Surviving the Love of Patriarchy

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Art by: https://www.dacre8iveone.com/

For over a month now I have been working on a documentary focusing on the cycle of sexual assault and abuse that has taken residence in the Black community. Originally I wanted the piece to shed light on the impact this type of trauma has had on the Black family. I hoped to peel back the rug and clean up the years of silenced guilt and grime in order to begin healing. Admittedly, this started as most of my projects do very personal and I was uncomfortable by the thought of it. I even pitched it to another director hoping they would take it on but they too were apprehensive. I ended up going for it. It was my hope to start this process with my own family first, using their stories as the base case study. Upon pitching it to my family I received support from some while others, within their right, refused to participate or support it. 

One of my closest friends recognized this same cyclical pattern of sexual trauma in her family and immediately stepped up and shared her truth. She too received criticism from her loved ones but remained dedicated to hope of healing as well as all of the other women I have interviewed thus far.

So when I heard about Surviving R Kelly being released after what I read was years of production, network shopping, and threats and sabotage from Robert’s camp I was extremely interested to see it for a few different reasons. As a filmmaker, I wanted to gain insight on the finalized structure of the docuseries which I knew had a wealth of information. Having a deep interest in activism, I was eager to hear #MuteRKelly co-founder Oronike Odeleye’s insight on the launching of her movement. Oronike also agreed to be a part of my documentary as well. As a friend, I felt like watching further showed support to friends who too experienced traumatic interactions with R Kelly as young girls growing up in Chicago. What I had not anticipated however, was how I would be sucked into the contents of this documentary so much so that I found myself re-watching it in the wee hours of the morning when I should have been asleep for work and got lost in Google searches. There is so much information packed into this docuseries that if you aren’t focused on what is being said you will miss key parts of the storyline.

“I can’t watch it,” one of my friends confided as I sought to unpack the viewing aftermath and the disheartening social media commentary with her. “At least right now - my attacker said, R Kelly had the perfect song, and put it on the recorder and I was assaulted to it - if that says anything at all...” In fact my dear friend, it says it all. At the heart of those who defend Robert lies their “love of the music.” People are unable to separate the man from the music. They are unable to see how he painted the truth of his own predatory and abusive nature in the lyrics of his songs. They can’t wrap their minds around the very fact that every song or album or concert ticket they bought or streamed aided in his ability to pay off victims and their families. I don’t think people are able to fully digest the power mainstream media and entertainment has over the human psyche. Exploitation of Black women and girls in our society, whether in entertainment or everyday life, has the ability to ignite and justify predatory behaviors in others. I understand why we gravitate in very emotional ways to celebrities we “love.” It stems from the “they made it” school of thought because, to be frank, systematically it’s hardest for Black folks to “make it” and when we do it is generally cherished. I, myself, had a hard time separating Bill Cosby from Heathcliff Huxtable but just like the rest of us Bill Cosby and Robert Kelly are ordinary humans too.

They are not GOD.

They are not invincible.

They have faults.

They are not above the law.

They should be held accountable.

There are so many issues I have post viewing the six part docuseries from the responses justifying Robert’s behavior and re-victimizing the survivors to the sexual abuse being a damn near fortune 500 company operation, fully staffed, at the expense of Black women and girls. I think what’s most infuriating for me is how patriarchy knows no race. People don’t just “love” the music but they LOVE patriarchy. They crave it. So not only are Black women and girls surviving R Kelly we have to fight to survive patriarchy.  At the core of Black Lives Matter, Me Too, Mute R Kelly are Black women organizing and fighting for men and women and whenever the moment presents itself for it to be reciprocated the truth rears its ugly head time and time again. Black women and girls aren’t valued. Yet we are the ones who will stand up and fight for everyone else. Leading the charge politically and spiritually. There has never been any inconsistency in the support and rally of Black women for justice in our community but we are still deemed irrelevant.

It’s a waste of time to sulk in this realization and allow it stop the work and healing that needs to be done in our community. Robert has committed heinous acts. He should be jailed and in jail receive the treatment he needs to confront and heal his own trauma. As a community we must take a deeper look into the childhood sexual trauma of our Black boys. I commend Dream Hampton and her production team for forging through with this body of work. It’s time to heal ourselves, confront our traumas, call out our abusers by name, and have these tough conversations in our families. There’s not one ounce of white acceptance or reparations that’s going to heal our community. Only WE can heal our community!

Black women and girls:

WE BELIEVE YOU!

It’s never too late to tell your truth.

Take charge of your healing.

Fight for yourself.

Fight for one another.

You deserve to be respected.

You deserve to protected.

You are viable.

You are loved.

You are necessary.

You are necessary.

You are necessary.