Under The Sunset Series: Ruby

“Hello. Ma’am, can you hear me?“

Ruby drove quickly down Pennsylvania Ave.

It’s textbook stuff they teach women. 

Don’t be with anyone who doesn’t want you. 

This is my fault. Stupid.

She thought.

Her relationship with herself had become tumultuous.  She was gifted with the ability to empathize with and outsource love to others but struggled giving herself the same grace. She found herself in a self binding contract with loving Los. Who often blamed the Zodiac and her for why he did the things he did. They were on again off again, without actually ever quite being on. But Ruby loved her some Los. This was her, “person.” 

Ruby drove quickly down Pennsylvania Ave. 

Going where? She didn't know. The last 15 years of her life was on replay in her mind.  Los had told her he didn’t want to be in a relationship with her and he didn’t want to marry her. But she kept an open mind hoping that one day she would be enough. 

She never was. 

She had been planning to surprise him for his birthday and he slid in a reminder saying, “we ain’t on that level.” 

She didn’t understand. They were always together in every way. 

As she parted her lips to plead with him to love her a lump formed her throat, silencing her. Her heart began palpitating and she started sweating. She wanted to cry but her body wasn’t allowing her any release. No sound, no tears, nothing. She thought she was having a stroke. Her legs began to shake reminding her that her nervous system was indeed still working. She knew immediately she was having a panic attack. She had had one at Los's last birthday gathering when he threw her out of their hotel room. 

"If your legs are shaking you can move Ruby" she thought.

She grabbed her keys off the counter and ran out the door to her car and drove off. 

She turned onto 15th street. She could see the sunset behind the Jefferson Memorial dome. 

"Wait. Stop! I need you!" she screamed at the sun.

As her heartbeat increased so did the car’s speedometer. She needed the warmth of the sun. She craved the love the sunlight gave in return. A serotonin healing. 

Today was hard.

Tomorrow didn't feel promising. 

Her heart was shattered. 

She kept her eyes on the sun. 

She didn’t want to lose sight of the sun. 

For a moment she forgot about the heartbreak. She forgot the burden of her life's journey. She closed her eyes as the sunlight encapsulated her face and held it in the palm of its hands.

She kept driving through the cherry blossoms. Through the guarder rail. Propelling her car airborne. Landing in the Tidal Basin.

“Ma’am can you hear me?”  Two men paddle boating nearby had managed to get her out of her car and safely on land.

She opened her eyes gasping for air. The men helped her sit up.

She could hear the whispers of the onlookers. 

“Ma’am, we’ve called 911. They should be here soon.”

Tears filled her eyes. She began wailing. The sound was so painful that those surrounding her began to cry too.

“Can we call anyone for you?”

Ruby looked up at the sky.

“Where is it? Where is the sun? Please! Take me to the sun!”