The V-Card: A Requiem for Myself

I have been pretty quiet up until now about sex. I grew up in a household where it really wasn't discussed. I remember my first conversation with my mother about it. I was laying in the bed with her and she said "If you have sex you can get pregnant" and that was pretty much the extent of it.

Growing up I developed a phobia. I never wanted to talk about sex or even my period for that matter. I was ashamed and embarrassed that blood was coming out of me for no apparent reason. When I came on my period the first thing I said to my mother was "please don't tell my Dad or my brother." I thought they would make fun of me or perhaps even disown me. I had extreme thoughts. Now that I think about it I was a very worried and private child. I was teased (as most children are) but I think the teasing effected me deeply. I wasn't one of those children that could brush it off. I can also remember other things happening to me that to this day I keep private.

As I grew up I wasn't like my peers. I didn't feel confident about my body. I didn't pursue boys or relationships because of the fear of being pressured to have sex.

So today I'm 26 years old and I still hold my virginity, my v-card.

There it is out in the open. Before today I usually kept this information to myself. I would engage in sexual conversations with my peers pretending I knew what they were talking about just so I wouldn't be ridiculed. Quite frankly, I was ashamed. It's not popular to be a virgin in today's society. Especially when you enter into a relationship with a person whose entire basis for a successful relationship is sex.

For awhile now I have been committed to a person whom I genuinely thought I would be spending the rest of my life with. Conversations about sex would arise, many of which I definitely would initiate. I wanted to talk about it and assure my partner that I in fact wasn't an alien and did desire sex. I was just simply scared. I even knew in my heart that I would eventually lose my v-card to them.

One evening my partner expressed their feelings of not being appreciated for waiting for me to have sex. They said I never said "thank you for waiting". They went on to say I had no idea how it made them feel to not be having sex when they are used to having it whenever they want. The conversation climaxed with the following statement: "I could have dumped you and went and fucked another girl, but I didn't because I loved you."

That statement sent an unexplainable numbness through my body. I felt enraged, hurt, and disrespected. My response was, "Well, if you feel that way then you should go and do you."

After the conversation ended I sent a blanket text message to half my contacts in my phone. I didn't add opinion or feeling I just wanted their honest thoughts. It read: If your partner said to you "I could have dumped you and went and fucked another girl, but I didn't because I loved you." how would you feel? 20 out of 20 males and females all said that they would have felt disrespected or hurt. I even went back to my mothers bed and asked her...she said, "What you chose to do with your body is your choice because it's your body. If this person loved you they would have never said that. To be with a virgin is a gift. A woman no one has ever touched is a sacred rare gift and she deserves to be treated as such. God doesn't bless people with virgins everyday. Tell them to go on with those other girls because after they use you all up that's what they are going to do anyway. Then what are you left with? Nothing."

I went back to my mother's bed. No judgement for the woman I am. Supportive of the woman I will become. I breathe through the tears because they don't define me. They are just reactionary thoughts of life's many lessons. I bow my head in humility to have one thing left in a world that takes everything away from you. I have one thing left that I can offer to God as praise for the favor he has had over my life thus far. I turn my back on self doubt. I am who I am because it's what I'm called to be. I'm no longer ashamed or embarrassed. I carry my V-card with me and when the day comes that I share it's mystery it will be magically surrounded and protected with an agape love.

Until then...