2020: May Your Joys Exceed Your Expectations

& here we are...

entering a new year. 

I've noticed every year people post to social media about how bad the year was for them. Those posts always make me sad. This confession that out of 365 days, there are more moments that bought them angst than joy is heartbreaking. We all live with the hope that our lives honor our best selves. Life will inevitably bring hard times, trust me I know, but in honoring your best self life will gift moments of joy both old and new. These joys have a right to be apart of the cover art to your biography.

2019 for me did just that. She brought me joys both old and new.

• I finished the first stage of a documentary I’m working on. 
• I traveled to Ghana with my family to celebrate my Nana’s 90th birthday. 
• A poem I wrote was apart of #50in50 and was performed in NYC and LA by award winning actresses. 
• My film, Critical Missing, made its way through a few film festivals and showcases. 
• I found an amazing grant writer who helped me conceptualize all these dreams and goals I have into a wonderful portfolio. As a result, I was awarded 3 grants that will help fund some of my 2020 artistic efforts. 
• I was given the opportunity to be apart of an AD fellowship and got to witness first hand the ins and outs of how a professional theater and show runs. 
• I strengthened both old and new friendships which I am really happy about. 
• I still am a full time God Mommy during the week and I’m really proud of myself for forging through a very hard yet extremely rewarding responsibility. 
• The latter half of the year I completed a Ph.D application and I’m excited about the possibilities of this program. 
• I was asked to be one of my closest friend’s bridesmaid. That meant more to me than she’ll ever know. I’m so happy to support and pray with her on her marriage journey.
• I got to perform at the Kennedy Center. Such a big deal to me. 
• My students, colleagues, and parents nominated me for the Excellence in Theater Education Tony Award. I didn’t win but ya girl can add Tony-nominated to her resume.
• I was nominated for a Kennedy Center award by someone I adore. I hope I get it!

There were of course moments in 2019 that I like to say, “grew me.” 

• You know the quote, “when people show you who they are believe them?” Well confession, I rarely do and that’s something that grew me this year. I found myself this year overlooking signs that people didn’t have my best interest at heart but I chose me and discontinued those relationships immediately. 
• I also learned first hand that a lot of doctors can not serve Black women, especially those of us who are "overweight." It’s a scary thought for sure, but I am more aware of it and have taken my health related issues serious enough to research before speaking and finding homeopathic solutions. 
• I learned that I allowed myself to feel inadequacies in introversion. Society is more receptive to extroversion and when my therapist at the time challenged me to activate that side of me more I took it seriously. But it wasn’t helpful. I’ve grown to understand that introversion doesn’t mean you are inadequate or deficient. I’m more than capable to do the things I want to do in life and I don’t have to do a 180 to mirror that of societal norms. If someone wants to date me, go out, build a friendship with me that will happen naturally whether I’m introverted or not. Being who I am is a benefit not a deficit.

As always I have so many goals for 2020. But in living so long I realize that my goals often fall short of the big plans God has for my life. For instance I’ll say, I want the opportunity to direct professionally and God will put a whole fellowship in my lap with financial remuneration. So I’m not going to announce new goals for the new year. I’m just going to continue to pray, practice patience, work hard and watch God move. I know she got me!

Happy New Year everyone. I pray that your joys in 2020 exceeds your expectations.

With all my love,

Creme

The Friendship Soapbox

A Hand to Hold by Shelby McQuilkin

I came across this post on Twitter that read:

"Losing a trusted friend hurts me more than losing a man. I expect my true friendships to outlive all my relationships cuz these [n-word] may be for everybody but b*tch you were supposed to be for me!!!" -@DontWorryBoutB

I’ve been thinking about friendship a lot lately mainly because my goddaughter brings it up a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean more than my already crowded brain has room for. She’s 9, so her idea of friendship is continuing to evolve. However, one thing that admittedly worries me is how she gravitates towards building friendships with kids who don’t like her, treat her unkindly, or put their hands on her inappropriately etc. It boils my blood that on Monday Lil Peanut punched her in her stomach but by Friday my goddaughter is like, “Lil Peanut is my best friend! Can we have a play date?” Internally I’m like, “Hell no! Lil Peanut can go kicks rocks!” I sometimes find myself unable to contain my inner thoughts during her friendship soapbox spiel. My anxiety chile, forces me to blurt out, “THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS GIRL!” She in turn looks at me for a moment in shock with a face of wonder. Looks like she's thinking, "what's wrong with God Mommy?" But in a matter of minutes she chalks up to me having issues and is back up on her soapbox preaching about her non friendships! Evidently our many inquiry-based conversations on what friendship is and is not hasn’t yet sunk in to her already crowded, yet can’t quite process brain. 

So when I came across this tweet I did a double take. 9 year olds grow up to be 39 year olds who still have the same struggles with friendships when they were 9. Which means friendships along with empathy are social skills that need to be actively taught. As if parents and teachers don’t already have enough to do right? Trust me I know.

The sad reality is that as adults, many of us mount our soapboxes too with common sentiments like, “I keep my circle small,” “I can count all my real friends on one hand,” or “No new friends.”

Growing up I resulted to introversion as a coping mechanism to avoid friendship trauma. That very mechanism has transcended into my adult years. I’m strategic about what I share and whom I share with. I shut down and disappear at the mere scent of mess or drama. I’m mess intolerant. But that causes me to see the world and the people in it through a stained glass lens. A beautiful rigid lack of clarity. As an adult I fall under the category of people who say, “I keep my circle small.”  Evaluating the why has been a hard yet necessary journey because teaching true friendship and empathy to my goddaughter without tainting what’s left of her innocence is extremely important to me.

The common misconception about building a strong friendship is that you have to “show yourself friendly.” We all are different and the way in which we communicate and treat people is different. Your definition of a friend(ly) could be totally different from someone else’s. I’ve gotten my feelings hurt numerous times thinking my act of friendship would be reciprocated in my time of need and it was not. I realized later that it wasn’t reciprocated because I was acting on what my perception and expectation of what true friendship is. I say all the time expectation without discussion will make an ass out of you. And just because I may not have the same perception of friendship as someone else doesn’t make either perceptions wrong. This is why I’d argue that the key to building a strong friendship is being clear with friends on what you feel friendship is and is not. Not just from a surface level either. For example saying, “friendship is support” is surface level because support too looks different to people. 

I think it’s also ok to recognize when compatibility in friendship isn’t working and to bow out gracefully. This is where this Tweet stings a bit because I have held on to people I deemed as friends for a long time even when I knew we weren’t meant to be friends. This is a trait I see in my 9 year old goddaughter. Ending friendships, especially ones you’ve had for years, is a different type of hurt. But in most, not all, cases the ending is a necessary bridge to wellness. A well person receives and gives the love in friendship from a whole and empathetic place. 

Empathy is the driving force in a true friendship. 

I think I’ll write how empowering yet bazaar it is to be an empath in another blog post...

Having a connection of understanding and shared feelings with another person will guide you to being a better friend and human being. I’m at an age where my friends are chasing dreams and trying to be exemplary contributors to society. We see each other on occasion and we stay locked in via text messages. But there are pockets of time we don’t see each other and the group thread or independent texts are silent. Empathy has driven me even in silence to check-in because I felt something was going on. Every single time, I kid you not, my independent friends were going through life altering and challenging things they had not had the time to share or encouragement from a simple, “are you ok” inquisition. Empathy requires the ability to see and feel beyond yourself and align with others. 

I’m not truly sure how to get my goddaughter to a place where she can develop a holistic approach to friendship and I know it could take years as it’s taken me. But she deserves to blossom into a 39 year old who doesn’t have to endure the fickleness of 9 year old friendships. Everyone deserves that. 

So I guess adults need a friendship and empathy social skills class too.

I Write

Art by Aaron Griffin

I’m not angry

I’m just tired

So I write to gain some sort of resolve 

Internally

Cuz externally this space we live in

The hyphen between birth and death

What we inherently label life 

Couldn't be life, could it? 

Cuz we ain’t living

It’s a civil war 

Physically and spiritually

A game of Four Corners

In that corner the "Socially Accepted"

In the other corner the "Politically Correct" 

Over there the "Religiously Programmed"

And right there the "On Trend Buzz Word Bullies"

The rest of us 

Very few of us

Are left alone in a room full of people

Chameleon'd into believing 

This is just the world we live in

I’m not confused

Just voided of scope

So I write with hopes

That my words 

Help regain peace 

With a glimpse of optimism 

At the very least 

I wish the fluidity of empathy and respect was pushed just as hard as war heroes push sexuality.

I wish we could listen more than we talk 

So our plans are effective enough to activate

. 

I wish we would put sanctions on history repeating itself

I wish we’d learn to tap into our own humanity

So we are able to see the humanity in others

I wish we knew how to individually control and govern ourselves 

So we can stop surrendering to ego that yearns to control and govern others 

I wish I didn’t have to spend my days wishing for shit...

That I honestly don't believe ain’t going to ever really happen.

I’m not hopeless

I’m just dejected

So I write a prayer of healing

Knowing that with each prayer is a call to action

I pray for a world affirming that GOD controls this space in time

I pray for a removing of idle sit backs

set backs

back tracks

I pray for a move into a new mindset 

A kindred virtue

I pray for a move towards explicit healing 

Ourselves 

Our families

So we don't continue to ferment the toxicity

That poisons generations

Alone in a room full of people

I write

Tired

I write

Void of scope 

I write

Dejected

I write

Prayerfully

I write

I write knowing 

This is my contribution to revolution 

To The Nova Bordelon's of The World

Photo: Skip Bolen (Warner Brothers Entertainment, Inc./ Courtesy of OWN)

I was late getting into the newest season of OWN Network's Queen Sugar. The internet seemed to be up in arms discussing the one and only Nova Bordelon, who actress Rutina Wesley says is an "exhausting" character to play. In a Vulture interview Wesley states, “I feel a lot of pressure being Nova. Her messiness, which I love, is exhausting. Sometimes I want her to just be quiet and have a stable moment and keep her feet grounded. But it’s also fun because she’s very active in me. She activates me. I love that she’s unpredictable. I love the mess that is Nova because you never know where she’s going to go.” Well I'm all caught up on this season so far and had to write my peace on the ever growing debate surrounding Ms. Nova. 

As you may know (or not), this season of Queen Sugar starts with the release of Nova’s new memoir Blessings and Blood. The New York Times has given it a stellar review, Nova is press package ready, tour dates are set, her manager and PR team are gassing her, and she's proudly taking her moment in scintillating ethereally like African goddess Mawu.  Blessings and Blood tells the story of Nova’s life as she sees it. Her story, as she sees it, is incomplete without telling the stories of her family members. Stories that have remained barricaded. Secrets. Though this should be a celebratory time for Nova her anxiety is at an all time high. Nova Bordelon wrote this memoir, pitched, shopped, and had it published without consulting with her family. Knowing that her family's very private information would be shared publicly in a matter of weeks, Nova inadvertently slid her manuscript on her family member's desks while they were busy, went home, and waited for their reactions. Whether you watch the show or not you can predict that her family's reactions were far from pretty. What is Nova’s end goal? Why would she do this to her family? These are fair questions. Nova's goal through her writing was to invoke healing in her family and families around the world bounded in shame by their secrets. 

The internet, much like Nova's family but without a filter, has virtually condemned Nova and has sided with her family’s ostracism. As I read through many of the comments I couldn’t help but think about Nova’s place in the real world. Though Nova Bordelon is a fictional character she resides in a very real realm of human psyche today especially in writers who write to heal. What does this virtual lapidation mean for them...for us? I see a lot of Nova in myself. 

Though Nova’s intentions are pure in heart I do agree writing a memoir that shares her family’s secrets without their knowledge was indeed the messiness Wesley described her Vulture interview. As a writer who writes to heal I have written several pieces some of which I share publicly (many I do not) that upset people. Writing and bearing stories can heal the bearer. Reading and discussing those stories can heal the masses. So I understand Nova’s passion and have experienced her urge to regurgitate truth on paper. To those of us who have an ounce of Nova within it is imperative to remember that mass healing can not happen until you yourself are healed. That’s Nova’s truth. She wrote the memoir to heal others but has yet to heal herself. Now she's invoked another layer of trauma onto  herself and her family. 

Nova’s Aunt Vi said in an episode that every secret in a dark corner doesn’t need light. I’ve been wrestling with that sentiment because secrets like some plants can still grow in darkness. Many families hold on to secrets not realizing that that hold can be as detrimental to a family as genocide is to nations. Especially in the Black family. Secrets don't remain isolated in a moment in time they transcend generations. Secrets do indeed grow in darkness. I think the Novas of the world have a responsibility to heal their families. We also have the responsibility to bear the internal light until the family has begun healing and is open to external elements. However, we can't bear internal light from contaminated distortion. 

I am very intrigued on where Nova Bordelon’s role in the Queen Sugar saga will take us as viewers. Queen Sugar itself is dark in emotional drama and could use more elements of joy in its characters. But I as a viewer find joy in seeing my likeness on screen through powerful episodic content. 

To the Nova Bordelon's of the world: continue to empathetically be the light you seek. 

ON WHAT: An Ode to June

Jacob Lawrence, Summer Street Scene in Harlem (1948)

When I was in college my ex used to say, "on what" in response to almost everything. I guess you can add that to the ever growing list of midwestern colloquialisms...Black midwestern colloquialisms. It annoyed me as a DC girl that it was used so much in conversation. The more I think about it though, its very similar to our "aight moe," "you loafin'/lunchin', or "you gassin'." In layman's terms it simply means "really," "wow," "oh-em-gee," or "you're lying/playing." It all depends on the inflection or lack there of in the speakers voice.

As I wrap up June, my birth month, the end of the school year, start of summer break, and only about 7 more months till 2020 I find myself thinking: "ON WHAT!" My inflection varies too depending on which part of the month or occurrences during the month that I'm talking about.

June: surprises in heat/
kids running free/ 

corner store/jumbo popsicle and seeds/

big gold hoops/

halter tops/

pedicured feet/

say goodbye to spring's flings/

and hello to summer’s crazy nights/

cookouts/ pool parties/block parties

walks on the beach/

watching the rays of the sun

reach their peak/

daylight actually saves time/time to relax/

time to sweat/time to turn the AC on/time to reset/

less clothes/less constraint/

jazz in the park/movies after dark/

top down/music loud/

fahrenheit/riding on the back of your boo's bike/

corn rows/nice and neat/ brothers yellin’ “aye bay bay”

from their tinted Impala windows/

leaned back seat

June: gemini/

wishes/kisses/

watermelon cocktails/

getaways/runaways

freedom/full bloom

happiness/memories/

so much love/

ON WHAT June/leaving so soon?/ 

don't go/ 
please/

only you can mend the friction between earth

and moon