THANK YOU GOD (for NOT giving me what I wanted)

Have you ever thanked GOD for not giving you what you wanted? Or at least what you thought you wanted?

I am at an age where my friends are starting to get married and have kids...or just having kids. Now, its normal for young adult women to feel the pressure of wanting to be married to their soulmate and have a family of their own.

I was in that place of pressure one day after work when I stopped at the Shoppers to get me a single serving of Friday's Spinach dip, Tostitos, Lemonade and pack of Drumstick ice cream bars and ran into a girl I went to high school with. She was pushing a shopping cart with an infant snuggled in a carrier with one hand and holding the hand of a 3 year old with the other.

"Hey Girl!!!" she exclaimed.

I hate seeing some people from High School! They ask the same questions and they are extra hype for no reason. Especially when you ain't like my ass to begin with. But that's another post for another day.

"Heeeeey" I replied. You know like in a dry, oh no GOD why me, that's what I get for coming down the candy aisle kind of way?

She went on to introduce me to her two kids as "Auntie Cynthia"...*side eye* then grabbed my hand to touch her stomach to feel the new biscuit a baking in her womb. She went on to say she was engaged and marrying the love of her life. After several kaw kaw and key keys, yelling at her 3 year old for running up and down the aisles, and my restless leg syndrome flair up she ran down her list of questions for me:

"You married?"
"Engaged?"
"Got kids?"
"Talk to anybody from high school?"

After I answered "No" to all of the above. She replied "Oh". You know like in a dry, Oh GOD this bitch lame, that's what I get for coming down the candy aisle kind of way?

She then said "Well, it was nice seeing you boo, take care of yourself..." and dragged her cart and clan down the aisle. I can't stand when people say "take care of yourself", UH DUH, thats what I've been doing!!! The squeaky wheels from the cart provided the perfect Minuet to accompany that awkward moment in time.

After I got home. I started thinking am I behind in life? I'm not married, I have no kids...am I riding the short bus of life? Well, this contemplating gave me a gust of energy and I started to look up all my exes on Facebook and Instagram. I wanted to see what they were up to, some Inspector Gadget snooping...I mean "research".

Now, I won't call any of them out because at one point and time I really wanted to be with them. Snotted and cried when the relationship didn't work, and contemplated "what if" many times over. Today, they all are well, healthy, and vibrant based on their posts on social networks.

As I conducted my research I found:

Ex #1: Married, clearly cheating on his wife, who is clearly supporting him because he's unemployed. Ex #2: Seemingly straight to the world but likes every half naked and naked pic of men on Instagram he can find.
Ex #3: Good government job but is stuck on "Every girl in the World Wants Me" Land
Ex #4: Church goer, holy, hallowed be thy name, holy ghost filled, Bible toting, weed head.

After I was done I immediately dropped to my knees and said: "THANK YOU GOD FOR NOT GIVING ME WHAT I THOUGHT I WANTED!!!!!!!"

Just because I am not married or squatted out some babies yet doesn't mean I am not blessed. It's just not my time and I most definitely want GOD to only give it to me if it's time!

And to the high school classmates whose questionnaire is always so narrow, here is an update on me:

BA degree (CHECK)
MA degree (CHECK)
Worked for YOUR POTUS (CHECK)
Traveled the world (CHECK)
Established a non profit (CHECK)
Employed (CHECK)
Blessed (CHECK)
HIGHLY FAVORED (CHECK)

If you need more I will email you my resume.

MORE: Evolving My Worship (A Song Review)

I've always wanted my blog to be diverse with the type of material I post. Hence the reason why my posts range from short stories, poetry, movie reviews and more. I haven't however written a review of any music. Which is kind of strange because music is a major part of my life. In today's post I want to switch it up a bit and review a song that I have had on repeat for the entire week: "More" by Lawrence Flowers & Intercession.

Gospel music to me is rhythmic accounts and testimony that chronicles how amazing God has been in your life and celebrates the love and adoration one has for Christ. I simply love Gospel music.

Oh the worshipper in me wants to be free/from the cares of life that seem to weigh me down/Yes the worshipper in me needs consistency/to lift my hands to give you praise when  no ones around.

The opening lyrics of the song "More" by Lawrence Flowers and Intercession spoke to me immediately. I grew up in a very old school, family oriented church. It wasn't uncommon for Sister Johnson to tell me to sit down even though she wasn't my Mother, and I listened because I knew my parents would not stand for me being disrespectful to an adult. As a child, I always had moments where my entire body wanted to jump up in worship because even as a child I knew how much I loved Jesus and was very aware of His presence in my life.

Oh the worshipper in me wants to break free/from the intellectual mentality/like when I should be up I'm seated in my seat/I should be lifting my hands, giving you praise, and glory.

I even recall one time during the children's choir rehearsal, I had to be about 12, I came up with these movements for the soprano section to do while we were singing. One of the choir's coordinators had a fit! Dancing in church? A big NO! Dancing at the time was considered to be too secular. I often felt stifled in my worship as a child. Children just didn't get up out of their seats and worship during this time. I desired more from my worship experience.

PROCLAMATION: I want to give my best to you/I want to do what you ask me to/I want to go wherever you say/Just say the word and I'll obey/I want to live a life that's real/I want to serve you Lord for real/Lord you deserve all this and more/so I give you...more

As time progressed, and I got older, churches around the world began to change. Churches began ministering through dance, surrendering their bodies as a living sacrifice as they worshipped God. Today, I am proud to have witnessed this change in the church I grew up in. I am equally as proud that I along with some of the ones I grew up with, who also desired more, fought for this change. With any change people are hesitant and don't understand, but they are slowly but surely becoming more accepting. Not only that our dances are touching people spiritually and have brought people to Christ and back to church.

Seeing God move in my life, my family, my church I want to give Him my very best. He deserves all I have to give and even then I would not have given enough to repay Him for what He has already done and will continue to do for me.

I have vowed to follow this PROCLAMATION: I want to give my best to you/I want to do what you ask me to/I want to go wherever you say/Just say the word and I'll obey/I want to live a life that's real/I want to serve you Lord for real/Lord you deserve all this and more/so I give you...more

You're deserving of MORE...I give you MORE...

God deserves more of my time, more of my trust, more of my service, more of my love, more of my prayers, more of my respect, more of a relationship, more of my adoration, more of my obedience, more of my service, more of my sacrifice, more of my worship. When I think about the goodness of Jesus and all He's done for me...He deserves more.

This song truly awakened a testimony in me.

I surrender all/I surrender all/all to Thee my blessed Savior/I surrender all.

The Anecdote to Betrayal

"Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him. Even so, I will defend my own ways before Him." (Job 13:15)

A story and lesson I feel is worth sharing:

I recently found myself face to face with someone from my past who thoroughly betrayed me and I strongly believe tried to sabotage the completion of Master's Degree. No this is not an opening to a Grisham novel, this is real life. Let me get you caught up without completely disclosing names, dates, or social security numbers.

In 2007 I was at the end of my tenure as a Master's Candidate and I was getting ready for my Master's Thesis defense. Everything dealing with the thesis process up until this point had been extremely smooth. I knew God had a plan for me to finish my degree and graduate on time because my other classmates were all having a tough time. A couple of weeks before my defense I got a call from one of my Professors asking me to meet her at the school. I get to her office and she tells me that a "friend" of mine complained that I was fraternizing inappropriately with undergraduates and had taken her to a party where she felt uncomfortable. My Professor told me to be careful who my "friends" are and focus on defending my thesis. Flabbergasted I had a whole heap of emotions. I felt betrayed, undermined, lied on, and wanted revenge. I never said anything to this "friend", I prayed, cut all ties and never spoke with her again, until recently when I was face to face with her.

Now, it is human nature to defend yourself against falsified accusations and defamation of character. Those of you who know me personally know that I take pride in and work hard at being a woman of moral character. Those of you who don't know me I will say this: The heffa lied on me.

My situation was unique in Graduate School because I went straight to Graduate School from Undergrad. So I was a young graduate student. My Undergraduate Institution was different than many because it didn't have a formal campus the city was its campus. So when I got to Graduate School I took full advantage of the typical college life that I missed in Undergrad. I pledged, went to parties, step shows, joined campus organizations, and made friends who were both undergraduate and graduate students. I was 23 years old and having the time of my life!

Now we all know our "friends" the ones who like to party and the ones don't. The judgmental "friend" and the down for whatever "friend". On the night of the party I was at  this "friend's" house. She was hosting a dinner party. When her party ended and everyone was leaving she started asking everyone where they were going? Hesitantly, I said I was going to my friend's birthday party. My "friend" said "can I come?" I told her, that she may not like it because it was an undergraduate party. I also warned her that my friend throwing the party is gay and she may be uncomfortable because she had expressed being uncomfortable around gays in the past. She still insisted on coming. So we went and she left within 5 minutes of being there. But then goes and complains about me? Something is not right!

OK now that you have the background info, let's fast forward. After years of not speaking to her I was faced with having to be around her in a social gathering of mutual friends. I honestly, tried to divert my attention to the unlimited mimosas but just being in her presence brought back that same feeling I had in the pit of my stomach the day I met with my Professor. I wanted answers or maybe I just wanted to take my hand and wring her neck...I'm not sure. But I prayed, the entire time I spoke to God. And every time I speak to Him He reveals himself in some way.

I listened to this girl talk about her life and I realized she's struggling with something much deeper than what she did to me. And what she did doesn't matter. I have my degree, I am successful, and my life is fulfilling. People are going to lie on you,"friends" will betray you, and you will be hurt because of it, however, realizing the blessing and the lesson through the hurt it is the anecdote. Besides, our version of betrayal is nothing to Jesus' story.

I choose the anecdote.

"The Audacity of a Ninja"

Long time no blog....yes, yes, I know. The urge to write is always there but I just haven't put forth an effort to capture and post my thoughts. There have been so many things disturbing my spirit for the past few months from the Trayvon Martin case, the questionable Stop Kony 2012 movement, the blatant disrespect these elected members of Congress have shown my POTUS, Mitt Romney's ever growing, gray side burns that are channeling the parasites in Ignorantville who are encouraging him to be the lead ignoramous, Global warming's clear mission to have us confusedly sweating during the winter months and burn us all to ashes this summer, and of course The Real Housewives of Atlanta acting like pure grass-fed, free-ranged, coonish hens in South Africa.

There's so much I could cover today but my thoughts have been consumed and I even lost sleep over one thing and one thing only...

Before I begin to dissect whats bothering me I do want to preface this post by saying I have been taught "to whom much is given, much is required." God's continuous blessings and favor over my life has been abundant. With these blessings and favor comes a responsibility. Now, its easy when the responsibility involves doing something for myself, or my family, but its when God places you in the uncomfortable situations smack dab in the middle of controversy and challenges you to live up to your responsibilities is when it can be difficult. You can lose friends and loved ones. Martin and Malcolm were killed living up to their responsibilities/callings. But when God says, "do it" in my life He stops everything until its done. So I had to get up early today and write this post. God has blessed me with so much artistic talent and this is the venue in which he uses me to live up to my responsibilities.

With all that being said I call this post "The Audacity of a Ninja".

I have made a conscious effort not to call Black folk the "N" word anymore. No matter how we camouflage the word as a term of endearment, add the "a" or "ah" to the end of it, or pop it for Daddy when we hear it on our favorite tune, it was once a word used to chastise my Grandmother and I'm sure when I walk into a room full of Wonder Bread they still whisper it under their breaths. So I have been really trying to reprogram myself to not say the word.

I now say ninja.

Ninja is a Japanese term. A ninja is a member of a feudal society, highly trained in martial arts, and is usually hired to sabotage or assassinate. Now, I know the question will be: "Well, are you saying Black people are always trying to sabotage something?" DING! DING! DING! 100 points for you Lacreesha! YES! Not all of us but a lot of us. The next question I'm sure is: "Well, why is this only specific to Black people? Don't other races of people sabotage things?" And to that I say, you are absolutely right TaeQuan, they do, but I'm not talking about them today I'm talking about you!

This crabs-in-a-barrel mentality is tearing up families, friendships, social groups, and churches. Ninjas conspire before seeing what transpires. From the most educated to the welfare Mom. Some parents are teaching it to their children. It is out of control and I can't figure out why. Why is it that we will tear each other down, but march and rally against people like Zimmerman while we are killing each other literally and figuratively? After decades of having to endure racism and degradation towards us from other races we turn around and do the same thing to one another.

What makes it worse are statements like these:

"Obama doesn't do anything for Black people!"
"As long as all my kids are born two years a part I'll always get a check!"
"Light-skin girls/guys are cuter."
"My babIES daddies aint shit!"
"I get high everyday all day."
"You got that nigger hair."
"You going to college, you bourgeoisie."
"Oh, no girl, I don't go on that side of town, they ghetto."

Need, I say more? STOP IT! RIGHT NOW! It's time for us to STOP IT NOW! No more ninja behavior. No more perpetuating stereotypes. We need to rise above whatever circumstance, neighborhood, job title, financial status or achievements and start respecting and supporting one another. If we disagree, do it respectfully. Stop buying the drugs and guns that are wiping out our communities. Stop moving to the suburbs and not giving back to our poorer communities. More importantly stop killing each other! There are too many issues we face as a race daily and I am tired of dealing with the same exact issues from people who look just like me.

STOP.