Ahhhh church. The metropolis of the sinning saint.
I grew up in a small church. My father was a Deacon and my mother was the Pastor's Secretary and Director of Youth Activities. Every Sunday my little brother and I would get up, put on our Sunday's best, get greased down, and head to Sunday School.
Being born into a church you are considered the "church baby". You even develop the "church baby" syndrome. Church members that love you will give you gifts, money, and a kid's favorite...CANDY. You might go over their houses and call them Aunt or Uncle. Your childish innocence can see no wrong in these people because they haven't done any harm to you. You love them with every fiber of your being and run full force with open arms to them when you see them on Sunday mornings. Since my church was small everyone knew my family and we knew theirs. My parents maintained a united front with keeping my brother and I children. They never spoke any ill will of any church member in front of us or stopped us from loving anyone we chose to love in the congregation.
Seasons change and the "church baby" becomes a woman. You start to see things a lot differently. The same Aunties and Uncles that you admired and loved so much as a child are different. They harbor a jealous spirit, gossip, and even manipulate. You see how they act in church meetings, choir rehearsals, or in mission based settings and are flabbergasted by their behavior. You begin to develop your own opinion of them and hurtfully determine that they aren't who they appeared to be.
This is where I find myself today. Since I grew up in church and spend most of my time there today, many people who are stationary in my life are people I grew up around in church. These same people have supported me financially and prayed for me when I went off to college and for that I am eternally grateful. Though many of you reading this may be opposed to organized religion or going to church in general I can assure you that belonging to a church can benefit and enrich your life and give you life long relationships. However, as a "church baby" who is now a woman I find myself constantly discovering the true colors of many of these adults I loved a child. This is painful. Many of these same people still view me as a "church baby", and you know "church babies" are seen and not heard. But the woman I am has become very outspoken and fearless when it comes to speaking out on things.
This is a moment in my life where I feel stifled. With adulthood comes responsibility and a natural progression into leadership. A "church baby" taking a leadership role isn't always received well especially in my church. You aren't taken seriously, you are placed under a microscope, spoon fed reminders of that which is ritual, and you aren't given a fair opportunity to express yourself freely. This makes me upset and suffocates my desire to actively participate in church activities. I am honestly now coming to church because of the pride that my mother has still having her children by her side. Though I am supporting her there isn't any personal gratification in it for me and that is a very satirical place to be in.
Solution:
My God mother often says to me: "Don't let anyone discourage you." Though I get tired of cliches being used as solutions she is absolutely right. I have to stop letting people have power over my outcome. Words and actions are painful but the positivity in the outcome soothes the pain. Fear not all my fellow "church babies" there is power in the outcome but you cant get to it without a struggle.
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