Do you remember when you were 14? For me that was the beginning of my ninth grade year of high school. Mentally I was pretty much still a baby. Spoiled. Daddy's Girl. I went to school across town so I was catching the train and bus by myself to school. Cell phones were just starting to become popular and my mother bought me one "for emergencies only!" Hip Hop was alive. My favorite group at the time was the Lost Boyz, I knew "Renee" and "Love Peace and Nappiness" by heart, and had a slight crush on Mr. Cheeks. How? I couldn't tell you because the only Cd's my parents bought me were Toni Braxton, Boyz II Men, and of course any gospel Cd I wanted. On television I was in to shows like Dawson's Creek and Felicity. I was a regular 14 year old girl.This reminiscing session started a couple days ago on Twitter when #wheniwas14 was a trending topic. I was excited to mentally back track to my youth and recall all of the memories I could. As I remembered things I tweeted them. I even searched the trending topic to see what others had to say about their 14 year old days. I shortly realized that this trending topic was in direct relation to another trending topic: #AmberCole. Intrigued I read some tweets: "What the HELL was this hoe thinking? #AmberCole", "Crank dat #AmberCole" lmao", and "What's #AmberCole's Twitter name? Me and my mans trynna get on! lol" Confused I read on and discovered that Amber Cole is a 14 year old girl who was video taped performing fellatio on a boy (who remains nameless) outside, in the back of their school. The video was posted on Facebook and went viral causing an all out cyber bullying on social media outlets with this young lady's first and last name as the focal point.
I am extremely bothered on so many levels by this story that I am not really certain on where to begin. Many blogs and articles are blaming Amber's actions on the music, poor parenting, and television. I am strongly opposed to blaming music and television on the behavior of teenagers because this has been the excuse for decades and frankly its not a deciding factor on if a child is sexually active. I know for a fact when I was 14 girls were performing fellatio in the back of my school. Some came from two parent homes, some didn't. Some went to church, some didn't. Some made good grades, some didn't. Teenage sex isn't specific to the type of teen or their personal backgrounds. It just so happens that when I was 14, camera phones were non existent and the Internet was just making a name for itself. If you want to go back even further to my Mother's 14 year old days, girls had sex and got pregnant. This was way before Hip Hop and cell phones and television was considered a delicacy in many homes. There is something happening developmentally in these children that we are overlooking, not nurturing, and blaming everything/everyone else for what is ultimately a decision they end up making.
Parenting makes a strong difference in a child's life. However, "bad parenting" has always been a subjective term because there are no rules, guidelines, or instructions on how to be a parent. The "bad parent" and "good parent" labels are all opinion based. Yes, if a parent is inattentive its likely their child may live an inattentive lifestyle. However, because parents are proactive, supportive, and attentive does not mean their child will make the right decisions. Therefore blaming the children's parents isn't always correct.
My theory is this: Children are sexually intrigued at very young ages. That's why you may see 2 two year olds kissing in the sandbox or even an 18 month old intrigued by his "wee-wee". This seems to the natural order of things. The issue arises when we stop monitoring the children's developmental growth, and become silent about sex because we still see our now 14 year old as that two year old playing in the sandbox. Also, those raising male children feel like they have it easier and that spills over in the choices these young men are making. The young men are often celebrated with a pat on the back while the young women are demonized and ridiculed. This attitude has got to stop and both the male and the female need to be held accountable for their actions. Lastly, I have a problem with the way in which schools are structured during the course of the day that would give children leeway to sneak out and perform sexual acts while at school. But that my friends, requires a whole different blog post.
I feel humiliated for Amber and her parents. I am equally as humiliated for the young man, his parents, and his boys that taped it and posted it for the world to see. They all contributed unknowingly to the child pornography industry and that's gut wrenching. There's honestly nothing any of us can do to prevent every teenager from having sex but it doesn't mean we shouldn't try. Having a defeatist attitude is the same as condoning their actions. They do it because they think its OK and have no accountability. It's not OK! Its our responsibility as adults to help our youth make better decisions.
As I look at my God daughter asleep in her playpen, I say a prayer over her life so that she wont ever have to look back and regret the choices she makes when she becomes 14. I can't stand beside her for every choice she makes but I will live my life so that she has a positive example, I will be honest with her about sex, and I will grow with her so I don't mistakenly shelter her as the baby in the playpen.
Amber Cole is reality. Amber Cole is someones baby....Amber Cole could be your baby...we have to do more!
