To the Black Millennial Parent/Guardian: Let's Raise A Healed Generation

One thing I have been actively working to do is not transfer my traumas onto people close to me. It’s a constant uphill battle because even through healing there are scars that affect how you move in the world. I think it is crucial for me as an educator and a godmother who is actively helping to raise my oldest goddaughter, to be well enough to manage triggers internally and externally, and to communicate when I am not ok. I am not perfect but have gotten so much better at this. 

My oldest goddaughter, Ladybug, came to live with me full time when she started 3rd grade. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing so we were actually figuring out this new arrangement together. I was used to being an "award winning god mommy." I'd pick her up almost every weekend, we'd have epic sleepovers, we'd go shopping, go on trips, plan fun activities, and even became Michelin-star foodies trying out the top restaurants around the city. My other two god kids live out of state but when I fly in to see them I  bring that same "award winning god mommy" energy. I always come bearing gifts and ready for a fun time. It's the perfect situation! But see, that's technically not all a god parent is supposed to do. Our responsibility should be to step up as a support when the child's parent(s) cannot for whatever reason. Ladybug moved in because I decided to support her and her Mom in that season with what we all thought they needed. When Ladybug moved in I had to transition quickly into what I call "quasi-god mommy." I had to become a disciplinarian, a tight scheduler, a routine builder, an investigator, an education advocator, and a clear decision maker.  I didn’t like "quasi-god mommy" at all. I can't imagine Ladybug did either but she adjusted. "Quasi-god mommy" was all work no play. "Award winning god mommy" is more my style. I liked who I was when I was her. 

I learned a lot about myself and Ladybug during those years. I explicitly saw my triggers surface a lot. Triggers that I tend to think magically disappear. Although, I am currently looking for a new therapist, my past journey with therapy has helped me to process and synthesize my triggers and their origins. In undergrad, I started to periodically have panic attacks not having enough knowledge about them to identify that that's what they were. In 2015, I would have panic attacks so frequently that I dragged myself to my primary care physician begging for help. Of course doctors want to drop antidepressants in your system faster than Jamaica's Women's Olympic Track Team. I didn’t want to go down that path. I have since talked to a lot of people who are grateful for their prescribed antidepressant options and I am grateful to be a bit more educated about them. Seeing my apprehensiveness about them however, my doctor introduced me to  DC’s Medical Cannabis Program. It has definitely changed my life. I was brought up heavy in church so cannabis was a "no-no" throughout my life. As I’ve taken classes and learned more about the health benefits and of the cannabis plant I realize it is such a powerful flower that nature has gifted us. My panic attacks these days are few and far between thanks to finding what works for me. It's important as we begin doing the work to raise a healed generation that we educate ourselves on what is ailing us, dive into the science behind it, and really research the options we have to help us beyond therapy, prayer, and/or home remedies. Over 7 million African Americans in the U.S. alone have reportedly suffered from some sort of mental illness. Of the different types of mental illnesses, anxiety and depression has become an endemic in the Black community however, it doesn't have to stay that way.

I think it’s important to be open and honest on this here blog of mine. Sharing is indeed caring. I've learned so much from shared experiences but I would not have been able to learn had people not opened up and shared their stories with me. So here we go with my introverted ass sharing with you my dear reader. 

Let’s talk triggers and perhaps their sources, shall we?

I think for me, it has been so important to identify the triggers first and then deep dive into why these triggers exist? Circling back to my goddaughter and our relationship, I often find myself triggered when her extroverted brain is activated and she’s talking to any and everybody in social settings. My biggest fear is something happening to her especially while in my care. I have developed an unwavering protect at all cost mentality which can translate as being overprotective, especially as she gets older. 

Why is this? 

What is the source of this particular trigger? 

Aside from society's blatant disregard for Black women and girls, a lot of the reasons for this trigger stems from childhood. As a child, I hardly ever was away from my parents. I spent most of my time with both my mom and dad having a semi sheltered childhood. However, when I was released from their care for longer periods of time like for summer camp or a couple weeks at my grandmother’s house, things happened to me that I identify as traumatic experiences. Because of this I protected myself through introversion. The exact opposite of my goddaughter. My trauma response when she's freely maneuvering through social settings is to attempt to prevent the things that happened to me from happening to her. I’m talking at all cost. I do not play about it. Sometimes I catch her looking at me with sheer confusion in her eyes when I’m going off on a tangent about "not talking to random people" or "no, you can’t go over so-and-so’s house." It’s tough and I'm sure many of you out there can relate with your own personal story.

A strategy I have begun to use is intentional and transparent communication with Ladybug. I calmly talk to her one on one the way I want her to communicate with me when she is triggered or has a problem she is struggling with. This communication style includes full transparency because even if she may not fully relate to or agree with what I am saying, her basic human instincts, deeper thinking, and inquiry have started to all work together and we can have healthy and honest dialogue. An example of this type of conversation happened during her new found usage/abuse of her technology devices. I hate how technology has imprisoned the imaginations of children. However, we are raising technologically savvy kids in this generation who are innovative and learn new ways to use technology quickly. And y'all that have quarantine babies, those whippersnappers come out the cooter cat sending emails, creating Google Docs, and concatenating Excel spreadsheets, all while watching Cocomelon on repeat. With heavy technology usage comes the danger component when children are utilizing social media, playing online video games and engaging with people in cyberspace that they do not know. Ladybug was legit talking to random people online while playing games like Roblox, or exploring apps like TikTok and Snapchat. We don't live in a world where adults are mentally sane and leave children alone. There are whole organized business models that are thriving solely on trafficking children. Our children are not safe with using the internet and cell phones without consistent adult supervision. Children are little humans who have limited life experience and live in their personal bubble of a world. They can't possibly begin to grasp the severity of their interactions on the interwebs. As the adults in their lives, we must actively teach them how to use the internet and share with them the consequences that could come if the internet is used inappropriately. If it was up to me, I would prefer Ladybug not have any devices or be able to watch television. I saw how well she did in school when the TV was no longer an option for her. We are not raising the same kids our parents and grandparents raised. We may have to pull a few things from a different toolkit to serve this generation. Those hard conversations we think we should wait to have when children become teenagers we might actually have to have early on. I talked to Ladybug about just how dangerous the misuse of her devices was. I shared stories with her about missing children specifically Black and Hispanic girls. We even read a few articles. We talked about the effects that violating a person's trust, especially those who love you, can gravely impact the relationship. I emphasized how important it is for us in our god mommy/goddaughter relationship that we are able to trust each other. This conversation went on for a few days. She still hasn't gotten privilege to use her laptop and its been months. She does have her cellphone so she can get in contact with her family and me whenever needed. Do I think she retained that week long conversation? Probably not. But some of it she will remember and I often remind myself that the work is ongoing. I have to continue to have open communication with her about these things even not just when she's made a mistake. I believe that when she no longer has me in her ear she is able to tap into discernment and utilize her ever growing decision making skills to make good choices. Building independence is so important especially for a child like her. None of this could have happened had I not done the necessary work to help her clear her load while unpacking and releasing mine. I am finding ways to share with her that I too am human and make mistakes, that I don't have it all figured out but I love myself enough to protect myself by making choices that bring good to my life and not harm. I love myself enough to heal myself so that I am able to love her whole.

I share all of this hoping to empower all Black Millennial parents and guardians in this season to intentionally raise a healed generation who is empathetic, and advocates for themselves and each other. It's vital and in fact crucial to sustaining the Black community in a world that benefits from dead Black and brown bodies. This can’t happen if we are not doing our own healing work. Our parents, grandparents, great grandparents did not necessarily have the luxury and or know how to do this work. Blaming them or waiting for the apology you'll never get serves no one. We got next! We've been gifted this responsibility because those who came before us cleared a manmade cataclysmic path that still haunts us but should not define us. It's our responsibility to preserve our vast generational history, utilize generational practices that worked best, analyze and learn from the generational patterns that stifled us, plan ways to improve the generational practices that failed us and put into action impactful change that our children and generations to come will benefit from. 

It’s a lot I know, but "heavy is the head that wears the crown."

Imagine if we carry with us the generational structure of collaborative work through the age old adage "it takes a village." Imagine if our village is comprised of a myriad of great minds who are continuously working on our healing while joining together to raise healed generations to come. 

We’d be unstoppable. 

We actually already are.