"When I Was 14": The Amber Cole Debate

Do you remember when you were 14? For me that was the beginning of my ninth grade year of high school. Mentally I was pretty much still a baby. Spoiled. Daddy's Girl. I went to school across town so I was catching the train and bus by myself to school. Cell phones were just starting to become popular and my mother bought me one "for emergencies only!" Hip Hop was alive. My favorite group at the time was the Lost Boyz, I knew "Renee" and "Love Peace and Nappiness" by heart, and had a slight crush on Mr. Cheeks. How? I couldn't tell you because the only Cd's my parents bought me were Toni Braxton, Boyz II Men, and of course any gospel Cd I wanted. On television I was in to shows like Dawson's Creek and Felicity. I was a regular 14 year old girl.

This reminiscing session started a couple days ago on Twitter when #wheniwas14 was a trending topic. I was excited to mentally back track to my youth and recall all of the memories I could. As I remembered things I tweeted them. I even searched the trending topic to see what others had to say about their 14 year old days. I shortly realized that this trending topic was in direct relation to another trending topic: #AmberCole. Intrigued I read some tweets: "What the HELL was this hoe thinking? #AmberCole", "Crank dat #AmberCole" lmao", and "What's #AmberCole's Twitter name? Me and my mans trynna get on! lol" Confused I read on and discovered that Amber Cole is a 14 year old girl who was video taped performing fellatio on a boy (who remains nameless) outside, in the back of their school. The video was posted on Facebook and went viral causing an all out cyber bullying on social media outlets with this young lady's first and last name as the focal point.

I am extremely bothered on so many levels by this story that I am not really certain on where to begin. Many blogs and articles are blaming Amber's actions on the music, poor parenting, and television. I am strongly opposed to blaming music and television on the behavior of teenagers because this has been the excuse for decades and frankly its not a deciding factor on if a child is sexually active. I know for a fact when I was 14 girls were performing fellatio in the back of my school. Some came from two parent homes, some didn't. Some went to church, some didn't. Some made good grades, some didn't. Teenage sex isn't specific to the type of teen or their personal backgrounds. It just so happens that when I was 14, camera phones were non existent and the Internet was just making a name for itself. If you want to go back even further to my Mother's 14 year old days, girls had sex and got pregnant. This was way before Hip Hop and cell phones and television was considered a delicacy in many homes. There is something happening developmentally in these children that we are overlooking, not nurturing, and blaming everything/everyone else for what is ultimately a decision they end up making.

Parenting makes a strong difference in a child's life. However, "bad parenting" has always been a subjective term because there are no rules, guidelines, or instructions on how to be a parent. The "bad parent" and "good parent" labels are all opinion based. Yes, if a parent is inattentive its likely their child may live an inattentive lifestyle. However, because parents are proactive, supportive, and attentive does not mean their child will make the right decisions. Therefore blaming the children's parents isn't always correct.

My theory is this: Children are sexually intrigued at very young ages. That's why you may see 2 two year olds kissing in the sandbox or even an 18 month old intrigued by his "wee-wee". This seems to the natural order of things. The issue arises when we stop monitoring the children's developmental growth, and become silent about sex because we still see our now 14 year old as that two year old playing in the sandbox. Also, those raising male children feel like they have it easier and that spills over in the choices these young men are making. The young men are often celebrated with a pat on the back while the young women are demonized and ridiculed. This attitude has got to stop and both the male and the female need to be held accountable for their actions. Lastly, I have a problem with the way in which schools are structured during the course of the day that would give children leeway to sneak out and perform sexual acts while at school. But that my friends, requires a whole different blog post.

I feel humiliated for Amber and her parents. I am equally as humiliated for the young man, his parents, and his boys that taped it and posted it for the world to see. They all contributed unknowingly to the child pornography industry and that's gut wrenching. There's honestly nothing any of us can do to prevent every teenager from having sex but it doesn't mean we shouldn't try. Having a defeatist attitude is the same as condoning their actions. They do it because they think its OK and have no accountability. It's not OK! Its our responsibility as adults to help our youth make better decisions.

As I look at my God daughter asleep in her playpen, I say a prayer over her life so that she wont ever have to look back and regret the choices she makes when she becomes 14. I can't stand beside her for every choice she makes but I will live my life so that she has a positive example, I will be honest with her about sex, and I will grow with her so I don't mistakenly shelter her as the baby in the playpen.

Amber Cole is reality. Amber Cole is someones baby....Amber Cole could be your baby...we have to do more!

And Then There Was...

And then there was...

Light.

God gave us light. An illuminating source of electromagnetic radiation that provides optical stimulation so things can be viewed clearly.

"This little light of mine I'm gonna let it shine..."

"You light up my life...you give me hope to carry on..."

...or so I thought...

I was conflicted. I only saw what I wanted to see. I only saw what I wanted you to be. The silhouette of the person I dreamed you'd be.

Come closer step into the light.

And then there was...

I romanticized you in my mind. Tall, dark...genuine. Never payed attention to the details specifically highlighted, TYPED IN ALL CAPS, in bold, for-warning. The scars of girlfriend's past and the lies...

And then there was...

You said all the right things and made all the right moves. Made me feel like I belonged to someone. Loved.

And then there was...

Constant arguing, lies, selfish exploitation, verbal abuse, demeaning acts, Bi-Polar rants, and tit-for-tatt "imma get you back" behavior.

And then there was...

"I'm sorry" mixed with tears, letters, "I love you baby" and "You're my forever"...

And then there was...

Light.

Forgiveness. Second chances. Love.

And then there was...

Arguing. Yelling. Bi-Polar rants. Selfish gestures. Yelling. Walking away. PROCLAMATION! Grabbing of hair. Thrusting of head. Throwing of object in face. Derogatory name calling. Threats.

And then there was...

...Silence...

God gave us light.

Optical stimulation that can only be viewed if your eyes are truly open. What God has given no one can take away.

And then there was...

You. Lessons learned. The End.

But there will always be: Light!

"This little light of mine...I'm gonna let it shine...let it shine...let it shine...let it shine!"

Reflections From A Window Seat...

It's been forever I know! But I'm back at it. It's the beginning of a new month. Spring is vastly approaching and there is a lot to see, accomplish, and dare to dream.

I've been using my time off to travel mostly. I've been everywhere from Chicago to Jamaica. I even had the opportunity to spend time in Las Vegas. While traveling I had a lot of time to reflect on my life and the direction it is headed.

For the most part I am at a stand still in my life. Not progressing much. Not living my life to its full potential. I got caught up in helping others with their lives/problems and forgot to take care of myself. Typical "Purse Carrier" behavior. We take on every one's issues without taking care of ourselves. To me this is almost equivalent to self-mutilation.

As I spent hours looking out the window of an airplane, looking down through the clouds at the skyline of cities many people only dream about I felt ashamed. Ashamed that I ignored God's blessing over my life and tarnished it with the mess and negativity of others. Masking it with sacred actions such as love, friendship, and support.

Just think if we put the same amount of energy as we put into our friends or significant others as we do to God we wouldn't find ourselves in situations of regret, heartache, turmoil or strife. Where man strips of everything God replenishes what is stolen.

Today, I stand my ground. Having learned a lesson for which I already knew the outcome, the hard way. I'm just not going to deal with negative, self loathing people anymore, I will not place myself in situations where I am knowingly sinning against God and then make excuses for my behavior, I'm rearranging my life so that it can return to being fruitful and rewarding, and most importantly I am going to stop waisting time, energy, and money on people and things that won't benefit my growth as a woman...as a woman of Christ.

I am thankful for lessons learned, the chance to try until I get it right, and the next reflection I'll encounter looking down through the clouds at the skyline of the city of Barcelona, Italy. Seeing the world puts my world in perspective.

For Colored Girls

"Ever since I realized it was something called a "Colored Girl" an evil woman, a bitch or a nag, I've been trying not to be that & leave bitterness in somebody else's cup..."

I was introduced to the script "For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf..." by Ntozake Shange my 11th grade year in High School. Sweet 16. I wasn't even a woman yet & I faced this material as the next main stage production at my school. I was cast as Lady in Orange, who "danced the BATA"! Yes...with a 16 year old innocence I tackled issues of rape, abortion, prostitution, and murder all of which I had never experienced before...gratefully. I played the role but had yet to experience what it meant to be colored and a woman trying to coincide in the world. After the production ended I stored the material in the back of my mind, added the play to my resume, and continued on dwelling in my 16 year old innocence.

Time passed and I quickly blossomed into a colored woman in the world. To make it sound nice for you politically correct, 21st century Black feminists I quickly blossomed into a "Black woman" in the world. College, relationships, racism, disappointments and more. My 16 year old innocence has metamorphosed into 27 year old resentment. The stories in For Colored Girls mean more to me today than they did 11 years ago or they will 11 years from now.

This is why I was so excited to see Tyler Perry's adaptation of the play brought to the big screen. Of course many in the Black artistic community doubted Tyler Perry's ability to achieve this goal. On opening night I was ready. I was out of town but I made it a point to make sure seeing the film was in my plans. I ended up at a theatre that many would deem "hood-rich". The smell of Vienna sausage and Similac perfumed the air. I headed to the last row, sat down, and immediately updated Twitter on my whereabouts. A security guard came flying out of nowhere and flashed his trusty flashlight on me and said, "No cellphones!" A little startled I chuckled to myself. I looked around at the audience and immediately thought about W.E.B DuBois's "double consciousness" theory and how Black folks have to always look at one's self through the eyes of others. Here we have a Black filmmaker, who has made a Black film, about Black women with an audience full of Black people. In that moment I felt liberated from the "double consciousness" theory. We now have the choice to watch stories about us told by us. We no longer have to go see Angelina Jolie as Cleopatra if we don't want to.

I watched the film with an open mind. Leaving all previous conversation I had with fellow artists behind. The cast was amazing but the script was weak. To take a choreopoem and try to make a screenplay that is appealing to your "type" of audience is a very difficult task. I respect the risk Mr. Perry took because not many have the confidence to take that risk. The elements of ensemble, of self discovery, and most importantly prose was lost. However, the stories of triumph in spite of trial remained the same.

I urge everyone who has not read Ntozake's original piece to read it and see a stage production of it. To the Black artistic community: I challenge you to take more risks. Its easy for us to criticize another artists work but do we have the confidence to take risks and produce work to get criticized? Or are we just sitting around criticizing moves we wish we made? Think about it...

....And this is For Colored Girls who are shaping their own rainbows circumferenced by a prayer that Kimberly Elise will get an Oscar nod.

Tackling the Issues Part IV: Sweetest Hangover...Love

Love. I really don't know where to begin on this subject. Naturally, as a woman I desire to be loved romantically. We all do whether you want to admit it or not.

I want it all: The marriage, the house, the car, and the kids.

Well, to be perfectly honest I really want to be married, living in a high end real estate brownstone/condo, in some big city, in a trendy little neighborhood, with a Yorkie named Cunty, a posh therapist, 5 kids (4 of which are BLAsian and the youngest one I adopted from South Africa). I want a housekeeper named Griselda and a gardener, her husband, Javier. I want to pump to work in my Louboutins (Gucci flats in my Louis bag) to my high profiled artsy job and live out my days loving and laughing with my family.


Don't laugh. You have to set your dreams high! :)


Nevertheless, we all desire to live out our lives with that one special person that completes our complicated lives. To those who have found this person I am so happy for you. But for those of us who are dating someone or are single we are going through the ups and downs on our journey to true love and I personally want to address these issues.


For about 8 months now I have been back and forth in what I would consider one of the most significant relationships I have ever been in. I am a private person so only a few friends and my brother know who I am dating. The most important aspect of this relationship for me is the self discovery. We all get head strong thinking we know exactly who we are, what we will tolerate, and how we want our relationships to operate. But the reality is when you add another person into the mix you are no longer thinking for you and what you want. You start thinking about what you both need in order to make the relationship work. For instance I was always the one who protested, "I will NEVER tolerate anyone who cheats on me! Uh Uh that's dead!" During the course of the relationship I faced the accusation of infidelity. Strangely enough the way I handled it was nothing like the way I proclaimed. Even though cheating was not proven, the accusation or suspicion can hurt just as bad as committing the act. In love comes toleration and strength that you don't really get to utilize as a single woman.


What bothers me most about love is its stability. People break up or get divorced everyday. Committing my time, energy, and heart to someone with the odds that it just may not work is frightening. I am not a person who accepts failure as an option and will fight hard to make things work. However, if its not meant to be your fight won't be enough to sustain it. I can't explain how much that really bothers me.


Solution:

I haven't really hashed the solution out. I can say that being in this relationship has brought me closer to the woman I am and has helped me conquer some of my fears. I am a better person than I was 8 months ago. I love my baby more and more everyday. Love heals. Things that frustrate me or hurt me fade away in love. Try not to worry if love will be here tomorrow and focus on the happiness it brings today. Trust in its power, accept its place in your life, and never forget to reciprocate it. It's undoubtedly "the sweetest hangover that I don't want to get over..."

Tackling The Issues Part III: Lil Girls, Lil Secrets, Lil Lies, Lil Lives

"I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys-R-Us kid, there's a million toys at Toys-R-Us that I can play with..."

I love that commercial.

Being a little girl, where the only worries you had were what outfit you were going to wear to school or whether or not to check the yes or no box on Brandon's letter asking you to be his girlfriend, had to be the easiest time in my life. I'm not necessarily saying I want to go back to the days of barrettes and plaid pleated skirts, but I do often reminisce on the easiness of it all. One common thing I remember from Elementary School to High School is that there was always a group of girls that would reap havoc in the school. They would make fun of you, talk behind your back, tell lies, and gossip yet smile in your face everyday.

Not much has changed since I have been out of school. These same girls have grown into lil girl women. They still operate the same, spreading lil girl gossip, telling lil girl lies, keeping lil girl secrets all behind your back. The difference from then and now is that they sit at your dinner table, call your phone, claim to be your friend yet slandering your name from the very same lips they kiss you on your cheek with.

These so-called "friends", family members, and co-workers sleigh me. I don't understand their methodology nor do I condone it. Quite frankly, the thought of them boils my blood. If you don't like me don't associate yourself with me. What's so hard about that concept? Interaction with these women spark all types of emotions within me but for the most part I shut down for fear of lashing out. It's nothing more devastating than being loyal to people who aren't loyal to you.

Solution:

Lil girl women are everywhere. There's honestly nothing you can do about it. Be strong inspite of what they may say about you. They are merely focusing on you in order to camouflage their own flaws. Don't seek retaliation. Pray, write, cry and even vent to someone you know you can trust. Don't allow your spirit to be broken. If you observe the lil girl women carefully you will see that behind it all they are nothing without each other. They need one another to keep themselves afloat. Don't be afraid to stand alone. In the end you will be standing in your promise and they will still be lil girl women, telling lil girl lies, reaping lil girl havoc and living lil girl lives. They will have never been anywhere and never have done anything but be a lil girl.

Tackling the Issues Part II: "All My Church Babies Say Amen"

Ahhhh church. The metropolis of the sinning saint.

I grew up in a small church. My father was a Deacon and my mother was the Pastor's Secretary and Director of Youth Activities. Every Sunday my little brother and I would get up, put on our Sunday's best, get greased down, and head to Sunday School.

Being born into a church you are considered the "church baby". You even develop the "church baby" syndrome. Church members that love you will give you gifts, money, and a kid's favorite...CANDY. You might go over their houses and call them Aunt or Uncle. Your childish innocence can see no wrong in these people because they haven't done any harm to you. You love them with every fiber of your being and run full force with open arms to them when you see them on Sunday mornings. Since my church was small everyone knew my family and we knew theirs. My parents maintained a united front with keeping my brother and I children. They never spoke any ill will of any church member in front of us or stopped us from loving anyone we chose to love in the congregation.

Seasons change and the "church baby" becomes a woman. You start to see things a lot differently. The same Aunties and Uncles that you admired and loved so much as a child are different. They harbor a jealous spirit, gossip, and even manipulate. You see how they act in church meetings, choir rehearsals, or in mission based settings and are flabbergasted by their behavior. You begin to develop your own opinion of them and hurtfully determine that they aren't who they appeared to be.

This is where I find myself today. Since I grew up in church and spend most of my time there today, many people who are stationary in my life are people I grew up around in church. These same people have supported me financially and prayed for me when I went off to college and for that I am eternally grateful. Though many of you reading this may be opposed to organized religion or going to church in general I can assure you that belonging to a church can benefit and enrich your life and give you life long relationships. However, as a "church baby" who is now a woman I find myself constantly discovering the true colors of many of these adults I loved a child. This is painful. Many of these same people still view me as a "church baby", and you know "church babies" are seen and not heard. But the woman I am has become very outspoken and fearless when it comes to speaking out on things.

This is a moment in my life where I feel stifled. With adulthood comes responsibility and a natural progression into leadership. A "church baby" taking a leadership role isn't always received well especially in my church. You aren't taken seriously, you are placed under a microscope, spoon fed reminders of that which is ritual, and you aren't given a fair opportunity to express yourself freely. This makes me upset and suffocates my desire to actively participate in church activities. I am honestly now coming to church because of the pride that my mother has still having her children by her side. Though I am supporting her there isn't any personal gratification in it for me and that is a very satirical place to be in.

Solution:

My God mother often says to me: "Don't let anyone discourage you." Though I get tired of cliches being used as solutions she is absolutely right. I have to stop letting people have power over my outcome. Words and actions are painful but the positivity in the outcome soothes the pain. Fear not all my fellow "church babies" there is power in the outcome but you cant get to it without a struggle.