MORE: Evolving My Worship (A Song Review)

I've always wanted my blog to be diverse with the type of material I post. Hence the reason why my posts range from short stories, poetry, movie reviews and more. I haven't however written a review of any music. Which is kind of strange because music is a major part of my life. In today's post I want to switch it up a bit and review a song that I have had on repeat for the entire week: "More" by Lawrence Flowers & Intercession.

Gospel music to me is rhythmic accounts and testimony that chronicles how amazing God has been in your life and celebrates the love and adoration one has for Christ. I simply love Gospel music.

Oh the worshipper in me wants to be free/from the cares of life that seem to weigh me down/Yes the worshipper in me needs consistency/to lift my hands to give you praise when  no ones around.

The opening lyrics of the song "More" by Lawrence Flowers and Intercession spoke to me immediately. I grew up in a very old school, family oriented church. It wasn't uncommon for Sister Johnson to tell me to sit down even though she wasn't my Mother, and I listened because I knew my parents would not stand for me being disrespectful to an adult. As a child, I always had moments where my entire body wanted to jump up in worship because even as a child I knew how much I loved Jesus and was very aware of His presence in my life.

Oh the worshipper in me wants to break free/from the intellectual mentality/like when I should be up I'm seated in my seat/I should be lifting my hands, giving you praise, and glory.

I even recall one time during the children's choir rehearsal, I had to be about 12, I came up with these movements for the soprano section to do while we were singing. One of the choir's coordinators had a fit! Dancing in church? A big NO! Dancing at the time was considered to be too secular. I often felt stifled in my worship as a child. Children just didn't get up out of their seats and worship during this time. I desired more from my worship experience.

PROCLAMATION: I want to give my best to you/I want to do what you ask me to/I want to go wherever you say/Just say the word and I'll obey/I want to live a life that's real/I want to serve you Lord for real/Lord you deserve all this and more/so I give you...more

As time progressed, and I got older, churches around the world began to change. Churches began ministering through dance, surrendering their bodies as a living sacrifice as they worshipped God. Today, I am proud to have witnessed this change in the church I grew up in. I am equally as proud that I along with some of the ones I grew up with, who also desired more, fought for this change. With any change people are hesitant and don't understand, but they are slowly but surely becoming more accepting. Not only that our dances are touching people spiritually and have brought people to Christ and back to church.

Seeing God move in my life, my family, my church I want to give Him my very best. He deserves all I have to give and even then I would not have given enough to repay Him for what He has already done and will continue to do for me.

I have vowed to follow this PROCLAMATION: I want to give my best to you/I want to do what you ask me to/I want to go wherever you say/Just say the word and I'll obey/I want to live a life that's real/I want to serve you Lord for real/Lord you deserve all this and more/so I give you...more

You're deserving of MORE...I give you MORE...

God deserves more of my time, more of my trust, more of my service, more of my love, more of my prayers, more of my respect, more of a relationship, more of my adoration, more of my obedience, more of my service, more of my sacrifice, more of my worship. When I think about the goodness of Jesus and all He's done for me...He deserves more.

This song truly awakened a testimony in me.

I surrender all/I surrender all/all to Thee my blessed Savior/I surrender all.

The Anecdote to Betrayal

"Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him. Even so, I will defend my own ways before Him." (Job 13:15)

A story and lesson I feel is worth sharing:

I recently found myself face to face with someone from my past who thoroughly betrayed me and I strongly believe tried to sabotage the completion of Master's Degree. No this is not an opening to a Grisham novel, this is real life. Let me get you caught up without completely disclosing names, dates, or social security numbers.

In 2007 I was at the end of my tenure as a Master's Candidate and I was getting ready for my Master's Thesis defense. Everything dealing with the thesis process up until this point had been extremely smooth. I knew God had a plan for me to finish my degree and graduate on time because my other classmates were all having a tough time. A couple of weeks before my defense I got a call from one of my Professors asking me to meet her at the school. I get to her office and she tells me that a "friend" of mine complained that I was fraternizing inappropriately with undergraduates and had taken her to a party where she felt uncomfortable. My Professor told me to be careful who my "friends" are and focus on defending my thesis. Flabbergasted I had a whole heap of emotions. I felt betrayed, undermined, lied on, and wanted revenge. I never said anything to this "friend", I prayed, cut all ties and never spoke with her again, until recently when I was face to face with her.

Now, it is human nature to defend yourself against falsified accusations and defamation of character. Those of you who know me personally know that I take pride in and work hard at being a woman of moral character. Those of you who don't know me I will say this: The heffa lied on me.

My situation was unique in Graduate School because I went straight to Graduate School from Undergrad. So I was a young graduate student. My Undergraduate Institution was different than many because it didn't have a formal campus the city was its campus. So when I got to Graduate School I took full advantage of the typical college life that I missed in Undergrad. I pledged, went to parties, step shows, joined campus organizations, and made friends who were both undergraduate and graduate students. I was 23 years old and having the time of my life!

Now we all know our "friends" the ones who like to party and the ones don't. The judgmental "friend" and the down for whatever "friend". On the night of the party I was at  this "friend's" house. She was hosting a dinner party. When her party ended and everyone was leaving she started asking everyone where they were going? Hesitantly, I said I was going to my friend's birthday party. My "friend" said "can I come?" I told her, that she may not like it because it was an undergraduate party. I also warned her that my friend throwing the party is gay and she may be uncomfortable because she had expressed being uncomfortable around gays in the past. She still insisted on coming. So we went and she left within 5 minutes of being there. But then goes and complains about me? Something is not right!

OK now that you have the background info, let's fast forward. After years of not speaking to her I was faced with having to be around her in a social gathering of mutual friends. I honestly, tried to divert my attention to the unlimited mimosas but just being in her presence brought back that same feeling I had in the pit of my stomach the day I met with my Professor. I wanted answers or maybe I just wanted to take my hand and wring her neck...I'm not sure. But I prayed, the entire time I spoke to God. And every time I speak to Him He reveals himself in some way.

I listened to this girl talk about her life and I realized she's struggling with something much deeper than what she did to me. And what she did doesn't matter. I have my degree, I am successful, and my life is fulfilling. People are going to lie on you,"friends" will betray you, and you will be hurt because of it, however, realizing the blessing and the lesson through the hurt it is the anecdote. Besides, our version of betrayal is nothing to Jesus' story.

I choose the anecdote.

"The Audacity of a Ninja"

Long time no blog....yes, yes, I know. The urge to write is always there but I just haven't put forth an effort to capture and post my thoughts. There have been so many things disturbing my spirit for the past few months from the Trayvon Martin case, the questionable Stop Kony 2012 movement, the blatant disrespect these elected members of Congress have shown my POTUS, Mitt Romney's ever growing, gray side burns that are channeling the parasites in Ignorantville who are encouraging him to be the lead ignoramous, Global warming's clear mission to have us confusedly sweating during the winter months and burn us all to ashes this summer, and of course The Real Housewives of Atlanta acting like pure grass-fed, free-ranged, coonish hens in South Africa.

There's so much I could cover today but my thoughts have been consumed and I even lost sleep over one thing and one thing only...

Before I begin to dissect whats bothering me I do want to preface this post by saying I have been taught "to whom much is given, much is required." God's continuous blessings and favor over my life has been abundant. With these blessings and favor comes a responsibility. Now, its easy when the responsibility involves doing something for myself, or my family, but its when God places you in the uncomfortable situations smack dab in the middle of controversy and challenges you to live up to your responsibilities is when it can be difficult. You can lose friends and loved ones. Martin and Malcolm were killed living up to their responsibilities/callings. But when God says, "do it" in my life He stops everything until its done. So I had to get up early today and write this post. God has blessed me with so much artistic talent and this is the venue in which he uses me to live up to my responsibilities.

With all that being said I call this post "The Audacity of a Ninja".

I have made a conscious effort not to call Black folk the "N" word anymore. No matter how we camouflage the word as a term of endearment, add the "a" or "ah" to the end of it, or pop it for Daddy when we hear it on our favorite tune, it was once a word used to chastise my Grandmother and I'm sure when I walk into a room full of Wonder Bread they still whisper it under their breaths. So I have been really trying to reprogram myself to not say the word.

I now say ninja.

Ninja is a Japanese term. A ninja is a member of a feudal society, highly trained in martial arts, and is usually hired to sabotage or assassinate. Now, I know the question will be: "Well, are you saying Black people are always trying to sabotage something?" DING! DING! DING! 100 points for you Lacreesha! YES! Not all of us but a lot of us. The next question I'm sure is: "Well, why is this only specific to Black people? Don't other races of people sabotage things?" And to that I say, you are absolutely right TaeQuan, they do, but I'm not talking about them today I'm talking about you!

This crabs-in-a-barrel mentality is tearing up families, friendships, social groups, and churches. Ninjas conspire before seeing what transpires. From the most educated to the welfare Mom. Some parents are teaching it to their children. It is out of control and I can't figure out why. Why is it that we will tear each other down, but march and rally against people like Zimmerman while we are killing each other literally and figuratively? After decades of having to endure racism and degradation towards us from other races we turn around and do the same thing to one another.

What makes it worse are statements like these:

"Obama doesn't do anything for Black people!"
"As long as all my kids are born two years a part I'll always get a check!"
"Light-skin girls/guys are cuter."
"My babIES daddies aint shit!"
"I get high everyday all day."
"You got that nigger hair."
"You going to college, you bourgeoisie."
"Oh, no girl, I don't go on that side of town, they ghetto."

Need, I say more? STOP IT! RIGHT NOW! It's time for us to STOP IT NOW! No more ninja behavior. No more perpetuating stereotypes. We need to rise above whatever circumstance, neighborhood, job title, financial status or achievements and start respecting and supporting one another. If we disagree, do it respectfully. Stop buying the drugs and guns that are wiping out our communities. Stop moving to the suburbs and not giving back to our poorer communities. More importantly stop killing each other! There are too many issues we face as a race daily and I am tired of dealing with the same exact issues from people who look just like me.

STOP.

"When I Was 14": The Amber Cole Debate

Do you remember when you were 14? For me that was the beginning of my ninth grade year of high school. Mentally I was pretty much still a baby. Spoiled. Daddy's Girl. I went to school across town so I was catching the train and bus by myself to school. Cell phones were just starting to become popular and my mother bought me one "for emergencies only!" Hip Hop was alive. My favorite group at the time was the Lost Boyz, I knew "Renee" and "Love Peace and Nappiness" by heart, and had a slight crush on Mr. Cheeks. How? I couldn't tell you because the only Cd's my parents bought me were Toni Braxton, Boyz II Men, and of course any gospel Cd I wanted. On television I was in to shows like Dawson's Creek and Felicity. I was a regular 14 year old girl.

This reminiscing session started a couple days ago on Twitter when #wheniwas14 was a trending topic. I was excited to mentally back track to my youth and recall all of the memories I could. As I remembered things I tweeted them. I even searched the trending topic to see what others had to say about their 14 year old days. I shortly realized that this trending topic was in direct relation to another trending topic: #AmberCole. Intrigued I read some tweets: "What the HELL was this hoe thinking? #AmberCole", "Crank dat #AmberCole" lmao", and "What's #AmberCole's Twitter name? Me and my mans trynna get on! lol" Confused I read on and discovered that Amber Cole is a 14 year old girl who was video taped performing fellatio on a boy (who remains nameless) outside, in the back of their school. The video was posted on Facebook and went viral causing an all out cyber bullying on social media outlets with this young lady's first and last name as the focal point.

I am extremely bothered on so many levels by this story that I am not really certain on where to begin. Many blogs and articles are blaming Amber's actions on the music, poor parenting, and television. I am strongly opposed to blaming music and television on the behavior of teenagers because this has been the excuse for decades and frankly its not a deciding factor on if a child is sexually active. I know for a fact when I was 14 girls were performing fellatio in the back of my school. Some came from two parent homes, some didn't. Some went to church, some didn't. Some made good grades, some didn't. Teenage sex isn't specific to the type of teen or their personal backgrounds. It just so happens that when I was 14, camera phones were non existent and the Internet was just making a name for itself. If you want to go back even further to my Mother's 14 year old days, girls had sex and got pregnant. This was way before Hip Hop and cell phones and television was considered a delicacy in many homes. There is something happening developmentally in these children that we are overlooking, not nurturing, and blaming everything/everyone else for what is ultimately a decision they end up making.

Parenting makes a strong difference in a child's life. However, "bad parenting" has always been a subjective term because there are no rules, guidelines, or instructions on how to be a parent. The "bad parent" and "good parent" labels are all opinion based. Yes, if a parent is inattentive its likely their child may live an inattentive lifestyle. However, because parents are proactive, supportive, and attentive does not mean their child will make the right decisions. Therefore blaming the children's parents isn't always correct.

My theory is this: Children are sexually intrigued at very young ages. That's why you may see 2 two year olds kissing in the sandbox or even an 18 month old intrigued by his "wee-wee". This seems to the natural order of things. The issue arises when we stop monitoring the children's developmental growth, and become silent about sex because we still see our now 14 year old as that two year old playing in the sandbox. Also, those raising male children feel like they have it easier and that spills over in the choices these young men are making. The young men are often celebrated with a pat on the back while the young women are demonized and ridiculed. This attitude has got to stop and both the male and the female need to be held accountable for their actions. Lastly, I have a problem with the way in which schools are structured during the course of the day that would give children leeway to sneak out and perform sexual acts while at school. But that my friends, requires a whole different blog post.

I feel humiliated for Amber and her parents. I am equally as humiliated for the young man, his parents, and his boys that taped it and posted it for the world to see. They all contributed unknowingly to the child pornography industry and that's gut wrenching. There's honestly nothing any of us can do to prevent every teenager from having sex but it doesn't mean we shouldn't try. Having a defeatist attitude is the same as condoning their actions. They do it because they think its OK and have no accountability. It's not OK! Its our responsibility as adults to help our youth make better decisions.

As I look at my God daughter asleep in her playpen, I say a prayer over her life so that she wont ever have to look back and regret the choices she makes when she becomes 14. I can't stand beside her for every choice she makes but I will live my life so that she has a positive example, I will be honest with her about sex, and I will grow with her so I don't mistakenly shelter her as the baby in the playpen.

Amber Cole is reality. Amber Cole is someones baby....Amber Cole could be your baby...we have to do more!

And Then There Was...

And then there was...

Light.

God gave us light. An illuminating source of electromagnetic radiation that provides optical stimulation so things can be viewed clearly.

"This little light of mine I'm gonna let it shine..."

"You light up my life...you give me hope to carry on..."

...or so I thought...

I was conflicted. I only saw what I wanted to see. I only saw what I wanted you to be. The silhouette of the person I dreamed you'd be.

Come closer step into the light.

And then there was...

I romanticized you in my mind. Tall, dark...genuine. Never payed attention to the details specifically highlighted, TYPED IN ALL CAPS, in bold, for-warning. The scars of girlfriend's past and the lies...

And then there was...

You said all the right things and made all the right moves. Made me feel like I belonged to someone. Loved.

And then there was...

Constant arguing, lies, selfish exploitation, verbal abuse, demeaning acts, Bi-Polar rants, and tit-for-tatt "imma get you back" behavior.

And then there was...

"I'm sorry" mixed with tears, letters, "I love you baby" and "You're my forever"...

And then there was...

Light.

Forgiveness. Second chances. Love.

And then there was...

Arguing. Yelling. Bi-Polar rants. Selfish gestures. Yelling. Walking away. PROCLAMATION! Grabbing of hair. Thrusting of head. Throwing of object in face. Derogatory name calling. Threats.

And then there was...

...Silence...

God gave us light.

Optical stimulation that can only be viewed if your eyes are truly open. What God has given no one can take away.

And then there was...

You. Lessons learned. The End.

But there will always be: Light!

"This little light of mine...I'm gonna let it shine...let it shine...let it shine...let it shine!"

Reflections From A Window Seat...

It's been forever I know! But I'm back at it. It's the beginning of a new month. Spring is vastly approaching and there is a lot to see, accomplish, and dare to dream.

I've been using my time off to travel mostly. I've been everywhere from Chicago to Jamaica. I even had the opportunity to spend time in Las Vegas. While traveling I had a lot of time to reflect on my life and the direction it is headed.

For the most part I am at a stand still in my life. Not progressing much. Not living my life to its full potential. I got caught up in helping others with their lives/problems and forgot to take care of myself. Typical "Purse Carrier" behavior. We take on every one's issues without taking care of ourselves. To me this is almost equivalent to self-mutilation.

As I spent hours looking out the window of an airplane, looking down through the clouds at the skyline of cities many people only dream about I felt ashamed. Ashamed that I ignored God's blessing over my life and tarnished it with the mess and negativity of others. Masking it with sacred actions such as love, friendship, and support.

Just think if we put the same amount of energy as we put into our friends or significant others as we do to God we wouldn't find ourselves in situations of regret, heartache, turmoil or strife. Where man strips of everything God replenishes what is stolen.

Today, I stand my ground. Having learned a lesson for which I already knew the outcome, the hard way. I'm just not going to deal with negative, self loathing people anymore, I will not place myself in situations where I am knowingly sinning against God and then make excuses for my behavior, I'm rearranging my life so that it can return to being fruitful and rewarding, and most importantly I am going to stop waisting time, energy, and money on people and things that won't benefit my growth as a woman...as a woman of Christ.

I am thankful for lessons learned, the chance to try until I get it right, and the next reflection I'll encounter looking down through the clouds at the skyline of the city of Barcelona, Italy. Seeing the world puts my world in perspective.

For Colored Girls

"Ever since I realized it was something called a "Colored Girl" an evil woman, a bitch or a nag, I've been trying not to be that & leave bitterness in somebody else's cup..."

I was introduced to the script "For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf..." by Ntozake Shange my 11th grade year in High School. Sweet 16. I wasn't even a woman yet & I faced this material as the next main stage production at my school. I was cast as Lady in Orange, who "danced the BATA"! Yes...with a 16 year old innocence I tackled issues of rape, abortion, prostitution, and murder all of which I had never experienced before...gratefully. I played the role but had yet to experience what it meant to be colored and a woman trying to coincide in the world. After the production ended I stored the material in the back of my mind, added the play to my resume, and continued on dwelling in my 16 year old innocence.

Time passed and I quickly blossomed into a colored woman in the world. To make it sound nice for you politically correct, 21st century Black feminists I quickly blossomed into a "Black woman" in the world. College, relationships, racism, disappointments and more. My 16 year old innocence has metamorphosed into 27 year old resentment. The stories in For Colored Girls mean more to me today than they did 11 years ago or they will 11 years from now.

This is why I was so excited to see Tyler Perry's adaptation of the play brought to the big screen. Of course many in the Black artistic community doubted Tyler Perry's ability to achieve this goal. On opening night I was ready. I was out of town but I made it a point to make sure seeing the film was in my plans. I ended up at a theatre that many would deem "hood-rich". The smell of Vienna sausage and Similac perfumed the air. I headed to the last row, sat down, and immediately updated Twitter on my whereabouts. A security guard came flying out of nowhere and flashed his trusty flashlight on me and said, "No cellphones!" A little startled I chuckled to myself. I looked around at the audience and immediately thought about W.E.B DuBois's "double consciousness" theory and how Black folks have to always look at one's self through the eyes of others. Here we have a Black filmmaker, who has made a Black film, about Black women with an audience full of Black people. In that moment I felt liberated from the "double consciousness" theory. We now have the choice to watch stories about us told by us. We no longer have to go see Angelina Jolie as Cleopatra if we don't want to.

I watched the film with an open mind. Leaving all previous conversation I had with fellow artists behind. The cast was amazing but the script was weak. To take a choreopoem and try to make a screenplay that is appealing to your "type" of audience is a very difficult task. I respect the risk Mr. Perry took because not many have the confidence to take that risk. The elements of ensemble, of self discovery, and most importantly prose was lost. However, the stories of triumph in spite of trial remained the same.

I urge everyone who has not read Ntozake's original piece to read it and see a stage production of it. To the Black artistic community: I challenge you to take more risks. Its easy for us to criticize another artists work but do we have the confidence to take risks and produce work to get criticized? Or are we just sitting around criticizing moves we wish we made? Think about it...

....And this is For Colored Girls who are shaping their own rainbows circumferenced by a prayer that Kimberly Elise will get an Oscar nod.