The Doorway Between Freedom & Forever

Slowly I walked into Forever.

Manipulated into thinking that love had no secrets.

I am all packed and ready to go.

Standing in the doorway between Freedom and Forever.

I become weak and my legs won't move.

My back is turned away from Forever and I am facing Freedom.

Forever calls me saying, "Don't leave me...Baby, I need you."

I turn around.

My face wet with the anxiety of my tears.

Forever holds out his hand.

"You forgot something Baby..." he says.

In his hand lies my heart....

I get frantic.

.:I thought I packed her:.

"GIVE HER BACK!"..."PLEASE!"

.:She's all I have:.

.:She's all of me:.

Forever kisses her and holds her tight.

"Don't worry baby, I got her, I got you, I love you, I'm so sorry..."

My legs once stationery move towards Forever.

.:I love you:.

.:I can't leave:.

I turn to face the door to Freedom.

She beckons for me to come forth.

She whispers: "Life is sweeter on the other side...just let go."

.:She has a point:.

.:"I can do bad all by myself":.

I look at my Forever with my heart in his hands...

I look at Freedom with promise in her hands...

My legs begin to move.

I walk slowly towards....

Who is she?

Me & you.

Together.

Weekend Getaway.

Royal Treatment.

Bed & Breakfast.

Overlooking a lake.

God's majesty.

Surrounded us.

We talked.

Laughed.

Fell in love.

All over again.

She sent a text.

You replied.

My heart drops.

Silence.

We talked.

We laughed.

We kiss.

Created memories.

Kiss interuppted.

She sends a text.

You reply.

My heart drops.

Silence.

I know her.

I saw her.

I read her text.

She's been written about.

"Friend".

Supposedly.

She got her own plans.

Am I jealous?

Or is it intuition?

Can't hold my peace.

Baby, who is she?

My friend babe.

Nothing more.

Are you cheating?

No. Baby.

I love you.

Only you.

My heart drops.

Silence.

I saw her hug you.

I saw how she looked at you.

I saw...

I see.

You love me.

Only me...?

She sends a text.

Silence interrupted.

You...

You...

Reply.

My heart stopped.

Bliss. Father's Day.

bliss [blis]

-noun

1. supreme happiness; utter joy or contentment: wedded bliss.

2. Theology. the joy of heaven.

3. heaven; paradise: the road to eternal bliss.

4. Archaic. a cause of great joy or happiness.

Bliss: A place I yearn to dwell.

.:Does bliss really exist?:.

The human spirit and flesh are weak. We all are walking around seeking bliss in other humans. This way of life is extremely moronic but very real nonetheless. We build relationships hoping that bliss will manifest and engulf itself throughout our lives.

Being alone or lonely is not an option...

"I love you": Three words that can ultimately send you to a blissful stratosphere. You get this feeling of completion followed by a seemingly undying urge to give of yourself without ceasing. Your entire being is wrapped up in the essence of your lover. You trust them, surrender to them, and devote your life to them. As long as they tell you "I love you" that's enough...right?

"SWA Flight 2232 to Baltimore, BWI your flight is delayed. Your expected departure time is now 9:00 pm. We do apologize. Feel free to walk around but make sure you are back at the terminal by 8:30 pm. Relax ladies and gentleman this could be a long night."

Great. Just great. Its Father's Day, June 20, 2010. I am stuck in the airport freezing and trying to find the right words to express my frustration on my voyage to live my life in utter bliss. Happiness is a high priority for me because I have been so unhappy for so long. I'm holding on to things that I probably will never quite get over. To top it all off it's Father's Day and my Father is dead. I am walking around with an indescribable pain in my chest every single day.

I have never stopped leaning on Jesus for comfort and peace, but I will admit I've turned to friendships and my relationship to fill my void and they haven't. A few happy moments aren't substitutes for blissless nights.

What can be said? What can be done?

bliss: Theology only. a non tangible, segregated occurrence.

It happens for some. Just not me.

"What a caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly" Part III--The Bucket List

"What a caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly" Part III--The Bucket List.

This is it.

The day before my date of birth.

Before I transition into year 27 I want to set clear and concise goals for myself.

My personal "Bucket List (27)".

"A vision without a plan is an hallucination" and I don't want to ever walk around life without actively seeking out my vision. So my bucket list will be comprised of things I will complete before I am 28.


Here we go:

GRANT WRITING: I will focus more on finding funding for SoulFly Theatre Society in order to pursue projects that I have waiting on the back burner.

MOVE: I will move. Preferably to a different state. If not, I will move out on my own.

HEALTH: I will continue to make my health a priority. I will continue to exercise regularly and eat wisely. I don't want to be a size two but I do want to be physically fit in the size I am supposed to be.

THEATRE: I will act in or direct at least one play.

TRAVEL: I will travel to Italy or Egypt.

LOVE: I will kiss under fireworks and slow dance under the stars and/or in the rain with my love.

FAMILY: I will spend more time with my father's side of the family.

ADVENTURE: I will sky dive and explore living in "The Bush".

Good bye 26. Many would consider this the end of a great year of life. Many would say I'm getting old. I say: "What a caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly." It's not the end but merely the beginning. I have been running for years, now it's time for me to finally lift off the ground and FLY! I'm ready to conquer this small world so I can move on to the conquering the galaxy.

Pray for me.

"What a caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly" Part II--The Release

"What a caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly" Part II it is time to release and let go. The countdown has begun and I only have two days before my birthday. I don't want to enter into 27 carrying with me painful memories or harboring any ill will towards people or situations.

When you are walking around with a hard heart it can consume your being and you aren't fully able to surrender your heart to God. This post is therapeutic and personal for me...I have to let things go. I must let things go. I am throwing the anger, pain, and embarrassing moments out into the universe with the hopes she will send her positive energy, love, and comfort back to me...

Here we go:

• When I was little I came across a letter my grandmother wrote to my mother stating that she didn't want any fat grandchildren. From that day on I resented her. Never really wanted to build a relationship with her. Until this day I would rather stay at home if my Mom is visiting her. She is old now and time is of essence. I am letting go so that I can love her during the time we both have left on this earth.

• I sincerely have hate in my heart towards a man in my church. He has said some very disrespectful things about my parents. He once said to me: "that's why your father's dead". Many say hate is a strong word. When you actually feel it in your heart it feels like you are on fire. I have come to the conclusion that hate is the closest emotion to the devil. I don't ever want to have anything in common with the devil, so I am letting this go.

• I was angry at my father for dying. I felt like he gave up on himself and us. When the doctor's were telling him what they could do he refused to do what he was told. He even checked himself out of the hospital. How could he do that? Why wouldn't he fight for his children, who now have to spend the rest of their days father-less? I release this anger. I know he was tired and I know he is in a place where he can rest.

• I don't like how two of my aunts speak to my mother. It bothers my soul. Telling her to do this and pay that. How dare you speak to her like that? I also don't like how my aunt speaks to me. It causes me to be disrespectful and have an attitude in her presence. I say goodbye to being on defense mode with my family. I say goodbye to the feeling of not even wanting to claim them as my family.

• My first love...I think this man scared me for life. He was a pathological liar and caused me to have series trust issues. I let go of you and the damage you caused in my adolescent heart. I remove those walls I put up so people like you couldn't hurt me again. I open my heart again...

• My nay-sayers, haters, and fake friends...Just to appear strong many people say "feel free to hate on me." I can personally attest to situations I have been in where things said and done to me by this particular group of people has affected me mentally and emotionally. As a result I find myself wanting to avoid social situations for fear of humiliation. Confidence can be used as a facade to mask insecurity. I know I am not the only person with this issue, but I am releasing it. No more covering up and hiding. No more wanting revenge. No more allowing the real me to become muted.

There are some experiences that I just couldn't bring myself to type. I release you as well. You no longer have me bound.

I am almost ready to enter into year 27 with a clear head and a plan to attain the vision I have for my life...

Stay Tuned for Part III...

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly." Part I--The Favor List

Today's post is part one of a three part epilogue entitled: "What a caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly (Quote by Richard Bach)."

My birthday is in three days. An ending of my 26th year of life. Its extremely hard for me to watch my 20's slipping by. I will be 27. WOOF!...

.:I long for my undergraduate days in Chicago. No care in the world. Free in the heartbeat of the Windy City:.

I have no regrets. I probably have done more in 27 years of living than many people will ever do. I am grateful. Immensely grateful. God's favor over my life is infectious.

So, today I am composing my first Favor List. The Favor List is a list of significant accomplishments I have made throughout my life. You have to acknowledge where you have been to get where you are going.

Here we go:

• High School graduate.


• Graduated with honors from Columbia College Chicago with a B.A.


• Graduated with honors from Syracuse University with a M.A.


• One of two to graduate first from my program at Syracuse University.


• Started my own Theatre Company, Soulfly Theatre Society.


• Directed a successful fundraising production of The Vagina Monologues.


• Pledged Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc.


• Worked for President Barack Obama when he was a Senator.


• Worked for Senator Roland W. Burris (the only Black Senator in the Senate).


• Traveled to South Africa.


• Traveled to Senegal.


• Traveled to The Gambia.


• Traveled to Paris, France.


• Traveled to London, England.


• Traveled to Iceland.


• Served homeless women for 2 years at Deborah's Place.


• Served inner city youth through Family Matters of Greater Washington's Camp Moss Hollow.


• Acted in several plays.


• Won several oratorical contests.


• Choreographer for Divine Order Adult Dance Ministry.

I've done a lot in such a short time. I love the woman I am and the woman I will become. Thank you God for these blessings. I love the Master for he has placed his hand over my life. My possibilities are endless. My faith will never die. Looking up with a prayerful heart and open arms for whatever is next...

Stay tuned for Part II...

Speak Life

There once was a little girl, around 4 years old. She was on her way to see her grandmother in Pittburgh, PA. While her mother drove, the little girl talked to her mother for four and half hours straight. No breaks. She never even went to sleep. All the way from Washington, DC to Pittsburgh, PA the little girl talked, and talked, and talked...

Speak Life.

I desire communication. Close talk.

I often fantasize about addressing a Joint Session of Congress, speaking with dignitaries on U.S. Foreign Policy, and having a scholarly debate with great minds like Henry Louis Gates over a cup of Starbucks Coffee and a Cohiba cigar.

All eyes and ears alert as I give a lecture at Harvard University on the impact Langston Hughes, James Baldwin, and Countee Cullen had on American Literature even though they were treated less than American.

I want to speak of African liberation to liberate the African-American.

I want to stand in front of the Sphinx, fall to my knees, shout to God in each Afroasiatic language: "Thank you God, I love you God, you are most Holy God, I praise your name God, you are majestic in all your infinite power!"

These are my thoughts, my dreams, my inner most desires. I bury them inside because that's where they remain protected.

My pen has become my voice.

She's the only one who listens. She's the only one who'll never pass judgment. She gives me security. You never have to see my face and I never have to face my fears...

What happened to that 4 year old girl on the way to see her grandmother in Pittsburgh? So open and free. Spoke her mind. Unrelenting. Spoke life into her dreams...what happened to...ME?