Born A Statistic. Murdered A Quota. Remembered A Hashtag. Never Been A Human.

Photo Credit: NYTimes.com

I get emotionally invested in the cases of Black men, women, and children who are unjustly murdered by police. I've seen a lot of posts and articles on the importance of "checking out" during these traumatic reoccurrences and taking care of oneself but I can't seem to "check out." I'm haunted everyday by Eric Garner's plea for a breath of life. 

This week's back to back murders (the ones that made it to social media) of Alton Sterling and Philandro Castile have triggered my unrelenting emotional investment as I continuously search for answers, strategies when approached by police, and even some sort of recompense and there is nothing. There is never anything.

There are no answers. 

There are no strategies for Black or brown people to use when approached by police.

There is never any recompense. 

There is never any justice.

I've watched the videos of Alton and Philandro's murder over and over hoping that I see something, anything that is tangible help for Black and brown people in America.

Yesterday, I did however notice something.

Diamond "Lavish" Reynolds, the girlfriend of Philandro Castile fearlessly streamed live on Facebook right after Philadro was shot. While watching the video see Diamond feverishly trying to explain what happened, what street they were on and asking people to come and give her a ride. Later she mentioned she did all of this with 10% battery power life left. 

In the midst of Diamond speaking you can also hear very clearly the officer who shot Philandro yelling expletives. The officer was not yelling at Diamond and he was not yelling at Philando who was visibly unconscious. It is clear the officer is yelling at himself. The way many of us might find ourselves doing if we make a careless mistake. 

I have watched all the video footage from every case that has surfaced and this particular video felt a bit different to me. 
Usually the officers caught on camera either search the dead body, harass the individuals who are recording them on their camera phones, talk to each other, or go back to their cars leaving the body laying in the street or sidewalk or grassy knoll to call dispatch. 

The officer who murdered Philando didn't do any of that. 

The officer stood there with his gun drawn, unable to move, shaking, yelling expletives at himself. The expletive was shouted repeatedly with such angst that I went to bed yesterday saying this man must've felt some very human feelings. It's a very humane thing to beat yourself up when you make a mistake. It's a very humane thing to be able to recognize "fuuuuuck" I made a mistake. The angst in his voice, the inability to move, shaking from nervousness, yelling at himself is what I believe any human being should feel when harming another human being. 

I went to bed with the hope and prayer that this sense of humanity would engulf his spirit and by the morning he would come forth and admit that he made an unrepairable mistake, accepts full responsibility, and accepts the repercussions.

Of course without question I woke up today to find no such admittance. Here I was an enraged Black woman still praying that a murderer would tap into his humanity. That's the generational gift (and curse) of the Black woman.

Diamond mentioned in another video post being released from jail that the other officers who came to the scene of the crime comforted the officer who murdered Philando, but left her and her daughter in the back of the police vehicle to deal with their anxieties and terror alone. 

NOTE: There are people who walk the earth with what is called a reprobate mind and are unable to tap into their humane feelings. They are very quickly however, able to put blame on someone else for their actions. They would rather ignore situations than mend situations. They plot and scheme. They are cowardly and unable to stand up and admit they are wrong. They refuse to apologize privately or publicly to those they have wronged. They refuse to admit privately and publicly that they have made a mistake. They befriend and surround people who are in touch with their humanity with the hopes of turning them reprobate as well. All the while being able to sleep at night and get up again and do it the next day. Understand that a person's mind has to be reprobate to act violently and otherwise on their racism.

There are some officers on the police force walking around with a reprobate mind and are fueled by the comfort in knowing that the judicial system was created to protect them. These cases happen over and over again with no indictments and no convictions giving these types of officers subhuman invincibility. 

The officers who put the needs of the officer who murdered Philando first without giving CPR to Philando's lifeless body or tending to the mental needs of a traumatized four year old child and her mother proves that our fight as Black and brown people is not a civil rights fight. 

It is a human rights fight. 

There's no way we can fight for our civil rights if we aren't even considered human. It's common rhetoric to say 'we are treated like animals' but PETA would be all over it if an animal was gunned down. Our lives are not valued as much as animal's lives are.

We are born as statistics.

We are murdered as quotas. 

We are remembered as hashtags.


Never a human.