To The FAT Bridesmaid

For awhile now I’ve been talking about being a bridesmaid in one of my closest friends, Ashley’s wedding. I even hash tagged  #Fatbridesmaid on a few posts leading up to her special day. I’ve never been a bridesmaid before so when Ashley "proposed" to me along with a few other ladies I wept like Jesus. It was truly an honor. With pretty much anything I commit to, I was really serious about following through with my responsibilities as a bridesmaid. "You too serious," my Mommy told me one day. It was important to me to gift back the love, friendship, and support Ashley has given me throughout the 18 years of knowing her. It also humbled me into a state of reflection of how I feel about and treat myself. Being a Black woman in the world brings so many challenges. Add being FAT to the Black woman’s load and those challenges triple. So, I spent much of my time internally worrying about those challenges. Yes, sometimes my anxiety knows no boundaries.Weddings are inherently aesthetically beautiful. If you don’t know anything else about my friend Ashley, I need you to over stand that if aesthetic had a picture next to it in the dictionary, her high fashion magazine spread would take its rightful place next to it. 

But how would I find a place in this aesthetic? 

Of course my insecurities about my weight surfaced. I questioned myself everyday. And everyday I countered it telling myself we (Gemini) can’t live the rest of our lives sunken in self doubt. We’ve got to live! So I dragged my self doubting ass to every bridesmaid meeting, meetup, preparation. When the bridesmaid dress was chosen I worried about bridal/evening wear running the race from China and not fitting me and I’d be embarrassed. The bridesmaid's robes too. But I ran the Black FAT woman race with diligence and speed. I called a plus size bridal boutique, Curvaceous Couture,  poured my dilemma into the lap of the woman on the phone who said, "you are already winning baby, everybody isn't as forward thinking with the big girl struggle and end up panicking day of." She pointed me in the direction of Maria at Anytime Alterations. Maria handled me and that dress with care. I Jesus wept again at my final fitting. The dress fit and I didn't have to wear a bra! For the bridesmaids robes I bought silk undergarments and demanded my inner self to push through no matter what. For the rehearsal dinner my dress was too big! Like what? When does that ever happen? The shit was falling off of me. And listen, I've been in quarantine not letting up on the snacks so I know I didn't lose that much weight. UGH!

The day of the wedding I walked internally panicking but externally proud down the aisle. Back was killing me and mask smothering me but for 20 minutes I stood by a woman who has stood with and up for me when I needed her.

I was proud.

The groom, Kareem, pulled me to the side, put his arm around me and said, "Cindi, you are one of the most genuine people I have ever met." 

When he let go...

You guessed it...

I went to the bathroom and Jesus wept!

Knowing that who I want to be in this world is understood by those I encounter matters to me so much.

In the midst of it all I walk away from this experience having made bonds with lots of the other women in Ashley’s life. I was named honorary line sister of Delta Chi Spring ‘05. 🤣 Bonds formed in love and not trauma tend to last forever and I’m so happy I met such an amazing group of women.

Ashley’s wedding was indeed the event of the year. Everyone knows 2020 wasn’t "hittin' on nuffin'" but the Hendricks Love Story has proven it can withstand anything even a pandemic.

Thank you my Ashy for allowing me to be a part of your special day and seeing the aesthetic in me when I didn’t quite see it myself.

I love you forever Mrs. Hendricks.

To the FAT Bridesmaid my only advice is not to cave to the limits you place on yourself. You can do it all.