2016 List Of Thankful Thoughts

"Let's go around the table and say what we are thankful for..." 

You know the tradition.

With a lot of sighs, a few eye rolls, and questions like: "Can we do this after we eat?" I listened to some of my family members publicly proclaim what they were thankful for. The conversation shifted mid rotation and my opportunity to share never landed in my lap, of which is number one on my list of things I'm thankful for, but I promised myself that I would write and share my list of thankful thoughts. Writing, by the way, is the perfect anecdote for the artist that lives mainly in her own private thoughts. 

I wholeheartedly agree that verbalizing what you are thankful for is very important for the speaker (writer) and the listener (reader) because it humbles all involved. If only for a millisecond life is placed into prospective and you are forced to recognize things or life occurrences that manifest by a power greater than ones self. You are forced to recognize GOD. Gratitude in practice is in a lot of ways a spiritual cleansing. 

So here's my 2016 List of Thankful Thoughts:

MY FAMILY

I honestly could write an entire book about my family and the covering they've had over my life especially this year.  I was one of these people who had convinced myself that I was more connected to people I called my family than my actual blood relatives. I love my family and am grateful for their presence in my life and pray that each of their lives are blessed abundantly.

MY (FR)AMILY

I have some of the most talented and beautiful friends walking the earth. I call them my (fr)amily. They are definitely prime examples of Black millennials who are paving the way for generations to come. I'm so proud of each of them and their accomplishments. I probably get more excited about their endeavors than they do. I am grateful for their consistency in friendship over these many years. My love for them will never waiver.

MY GODCHILDREN

Malik and Jordyn. ChiTown and DC. King and Ladybug. Two very important chapters of two very different times in my life. I had the privilege of watching Malik being born and even named him. I have the privilege now of watching Ladybug grow up. God has given me a gift through these two children. A gift I do not take for granted and as long as I am living I promise to be apart of their support system no matter where we are on the globe. I love them with all my heart and pray for their safety and prospering every day. 

SOULFLY THEATRE SOCIETY

SoulFLY is definitely my baby. A company I am building from the ground up. I am so thankful for our success this year as well as the lessons. I am also grateful for the actors, filmmakers, writers, and directors I have built lasting relationships with all because I took a leap of faith and began to follow my dreams. Every moment is scary. Financially every dream followed is a major risk but if I die and didn't try did I ever truly live?

DISCOVERING SELF-CARE

Halfway through this year I really began to take this self-care thing seriously. I want a lot of things and if I'm not mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally prepared to handle the things I pray for then I know GOD will wait to bless me until I am. So I've begun to put in the work from small things like wiping the slate clean on social media to developing a prayer schedule. I'm grateful for how self care has changed the course of my life. I've also been doing the whole working out thing and though I hate it I am thankful for my devil trainer and his prison yard work out sessions. I am thankful for the 35+ pounds that are gone and thanking GOD in advance for the strength and endurance I am building through working out.

What's on your list of thankful thoughts?

FAT Fortitude Diaries: Motivation Monday's: Den-Ray Allen's Weight Loss Story

One of my most fondest memories as a child is traveling to South Africa with People to People Student Ambassador Program. I was a chubby little Black girl from Chocolate City DC experiencing a whole different culture, on an entirely different continent at only 12 years old. I am blessed. I will never forget the baboons climbing our tour bus as we journeyed through Kruger National Park, the home with walls made from cereal boxes in Soweto, digging for diamonds in Bloemfontein, and staying with a host family who had a maid in Cape Town. But what made this excursion the most sacred were the friendships I formed. Robin and Den-Ray were my girls on the trip. After we left Africa and were back in the states I probably called Robin everyday and Den-Ray invited me to the coolest birthday sleepover ever. 

As time passed and we got older we lost contact. Luckily, during my time in undergrad I was able to find them both on Facebook. You know back when Facebook was only for college students. I was even able to link up with Den-Ray at a bar before she moved to Georgia.


Though social media has become detrimental to social interaction I can say that it has helped me find people I've lost contact with over the years. I was able to follow Den-Ray's weight loss journey through social media as she lost over 175 pounds.  I was eager to pick her brain for any wisdom she might have to help me and other women like me who are actively trying to get fit.

Den-Ray encourages us to be confident in choosing to get fit, "It's okay to acknowledge you want to change yourself without hating yourself. Society tends to make it seem like a person can't be proud of who they are and work towards weight loss," she says. She's right, society will criticize you if you're fat and then criticize you for trying to lose weight. I call it the "damned if you do, damned if you don't" mentality. This mentality also breeds the notion that if you are an overweight woman you are unhappy and don't love yourself. Den-Ray explains that every woman is different, "It depends on the woman. I know women with a wealth of confidence and are both women who are larger and smaller than I am." However, Den-Ray admits that body image is something she struggles with, "I was not happy at my former size, but I'm still considered over weight and am very happy. I have body image issues, but again I think that's personal," she confesses.

So what moment triggered Den-Ray to begin her weight loss journey you might ask? "I didn't like the way I looked in a t-shirt and jeans" she states. "I spent too much time looking for clothing that wasn't the typical "plus sized" garb. You know, A-line dresses, v-neck t-shirts, and wrap dresses." Admittedly the plus size industry has improved over the years but the cost is high and the selection is limited.

Watching Den-Ray's journey she has remained steadfast and is reaching her goals and looking amazing in her new dresses! Like many women I wanted to know the secret formula to Den-Ray's success here's her advice: "start small and build momentum. Take all advice with a grain of salt, and build a network of support. Most of all forgive yourself if you mess up."

One of God's greatest gifts is giving me inspiration through the lives of my friends and family. Thank you Den-Ray for sharing your journey with the world and epitomizing strength, love, and most of all FAT Fortitude.

Den-Ray's Favorite Healthy Meal: "I love a good Caesar salad with grilled chicken, roasted brussels are my fave vegetable," she proclaims.

Den-Ray's Favorite Workout Exercises: "I love Zumba, but weight lifting gives me the best results," she says.

To learn more about Den-Ray's journey and to get advice visit her website at: The Century Journey.
IG: @thecenturyjourney

FAT Fortitude Diaries: Adding Insecurity To The List

Photo Credit: http://thatjeffcarterwashere.blogspot.com

Today I missed my training session with my trainer. I overslept having been up saying insomnia prayers Friday night till about 3 AM. A part of me is very disappointed I missed it because I have been developing a routine of waking up early on Saturdays, getting the workout over and done with, and having lots of energy for rest the day. Though I hate the whole process of working out, having that energy for a full day with a side of aching muscles, is a feeling I've learned to appreciate.

But another part of me is glad I missed it. As a FAT woman who is trying to get fit I realize I have some growing concerns that aren't really going away. I workout with whoever comes to the training session that day. I have developed a rapport with one of the ladies and I really like her. But she along with the other individuals in the session are always more fit than I am. They complete the exercises better and faster. I'm always the last person to finish the exercise rotation and though no one says anything I know I am holding the group up. It's even gotten to the point where sometimes I have to skip an exercise just to catch up. This honestly makes me feel disabled and incompetent. It's frustrating because I at least want to be able to keep up with the rest of the group. Even though I get a "Good job Cyn" acknowledgement from my trainer I know I didn't do a good job and it's only a formality. 

**This is a prime example of how my students who are English Language Learners or need differentiated learning techniques must feel when they are working at a different pace than other students in the class who might not have their same struggle.**

After speaking about it with one of my friends she said, "Cyn, I think in this case you may be a bit insecure..." Aaaaaah! Not insecure! Insecurity is a tough pill for me to swallow because I understand thoroughly the importance of exuding confidence and hate that I would ever come across as insecure. Insecurity is just another weakness to add to a list of personal weaknesses I wish didn't exist. 

But there's another way to look at insecurity. To be totally secure in something, you have to work at it and prove to yourself that you are capable and comfortable enough to dwell in whatever it may be. Everyone is insecure about something whether they choose to admit it or not. It's a very personal thing. So while being confidently secure is important it's not a bad thing to have a few insecurities. Security is the direct result of growth through fortitude. You have to fight for it. 

I swear I am so sick of fighting for everything I want in my life...but if I don't do it who will?

WORKOUT THIS WEEK

I worked out this week with my trainer on Wednesday. Another day of feeling incompetent but c'est la vie. It's my goal next week to work out once everyday. Pray my strength saints.

FOOD INTAKE THIS WEEK

I enjoy apple slices and peanut butter way too much. Peanut butter is disrespectful to my low calorie diet! I stayed on course this week. I went a little over 1500 calories on Thursday due to a radical purchase of chocolate graham crackers. Yea, I don't know what I was thinking on that one. Gone are the nights of sitting on the couch in my drawls with a bottle of Simply Lemonade and a box of chocolate Teddy Grahams watching Netfilx. But I will tell you one thing I am over ground turkey every damn week! I'm eating like my dentures ain't come in yet from the orthodontist and I have to live my life as a toothless nomad. Jesus take the fork!

FAT Fortitude Diaries: A FAT Friend Service Announcement

Whether you want to admit it or not every girl has some sort of vision of what she'd like her wedding day to look like. As you get older and that day still has yet to arrive the visions are less frequent and in some cases null and void. Sometimes I'll randomly have these visions if I'm at a beautiful hotel or see the amazing floral arrangements that pop-up in my Instagram feed from Munaluchi Bride. Don't tell me ya'll single ladies don't follow any bridal pages. I want my ceremony to be elegant with hints of ratchet flair.

I'm wearing a gorgeous custom vintage gown as I walk down the aisle to the traditional Bridal Chorus by Wagner, but Metro Boomin' trapped the beat for me. That beat gets up in my bones which causes me and all of my bridesmaids to slightly slow twerk. You know that sitting pretty-lowkey-just-a-little-bit type of twerk?

Anyway, if I ever get married my wedding will be the event of the year. Says most single never been married (if not all) women in the world.

That's why when one of my best friends told me that her boyfriend had finally proposed I was ecstatic! She had been talking about her wedding day since we were in training bras. I eagerly told her I would help her with whatever she needed. A few months later when we checked in about the wedding and she already had things moving as I knew she would. She even had her bridal party chosen and I wasn't on the list.

Now, I know what you're thinking, how could one of your best friends not include you in their bridal party? I don't know ya'll but I legit was semi relieved because I knew I would have to dish out some major coins to get a bridesmaid's dress that fit me. Plus size bridal wear is not cheap. Hell, good plus size clothing in general is not cheap. So I sort of dodged a bank account bullet. But in the back of my mind I will admit I did have wonders. 

I talked about it with my Mommy who, can be brutality honest sometimes. Never to intentionally hurt me but to tell the truths that I may not be comfortable with. "You probably don't fit the look she wants for her wedding. You're too fat" she said calmly. Candid conversations about being fat have truly helped me not curl up and die from society's judgement of me. I agreed that she probably was right, Kanye shrugged, and went on about my day.

Fast forward to a year later today. The wedding is about a month away. I've already RSVP'd and am thoroughly content with being there for my friend and cheering her on from the sidelines. I got a call from my friend a few days ago asking if I could say something at her reception? You know the heartfelt speeches the Maid of Honor gives? She mentioned that her Maid of Honor didn't really know her that well and I did. As I do with all of my friends I agreed to support her and give the short speech. As she has supported me during my business ventures.

Here's the thing, I never really asked why I wasn't included in her bridal party? I honestly didn't feel the need to. So I don't know what her reason for not including me was. But I can't help to think about other fat women who have and will face similar situations like this one and on behalf of the fat friend across the world I do want to leave a special word for those out there who are planning their weddings and any other social event where you have to make a decision that just might exclude your fat friend please hear these words of fat wisdom...

Will everyone please raise your glasses?

• If you make a decision not to include your fat friend in a special event because they don't look a certain way...you're lame.
• If you don't have any fat friends...you're lame.
• If your wedding doesn't have at least one fat bridesmaid in it...you're lame. 
• If you do have fat friends and they are sitting in the audience on your special day because you want your wedding to look like a couture feed the children infomercial...you are beyond lame. 

May your union be blessed and have the longevity of the stars in the sky. Ashe.

WORKOUT THIS WEEK

I see fitness addicts who work out two and three times a day. So on Wednesday, I called myself trying to work out twice. I went to the pool and swam 10 laps and I also did 30 pull-ups in the water. Then later that day I went to work out for an hour with my trainer. When I tell you I felt like my body was being dragged 85 mph down I-95. I was wheezing and felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I knew I was crying but couldn't tell where my tears started and my sweat ended. It was all bad. I literally sat in the parking lot for 45 minutes after working out with Lucifer because I didn't have the energy to drive home. Then my trainer, Lucifer, had the absolute nerve to text me the next day like "see you at 4:30!" Are you kidding me? You just treated me like a Black work horse mining the cotton fields post the abolition of slavery yesterday! Like what? Nah bruh! I did however manage to get up and workout with him this morning at 7:00am.

FOOD INTAKE THIS WEEK

Food intake has been good. When I'm home all day it gets tricky because I tend to eat more. So I have to try and stay busy.

FAT Fortitude Diaries: Kaleidoscope Dreams

Along with my personal reflections I love to share my short stories and poems on my blog. This is my latest short story in the making, "Kaleidoscope Dreams." Let me know what you think.

__________

Morning.

8:30 AM she awakes naturally.

No alarm. 

She stares at the ceiling for awhile wondering if her dream angel is still lurking around?

She had fallen asleep in a weird position last night feeling a slight sharp pain in her neck. She stretches her body long and wide while yawning the stench sighs of her reality. 

The sound of her neighbor mowing the lawn actually soothes her. She has a thing for the smell of freshly cut grass in the morning. Indoors it was quiet, just the way she likes it so she can hear her thoughts. She interlocks her pedicured toes under her down feather comforter. She left the air on overnight and its a bit chilly just the way she likes it. Better cold than hot she thought.

She rolls over on her side to find her phone which had fallen on the floor. She scrolls through spam emails and the randomness of the inter webs. Nothing of importance. No missed calls. No good morning texts. She always wondered why she put so much faith in her cellphone which consistently disappointed her? 

She pops up, runs to the bathroom and steps on the scale hoping that something had changed from when she last weighed herself before she went to bed. It hadn't. She stepped off and then right back on. "Sometimes this thing doesn't work right" she whispered. This time the .8 following the digital confession of her weight had decreased to .4. She felt a subtle sense of relief. 

In the shower she always prayed. For her family. For her dreams. She even prayed for the ones she disliked or hurt her. She wanted to prove to GOD, and herself, that her heart was pure. And it was. 

Getting dressed was always a struggle. She tried her best to camouflage the fattest areas of her body. Hoping that people would see the young woman she was aiming to be not her weight. As usual she chose something black to wear. She had convinced herself that black was her favorite color. And though that was a possibility her dreams were however, in color. Bright and vibrant colored mosaics that made her smile. Why wouldn't she like any of the colors she dreamed?

She gathered her belongings and headed for the door. Her neighbor, Mr. Jimmy, had just finished mowing his long. When he saw her he put on his glasses to get a better look, flashed his dentures, and licked his lips as if he was about to eat a fresh piece of fried catfish hot out the grease. She always tried to keep conversations short with Mr. Jimmy because his frisky antics made her nervous.

"Morning Mr. Jimmy!" she said politely.

Mr. Jimmy didn't answer right away he was too busy gawking at her body.

"Ahhhh looking good there girl! You need your grass cut baby?" he said in a smooth and creepy way.

"No sir. Thank you though."

She got in her car and closed the door.

The way he said "You need your grass cut baby," while licking his lips and looking her up and down left her questioning which "grass" he meant? 

She pulled off with Mr. Jimmy watching her drive away.

She had nowhere really to go but wasn't interested in spending the day in the house. She didn't bother reaching out to her friends to see what they were up to. She was the only single one in her group of friends, so she knew everyone was busy doing whatever couples do on Saturdays. She was alone with her thoughts which sometimes went into over drive. Today she promised herself not to think so much and just be.

She ended up driving to the park. She loved the sound children playing in the park. Careless and free. She walked passed a group of guys playing basketball. One of the guys yelled, "Dayum look at her she big as shit!" She felt a thump in her chest. The other guys laughed in hysteria mumbling some other fat girl obscenities. She held her breath, turned around looking over her shoulder and gave them a look of disdaining death. The laughter quickly ceased. She walked to a bench and sat down letting out all the air she had held in. Panting and breathing heavily as tears rolled down her cheeks. 

She cried when she was angry. She was thankful that the anger always released as tears and she didn't become physical. She had come a long way. 

She sat on the bench in the park for hours. Occasionally looking at her phone to see if anyone had called or text "let's do lunch" or "want to go out for drinks?" They hadn't. 

The day had transitioned to evening. She drove home, plopped down on the couch, stared at the ceiling waiting for the dream angel to come. Hoping that one day her reality would be more fulfilling than her dreams.

FAT Fortitude Diaries: Yearning To Be A Carefree FAT Black Girl

The carefree Black girl is a force to be reckoned with.

The carefree FAT Black girl annihilates everyone or thing blocking her path. I'm talking a Hunger Games (no pun intended) annihilation. I'm talking Game of Thrones. I'm talking blow you up and keep on moving.

Ahhhhhh I yearn to be her. 

But a sista still has major hangups or insecurities if you will.

I could evaluate where they come from but thats just too much energy and I need what little bit of energy I have to work out today. But nevertheless these insecurities do exist.

Let's talk about this FAT girl in bikini wave. It's like a major thing. I was looking for a couple new one piece suits and they were few and far between. One piece suits in the plus size clothing industry is literally becoming extinct. I guess I will have to go to the beach in a pajama set because I ain't ready.

But I see these women walking around in their bikinis and having the time of their lives. Not giving a good kitty about their rolls being exposed to the universe. And I'm not talking about a basic bikini either. No-no-no. No-no-no. These bikinis are intricately designed. I'm talking jigsaw puzzle designs where your fat can play peek-a-boo. I am simply not ready. But I want to be. I yearn to be. I can't even find the courage to wear my arms out in public, except in that hotter than hell of a gym with my trainer.

It amazes me to see these beautiful FAT Black women walking down the street in sundresses with no type of support garments on underneath. Jiggling and wiggling down the Boulevard like "yitadee, what's the lunch move?" Girl, it must be jelly cuz jam don't shake like that! I wanna jiggle too but the way my mother set me up, I've been programmed to wear both underwear and shape wear underneath my clothes. Hell, I was still wearing slips to the club in college.

I want to be free!

A carefree FAT Black girl!

I want to go outside in the latest plus-size bikini, lay out on my lawn, head scarf on, no makeup, melanin pippin', smoking a FAT cigar, with a red solo cup of Hennessy, twisting my pedicured toes in the sun, mean muggin' the passerby's like my name is Big Bertha, and not give a F**K!

Is that too much to ask for?

WORKOUTS THIS WEEK
I'm heading to see my trainer today. Jesus be a respirator! I did work out with friends this weekend and I would much rather not ever do that again.

FOOD INTAKE THIS WEEK
I went on a mini vacation this week and I started out really strong. I ordered a salad at a Mexican restaurant that honey took major strength and constant prayer. But when you are the only person on the trip counting calories I couldn't hear GOD's voice over the heavenly smells. So I ate and drank and didn't count a thing. Pray my strength as I step on the scale and see the damage.

FAT Fortitude Diaries: Yell My Name One More Time Bruh!

Photo Credit: Gus Bennett

Twice a week, filled with anxiety and panic, I force myself to work out with my trainer. One of the many reasons I decided to get a trainer is because I needed a push that I know I couldn't give myself. Long are the days I go traipsing into Planet Fitness and spend 15 minutes on the treadmill and 30 minutes doing the green light red light circuit rotation only to find myself laid out on the massage bed for an hour. I wanted something a bit more challenging and Lord knows I found it.

Let me preface this by saying my trainer is cool. I like him. He has a really nice vibe. He encourages me not to repeat labels like "morbidly obese" or negative phrases like "I can't" or "I suck." I appreciate that about him. But you do know there are some nice-crazy people in the world right? And I strongly believe this man is the Treasurer of the Nice-Crazy Coalition.

He designs these workouts from the pits of hell.

Sprinting, jogging, jump-and-jacks, push-ups, push-ups on a tire, push-ups on the devil, suicides, squats, squats with leg raises, squatting while boxing, squatting while running, squatting while running with a 100 pound bar in your hands, squatting with your butt to the devil, stepping up on the stair master, jumping up on the stair master, jumping and stepping while squatting on the stair master,  jumping and stepping while squatting while holding weights in your hands on the stair master, planking, planking while facing the devil, planking with copious amounts of sweat running in your eyes, and planking while dying. Oh but don't die just yet because you have to do ab work.

Did I mention that this is all done in 90+ degree weather outside and the heat is on 90 degrees inside too? And I'm sure I left out some components of the work out because my brain has lost its ability to function because of them.

This is not the work of the Lord.

When we are in these rotations I literally lose all bodily function. My lungs collapse and I have seen the angels calling me home. Every time I stop to regain some sort of consciousness I hear, "Cyn! Do not stop! You stop you're going to have to do it again!" Listen, yell my name one more time bruh and I'm going to have to call on the spirit of David and knock the Goliath out of you! Leave me alone!

After working out I sit in my car in the parking lot of the devil's headquarters, not being able to drive off for another 30 minutes. I can't even cry at this point because my eye ducts are paralyzed.

Overall, however, I keep pushing myself to go and do the work that needs to be done. I have more energy and weight is beginning to sneak off and I'm grateful for my nice-crazy trainer.

WORKOUTS THIS WEEK
Yesterday, I voluntarily endured the craziness and I'm in pain right now so...ce la vie.

FOOD INTAKE THIS WEEK
So, Tuesday I decided against my better judgement to have pizza. Do you know how many calories are in pizza? It literally broke my heart. Couldn't cry though because of my eye duct disability from working out. I made up for having more than one slice of pizza on Tuesday by turning it around on Wednesday taking in only 1,070 calories for the day. Go me!