though adulthood and frequent independent woman catch phrases are used to camouflage basic human emotion, it doesn't make the experience any less painful.

I hate to use words like alienated because it has such a victimizing tone to it. I, along with these two women are actively sustaining our liberation through womanhood. However, as I confront my these thoughts I am always left with alienation being the descriptor. 

But here's the caveat, we have to stop giving other human beings so much of our headspace and access to power they do not posses. Easier said than done I know, but it's necessary. After taking a hard look at my life and everything that has happened so far I strongly believe that the alienation I feel is simply GOD placing me in isolation.

I'm isolated so He can protect me.

I'm isolated so that He can groom me.

I'm isolated so He can prepare me for the great things He has in store for my life.

Yes, in the meantime its going to hurt. I will feel lonely, used, frustrated, infuriated, and disappointed.

But I have never not had what I needed. I may feel lonely but I have never been alone.

Not once has GOD ever stopped blessing me in my isolation.

So in the meantime I will pray in times of despair but remain thankful that He thought enough of me to place me in isolation.

To anyone who may be going through this very same thing. You are not alone. 

Thank God for choosing you to be apart of the chosen few.

To the isolated.

For The Undiscovered Actor

As many of you know I started my own company, SoulFLY Theatre Society, with one of my best friends from high school in 2010. Since the start of this journey I have battled with myself. Sometimes we are our worst critics.

To be honest I was scared.

Starting a company with little know how is frightening. However, I've been blessed to have met some really amazing people along the way that have supported me.

As a Black female businesswoman (wooof that was even a little scary to type) I am trying to create high quality and thought-provoking artistic experiences that provoke social change. It is my hope to liberate the minority voice, specifically the voices of women of color. Doing all of this on a small budget I often feel limited. This is mainly because I believe artists should be compensated well for lending their gifts to public domain.

Far too often the Arts are not considered a viable occupation. Thats why so many artists have to result to working a 9-5 to pay their bills instead of being fully immersed in their creative outlet. An artist is very much a minority in societal workforce norms, which I find extremely odd given the fact that the amount of consumption of artistic products by the world is vast. Whether its the music you are blasting on your drive to work or when you binge watch your favorite web series, everyday all day no matter where you are in the world you benefit from some sort of art form. Those gifted enough to produce these art forms deserve to be treated the same as any other respected profession.


Throughout my journey with SoulFLY I have been honored to work with lots of wonderful people that understand this very thought and yet still agreed to work with me for small stipends and at times even for free. That is a testament to the love a true artist has for their craft. I have encountered lots of talented actors who could and should very well be seen in all major film, television and theatre outlets.  I've been observing what works for both the actor and the director when forging long lasting relationships and have decided to share.

This post is dedicated to the budding actor who is working with smaller theatre companies. Directors your post is coming soon.

Here we go...

ACTORS:

• BE OPEN TO TRYING A SMALL THEATRE COMPANY--Small theatre companies might not be able to offer you a lot of compensation like larger companies but the close knit relationships formed are priceless. You never know what that company will grow into or do so keep your relationship in great standing with that company.

• SUPPORT BEYOND JUST ACTING--The actors I appreciate the most are the ones that stayed after rehearsal to help clean up or manned the lighting booth. The ones who hit me up just to check in or inquire if I need any help with a project they aren't cast in. It shows the company that they aren't just an added line on your resume. By supporting the company in other ways you prove that you believe in it's mission and want to see the vision come to fruition.

• FOLLOW THROUGH--It's easy to lose professionalism when you aren't being paid. I get it. But you should always maintain professionalism. If you commit to a project with a small theater company give your all plus another 100%. Arrive on time, have your lines memorized if not before then by the deadline, be receptive to direction, and apply the direction given to your task.

• DISPOSITION MATTERS--Man, if I could fully verbalize how one nasty attitude can infect an entire project. Don't be that one. Rehearsals, run-throughs, and filming can be long and taxing but maintain a positive demeanor. Always. You may be tired, hungry, sick, sad...persevere positively! A nasty disposition is not one you want to be associated with your name in the theatre/film community. 

We are all in this thing together. The best of the best is coming your way! Have fun and break-a-leg!

2015: Dragging The Broken

It's time to say goodbye to 2015. It's amazing how much your life can change in a matter of 12 months. So my dearest blog here is my 2015 life change story. Keep it in your care...I have no use for it.

Those who know me well equate Cynthia with church. When my friends wanted to hang out I always had something to do at my church. "Girl, you always at that church," I'd hear on Friday nights. But the reality is I enjoyed being at church.

The Bible clearly states: "forsake not the fellowship of the Saints..." There is something precious and earnest about working together with them that love GOD.

My parents got married at church. My Mommy carried me in her womb at that very same church. My parents raised me in that church. I along with those I grew up with were labeled "church babies." I grew up in that church. Had my first stupid crush at church. I considered my church family my real family. A true kinship. My passion for the arts stemmed from the birth of the orator inside me right in that church. My dedication to serving the homeless and working with children was cultivated at that church. I often get praised about being a great leader and developing quality programming for both adults and children which I can only attribute to the practice I got being a leader and creating quality programming at church. I can close my eyes and still see clearly the hundreds of people lined up to say their goodbyes to my Daddy at his funeral held at that church. My God Mother whom my parents met at church was the only best friend I had growing up. I learned the importance of standing up for what I believe in at church. I was afforded the blessing of becoming a God Mother to a girl child because of the out pouring of benevolence manifested at church. Church was a major part of my course as a young woman.

In 2015 my church reality changed. The kinship I thought I developed with some people at my church revealed itself to be a farce. And it broke me mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally.  So whilst GOD was still moving me to greater things and opportunities in 2015 I was holding on with broken pieces and I couldn't really enjoy it. I spent the majority of 2015 second guessing myself. I developed anxiety attacks which if you have never experienced is the most scariest situation to be in. But the most hurtful part of it all is watching how it has also hurt my Mommy, although she never skips a beat and remains a super hero.

But in life the unpleasant moments are often coupled with mind blowing experiences that outweigh those unpleasantries. You ever see a kid walking down the street with their parents and they are attached to their parents via a leash of sorts? When I was growing up it was literally a long elastic band, with velcro cuffs at each end, my Mommy would secure one cuff on my wrist and the other on hers and she would drag me downtown to the "Taste of DC." I was a chubby chocolate thing and hated walking, so I would moan and groan but she didn't care. She just kept walking 100 miles per hour just dragging my poor thick thighed self down Constitution Avenue. Nowadays the baby leashes have gotten much fancier. Kids now have little stuffed animal harnesses on, with a long elastic band attached to their parent's wrist. The drag however is still the same. The poor babies are still whining down the street. That pretty much sums up my year. I wanted to give up. I didn't feel like moving. But GOD dragged me from one opportunity to the next. Broken pieces and all. With Him I managed to:

• Push my company's mission further.

• Direct two successful professional shows.

• Produced two podcasts of which one has developed a strong following.

• Spent 10 months writing for one of the top lifestyle sites for African American Women.

• I met some amazing people that supported my business.

• I received an outpouring of love and support from people whom I adore.

• I was able to support my fellow Black female entrepreneurs work by showcasing them in my writing.

• I nurtured and motivated young artists.

• I was able to sit down and meet with one of the top Black female directors in Washington, DC.

And the list goes on.

And now because of all of the hard work done in 2015, pretty much every weekend in January 2016 is already booked and I can't even take an ounce of credit. It was all GOD! So I praise him for the drag and not leaving me when I needed Him most.

"Heartbreak opens onto the sunrise for even breaking is opening and I am broken, I am open. Broken into the new life without pushing in, open to the possibilities within, pushing out. See the love shine in through my cracks? See the light shine out through me? I am broken, I am open, I am broken open. See the love light shining through me, shining through my cracks, through the gaps. My spirit takes journey, my spirit takes flight, could not have risen otherwise and I am not running, I am choosing. Running is not a choice from the breaking. Breaking is freeing, broken is freedom. I am not broken, I am free." -Pariah (2011)

I CAN'T

I can’t stop talking about being a Black girl

A woman of color

I only see the beauty in my sun kissed

Liberally blessed

Melanin rich skin

I can’t stop talking about being a Black Christian girl

Who feels deeply about maintaining my relationship with GOD

I crave daily spiritual cleansing

A feeding

A WORD

Age coupled with experiences

My interest in man’s idea of religion

Has waned

I cherish my one on one time with GOD

Thus avoiding the castigation of the “saints”

I can’t stop talking about being a Black Christian FAT girl

Morbidly obsessed with following my dreams

I understand I gotta do something about this weight

Both alive and dead

Treadmill runs to the Son

I bathe in excellence first

Yet imprisoned by the numbers on a scale

I’m FAT not deaf

I can hear the ridicule and disgust

Yet you secretly lust to meet & greet

The purity between my big ass thighs

I can’t stop talking about being a Black Christian FAT Artistic girl

Who’s finally found her calling

Her divine purpose

Spent years hiding from it

Until it is what I needed to live
To breathe

To cope

I’m transfixed by the aesthetic of the pictures in my dreams

Positioned into real time

Real space real place

If only for a millisecond

My soul leaves my body

And I can see her

Open

Free

True Love

GOD

This must be what junkies feel like

The anxiety

The itch

The yearning

Constantly chasing that first high

I’m chasing the pictures in my dreams

Positioning them into real time

Real space real place

& waiting

For that millisecond

When my soul escapes my body

& I can see her

I can see GOD

I’m anxiously

Itching

& yearning

To see the art inside my soul

Take the breath of life.

Who else but GOD?

I can't.

I can’t stop.

I can’t stop being.

Me.

Nice Guys Will Always Finish FIRST...

In 2012 there was a scientific study done with college students and published in a Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin that finds men who are nice are often ignored and put on the back burner in society. Thus perpetuating the phrase "Nice guys finish last." Even the word nice is used in very flat, non-emotive, dismissive sort of way when people want to describe something or someone. The word nice can lack zest and spunk like some of its synonym colleagues, amiable and commendable. I argue however, that this scientific study is refutable and inaccurate.

Nice is the nucleus of what a great person should be. Therefore nice guys won't ever finish last. They are always one step ahead of everyone else because they have truly embodied the heart of Christ.

Yesterday, August 3, 2015 Jimmy (James) Jones, one of the nicest men I've known, transitioned into the heavenly realm. Jimmy was always one step ahead of the rest in faith, in jest, in love, and in conduct. This was a man who embraced people as his family. This was an impeccable trait of Jimmy's especially living in a world where people pride themselves on judging and isolating others. Jimmy was the polar opposite of society's norm. He embraced quite a few us by calling us his sister or his brother, a title that he meant and took very seriously. From the phone calls, messages, words of encouragement and hugs to making sure we got in the Beyonce concert, were safe in the clubs, and hydrated at the zoo, his sister/brother sentiment proved not to be just words. We had in fact become Jimmy's blood siblings. 

Jimmy's family and church family both are mourning our loss. But through our broken hearts we find comfort in knowing that there's no safer place he can be than in the arms of the Master. Jimmy has proven and taught us that nice, amiable, kindhearted, well-mannered, courteous, gracious and obliging  guys will always finish first and receive the greatest reward and that is seeing our Savior face to face.

Have a blast up there big brother! 

Don't worry about Tiff, Jayla, or Tae Tae. Your family will cover them with the same love you have always shown us.

"Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.  I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes.There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelation 21:1-4)

"Choices" in the "Silver Lining" (Celebrating My Day of Birth)

when i can't express

what i really feel

i practice feeling

what i can express

and none of it is equal

i know

but that's why mankind

alone among the animals

learn to cry.

--Nikki Giovanni "Choices"

It's that time of year again. My birthday! Dirty 30...+2!

A friend of mine reminded me that I hadn't posted my usual birthday blog(s) so I had to get on it ASAP.

This year has truly been an eye-opening year for me.

A year of growth. 

A year of mistakes.

A year of dreams becoming realities. 

A year of disappointment and heartbreak. 

A year of sweat-less victories. 

All of which would not have happened if I wasn't living life to the fullest. And life ain't worth living if GOD ain't the center of it all!

As I enter into a new year of life I am grateful and humble to be afforded another opportunity to continue living the best life I can.

The opportunity to make my parents proud.

The opportunity to learn from my mistakes.

The opportunity to see my dreams come to fruition.

The opportunity to heal from hurt and heartbreak.

The opportunity to glorify the One who moves mountains out of the way so I can be victorious.

Lots of people have asked me what I want for my birthday? Crazy thing is everything I want isn't even materialistic. However, I will share the list with you:

--More of GOD
--Wisdom and discernment
--To continue to see the world
--To always be able to see the silver lining
--Eternal happiness for me, my friends, and my family
--A successful run of my show (baby) L'Africain Saccharine Ballad (get your tickets here...shameless plug)
--To be able to help Ladybug be the best she can be
--The unnecessary police violence against our Black boys/men (and girls/women) to stop.

June 10th is the best day of the year. Gemini is the best sign in the Zodiac. I am attempting to be the best woman I can be.

This week literally goes down in history as the best week ever...my birthday, my kids musical performances, and Season 3 of Orange Is The New Black is back!

What more can a girl ask for?

So if I'm looking up don't mind me
But I can't be, (I just can't be) I can't be down no more
And if you don't know where to find me
I'm out looking
I'm looking for the silver lining
The silver lining, and I don't know where
But I'm hoping I'll find it
I'm looking for the silver lining
--Jazmine Sullivan "Silver Lining"