FAT Fortitude Diaries: Do You Remember Your First Kiss?

Photo Credit: AndreArt.com

Do you remember your first kiss?

I do.

When I was entering the 6th grade my parents uprooted me from my neighborhood public school, Bunker Hill Elementary School, to another school in Georgetown, Hardy Middle School. Those of you who know the DC area know that Georgetown (once an all Black neighborhood) is an upper class residential and business community. 

At the time I was a bit perturbed because I wanted to finish 6th grade at my neighborhood school with my neighborhood friends being a chubby little neighborhood girl. But my parents had other plans for my life, which I'm thankful for now. But my 6th grade understanding of life hated that I couldn't stay planted in what made me comfortable. I now had to travel way across town and get to know a whole new set of kids. Kids who were of an economic status I wasn't really familiar with. 

Long were the ice cream truck and corner store days after school. Hanging out with my Hardy Middle School friends after school meant Starbucks, Einstein Bagels, getting chocolates from Godiva, and random shopping trips "down Georgetown" as we used to say. 

By the time I got to the 8th grade I was in the full swing of things. I had lots of new friends and got invited to some very interesting house parties. I went to sleepovers at embassies and birthday parties in huge houses in gated communities. I liked boys but was still very much a little girl.

8th grade meant graduating from middle school and heading to high school.

And what's the best thing about graduation?

GRADUATION PARTIES!

I honestly can't remember who's party it was but my Mommy dropped me off at some very large house on a hill. My best friend at the time, Kristen, was with me. We were having fun. At some point all the kids ended up in the house's moderately sized sauna. 

Don't ask me how chile, I can't even remember.

I was sitting next to Kristen and this boy, Charles, came and sat in between us and put his arms around us. He took turns kissing Kristen and me. It was the most disgusting encounter I have ever experienced. The amount of saliva he produced in a matter of seconds had to be abnormal. To top it all off his underarms weren't agreeing with the heat the sauna was producing. Heavy drooling and underarm pit smell encompassed my entire first kiss experience. Covered in 8th grade hormonal sputum I quickly called my Mommy to pick me up.

Traumatizing.

At school the following Monday no one seemed weirded out except me. Charles was walking around being his normal self. Kristen didn't seem really phased either. 

At lunch Charles sat next to me and said: "You are a good kisser. If you lose a little bit of weight maybe we can be together in 9th grade." 

I replied: "No, that's ok." 

As I trudge on through with my fitness and weight goals I've had to really tap into what my motivation is. The young women I follow on social media who are losing weight and have lost weight all have different reasons for doing it. 

They want to run a 5K. 

They want to fit in a plane seat comfortably. 

They want to be around to see their children grow up. 

But surprisingly so many of them want love and feel the best way to get noticed is to be skinny. I honestly, can't even blame them for this decision. Society makes fat women feel like:

We aren't beautiful. 

We aren't desirable. 

We aren't capable of being the "token" girlfriend or wife. 

Society is conditioned to think this way. That's why a 13 year old with sloppy kisses and musty pits has the courage to tell another 13 year old to lose weight.

I learned at a very early age this type of treatment would be something I would have to face as a fat girl.

So as I made my decision on my motivation for wanting to get fit I decided to exclude society's opinions from my decision. I've decided to take full ownership over what I want. Getting fit so that someone will desire me relinquishes my journey from being solely mine. Whether I'm desirable to someone else is irrelevant because this journey is strictly about me.

My motivation is simple: I seek to optimize the fullest capacity of life while I can for as long as I can. I want to create artistic bodies of work and see the world and I need strength and energy to do it. So getting fit is the best anecdote and losing weight is an added bonus. Getting super skinny and getting a boo is not in my foreseen plans. Sorry.

WORKOUTS THIS WEEK

I worked out with my trainer on Saturday morning at 7:00 a.m. I must admit the early morning workouts are better. Working out in the morning gives me lots of energy to seize the day with. I see him again on Wednesday. Le sigh.

FOOD INTAKE THIS WEEK

I'm on track and staying within 1500 calories a day. I did have a burger and fries for my cheat meal on Friday and baby it was all types of good! I'm over turkey products ya'll. Help a sista out with ideas for other options.